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please help me make sense of this

(261 Posts)
buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 01:22:32

Just two months into a relationship, still dating really (though he had been 'fast forwarding' a lot, I got pregnant. I had taken morning after pill, and at 38, and worried I wouldn't have another child, decided it must be ' meant to be,'
This man promised he would be the best father a Nd look after us all (I have DD 16)
From when we found out, his behavior changed. He was delighted, all he ever wanted. He became controlling talking over me and for me in front of doctors, sulking when I didn't want him in the room for vaginal exam.
He wanted constant contact, and went overboard with gift buying and everything focused around the baby. Told everyone he knew (I was 4 weeks) despite knowing to wait and talking about moving into my house, where we would live etc.
The next few weeks until 7 weeks were shaky, there was a risk of ectopic so hAd to keep going for scans until saw heartbeat at 7 weeks. His constant neediness became an on the one hand going overboard buying presents and future planning, on the other hand telling me I wasn't grateful, if I just did xyz we would be ok, there wouldn't be any problems... I started to worry re his behaviour.
The last three weeks have been hell, in addition to day and night nausea and tiredness, this behaviour has escalated, it's been constant stress and each time he initiates some 'issue or problem ' I have apparently done, it's been when I've been at my weakest. It is predominantly related to my not being grateful, saying thank you, having bad manners etc. he accuses me of lying when I haven't... All my body tenses up, as he is incessant and bullying, and when I ask him to stop or leave me alone or wait to talk until we are calm he refuses to stop until he gets the resolution he wants. He can't see that there is a pattern to the behaviour and won't acknowledge his part in it or the stress it is causing. He just says that if I just did what he needed then we wouldn't have a problem. He wants to go to couple counseling but I am scared to go with him.
I have tried to finish the relationship three times and each time he has guilt tripped me into staying. He says he won't be apart from his baby, and threatened me if I took his baby away. Another escalation this weekend and again I laid there crying wondering what have I got myself into, I will never be free of him. I am scared of what he will do. He says I behave like a C*unt to his friends and treat him badly, each time when I stand up for myself. I am a really calm person but end up screaming at him as I feel so violated by the things he says that I know I haven't done.
The midwive said they can put a plan in place so I feel safe if I leave he relationship but carry on with the pregnancy. I have just confided in close family and friends and they Are worried And say I should abort to not have him in my life. I fear he will make my life hell as a mother. I'm 11 weeks and scan next week. I never believed I would consider this, I am so scared of going through with it and scared for the future for my daughter, the baby and I if I don't.

meiisme Wed 16-Mar-16 01:52:19

It's a really hard decision, but please also take into consideration that this is the kind of father your child would grow up with.... I was in a similar situation and did keep the pregnancy, but his behaviour escalated badly and although he is not in our lives anymore, he did a lot of damage before he was gone, also to DC. On the other hand, we're celebrating DCs 6th birthday tomorrow and I would not have given them up for the world.

LimpidPools Wed 16-Mar-16 01:56:02

I didn't want to read and run, though I an not the best person to give you advice.

What I would say is that he sounds truly horrible. Added to that, you don't sound like you want to be with him and you don't have to be.

It does sound though as though the longer you are with him, the more he will browbeat you and wear you out. But you have people around you who are offering you support. Take it. And ignore his guilt trips. He is the one who should feel guilty for being a revolting bully. Though obviously he won't.

Keeping the baby or not is a separate issue. It's no one else's decision. You have to decide whether YOU want this baby. I can only imagine how torn you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you and I wish you happiness, whatever you decide.

LeaLeander Wed 16-Mar-16 02:05:53

You barely knew this abusive oaf before he impregnated you. You owe him NOTHING. Nothing.

He calls you a cunt and you would even contemplate maintaining any sort of relationship with him? Why? Is that what you would want as a father for any child, or as a male role model in your teen daughter's life? You are scared of him after knowing him only a few months? Why give a person like that any further access to your life?

Get away from him. He's not going to take care of you, he's not going to be your saviour and no matter how many "gifts" he buys he is not going to magically transform into a kind, loving father. Not in a million years.

If you must carry on with this pregnancy, tell him you aborted and get him out of your life. You don't want to be tied to him for decades to come. Good God.

Millionsmom Wed 16-Mar-16 02:38:02

Wow, this is the stuff nightmares are made from buzz. I'm so sorry it's not the loving happy time you should be having. sad

The way I see it, your relationship and your pregnancy are two separate issues.
The relationship is horrendous, nothing you do will improve it as he sounds like a complete control freak. Eventually, he'll erode who you are so much, you will be a shell of your former self, neither you or your DD deserve or need that. Ask yourself, do you want your DD to become less than she is? I say that because I asked myself the same question and didn't like the answer. It's not a good thing when you start with 'He just wants/it's not his fault' when talking to a child. This is what will happen if you continue the relationship. He's not going to morph into the man you even thought he was 'if I just..' whatever, no matter how many times he bullies you. Take the help that's being offered and get yourself clear of him.

Your pregnancy is just that yours. Only you know if you can cope with your decisions. But you will find you have plenty of support all around you, both on here and in real life. No one wants you to be unhappy or dread the knock on the door or wonder what might've been flowers.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 16-Mar-16 06:33:37

I wouldn't have a child with this man. He sounds like hell on earth, and totally abusive.

If you do have this baby there is a strong chance he will be awarded contact even though he is abusive as judges tend to overlook it in order to prioritise the child maintaining a relationship with both parents.

Some people just don't deserve to be parents though I know that's a highly debatable remark but I would say he could potentially be I that category.

Claraoswald36 Wed 16-Mar-16 07:10:40

Oh love. Assume he will go to work in a bit. Please talk to family and friends today and make a safety plan and get out. Contact womens aid as a priority - they can help. Can you send your dd to stay with a relative or a friend for a few days? Or her dad?

buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 07:31:08

Thank you for your kind replies. Last night I rung an ex just to speak to a man who I know sees me a good person because it's making me doubt myself so much, how crazy is that.
I'm seeing the midwife Friday morning to see what they can support with, she has informed safeguarding lead. He isn't happy I'm seeing on my own. Next week is 12 scan, obvs he has all the dates booked in. I don't think I can do it.
I'm hoping to ring Marie stopes today for advice
So far keeping it away from DD though she has seen me upset, and I blamed hormones. What a mess, I wanted a baby so much but I don't want this

Choughed Wed 16-Mar-16 07:34:52

I'm so sorry but I wouldn't have a baby with this man. You will be tied to him forever. I would put your well being and that of your daughter first.

None of this is your fault. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

lunar1 Wed 16-Mar-16 08:53:17

I don't think I could have a child with this
Man. His behaviour will get worse. It would be no life for you and the baby.

Belikethat Wed 16-Mar-16 08:57:17

Sorry I wouldn't have a child with this man either. You are only just getting to know him and finding his controlling behaviour scary. I think it would be too much of a risk to go ahead.

gamerchick Wed 16-Mar-16 09:01:13

You don't have to continue with the pregnancy as cold as that sounds. You need to free yourself from this person before he damages the child you have already. It won't get better.

I'm sorry man flowers

FellOutOfBedTwice Wed 16-Mar-16 09:14:48

I wouldn't have his baby. I know someone who had a baby in similar circumstances. The child is two now and the fathers behaviour has only got worse with huge explosive rows and him "moving out" every other week. The woman is a shell of her former self.

Twitterqueen Wed 16-Mar-16 09:20:13

This man is already destroying your happiness, your self-confidence, self-esteem and enjoyment of life. Please please please remove him from your life as soon as you can.

I have no advice ref the baby. Only you can decide whether you want a child or not.

Claraoswald36 Wed 16-Mar-16 10:52:02

Hi op I'm so pleased you have asked the midwife for support. My hospital midwife was very good and wouldn't discharge me until she was satisfied with my safeguarding plan.

I think you need to be supported to end the relationship before you can consider a decision about the pregnancy.

Please contact your local women's aid/similar service urgently as they can help you with legal advice etc as I think k you may need an injunction in the future.

Please keep posting but also be careful. Clear your browser history.

Lastly please gather crucial docs - birth Certs and passports etc and give them to a friend to keep hold of until this blows over. flowers

Pinkheart5915 Wed 16-Mar-16 11:07:19

So sorry to hear you are in this situation.

You didn't know him well enough before you got pregnant so it is understandable you are a bit shocked by his controlling behoviour. You owe this man nothing.
I feel for you having tried to end the realtionship 3 times, and shame on him for guilt tripping you to stay together. What sort of man threatens a pregnant woman.
The mid wife will hopefully be able to give you some good advice and tell you all the things you are able to have in place.

What is your current housing situation? Do you own/rent? If safe guarding thing were in place would you be able to move? How would this effect you daughter?

I hope Marie stopes offered some advice.
I can understand why people wouldn't want a baby with this man, you will be tied to him for life. The child will have to have contact with its father even if via a contact centre. Only you can decide if you are strong enough to deal with him for years to come. You don't have to continue with this pregnancy.

LeaLeander Wed 16-Mar-16 12:02:38

On reflection. In these circumstances I would abort. There is no way I would tie myself for life to such a horrible person. No way. OP it will taint if not destroy any chance you and your existing daughter have for a serene and pleasant life going forward. You have to put her needs ahead of your own. Good luck.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Wed 16-Mar-16 12:07:51

I don't think you can make sense of this, other than to say this excuse for a human being is an abusive arsehole, and will continue to make your life hell. Please end the relationship, get all the help you can, and then consider your options when you have some space from this Thing.

MoreGilmoreGirls Wed 16-Mar-16 12:10:45

So sorry you are in this situation. Please get away from this man asap. Only you can decide about the baby, it's certainly not an easy thing to have to deal with. My heat goes put to you. Get as much help as you can OP and do what's best for you and your daughter. Good luck. flowers

Have you considered that this pregnancy might not be an accident -on his part, anyway?

I'm sorry to suggest it, but I'm still reeling from reading on here about an abusive guy who liked removing his condom without the woman knowing about it until it was too late. Sometimes it was difficult for the women to even spot that he'd done it.

In his case it was all about the power of having exactly the kind of sex he wants. But your mention of how keen he is with the buying of the baby things and all - well, you see where I'm going with this. sad

I'd be amazed if this didn't happen a lot more than people think.

LuckySantangelo1 Wed 16-Mar-16 12:58:23

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If you have a BPAS near to you I can recommend going to have a chat with them, they will give you support and impartial advice. If I were in your shoes I would consider a termination. Only two months into your relationship & he's already controlling and abusing you. This behaviour will likely only get worse. Stay strong.

silkyoreilly Wed 16-Mar-16 20:07:13

That's a very difficult situation. I think in the grand scheme of things, you're still only 38 and may still have time to have another baby. If you have this one, you'll be shackled to this lunatic for the next umpteen years. He sounds unhinged. The baby will have to have contact with him. I think a termination is the best option, although I know that it's very emotive.

WaterAngel Wed 16-Mar-16 20:17:47

OP, what a difficult situation... I'm so sorry
In your shoes, I have to think I'd terminate the pg for all the reasons given above, but mostly for the sake of your daughter.
I don't believe I could face down a lifetime of the stress of dealing with a person like this, and the potential total havoc they could wreak of the lives of 3 people at a minimum.
And I'd tell him I'd lost the pg as well.
I wouldn't risk his rage.

Whirlydervish Wed 16-Mar-16 20:18:44

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. I don't know what I'd do - possibly abort but tell him I'd miscarried. Horrendous but I think he'll destroy your life if you don't. Then do what you need to to get him the hell away.

I'm glad you're being supported, I suspect he will be extremely persistent.

buzzpop Wed 16-Mar-16 21:35:34

Thank you so much for responses, really helped me separate the baby decision and the relationship.
I rang and ended it tonight. Obviously he didn't accept it, and thought it might take a few months and I might change my mind, wanted me to justify why, said I owed him that, guilt tripped me about Christmases without the baby, said the problem was me, and basically couldn't believe it because he has been so nice to me, apart from the most recent incidents but apparently I was to blame for those starting anyway.
When he realized I meant it and there was no chance, he then switched and ranted, said I had better not keep him away from his baby because he would be having 50/50 Access and I had better not take him on. I said is that a threat, and he said no, I'd know about it if he was threatening me.
Also said we still needed to spend time together while I was pregnant as we had the scans and the labour. I said I wouldn't want him at labour and he switched a bit then.
I have to see him At the weekend to give his stuff back. Will take a friend with me. The scan is next Tuesday, no idea what will do about that.
Has since sent a text saying we need to be friends as he wants to be part of the pregnancy so he can be near his child...

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