Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A rant about my stbxh

(17 Posts)
housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 22:04:08

He's a self entitled twat basically. He's left a sea of destruction behind him (2 teenage daughters going through mega issues) to pursue his own selfish gains.
Don't get me wrong, he's absolutely done me a favour and I'm personally well rid of him but the amount of hurt he's caused his daughters is awful and I'm so hurt on their behalf.
He continues to be so crass and disrespectful, posting crap on social media for them (and the world) to see. He's lost all sense of common decency (if he ever had any) and seems hell bent on telling the world how wonderful his new life (with trophy gf, although she also has a highly unjustified inflated ego)
I really wish I believed in karma but I don't really. I just have to rebuild myself and look after my girls. He's also being a dick regarding the financial settlement and probably would see us homeless if he could.
What is it with these self entitled pricks?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 15-Mar-16 22:26:08

I don't know what motivates this kind of man. Doubt they know themselves.

Just wanted to post some kind words of solidarity. You sound like you'll be quite formidable and get you and your DDs through ok, shame you have to go it alone, but you can only play the hand you're dealt with.

Hope you get the right professional advice about a decent settlement or maintenance.

Personally I'd block him from any social media for me or my girls and let him communicate through personal email only.

housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 22:38:32

Thanks for your response Enrique. I tried the minimal contact and just using email, unfortunately the gf used his email (I'd blocked her) to send me abusive stuff.
I think you're absolutely right though, they haven't got a clue what they want. It's just such a shame they drag innocents down with them when they're trying to find out what they want. Btw, I'm not on any social media that he's on but my daughters are and are constantly reading what a brilliant life he's leading now. How insulting that must be for them.
I don't know that I ever knew that person

friendshipfloss Tue 15-Mar-16 22:41:56

No advice, but I am in a similar situation. At least my stbxh has stopped posting on social media for the time being. He too has the trophy girlfriend and would probably see us homeless if he could. Not sure I believe in karma, but the one thing that I have kept hold of is my own personal integrity throughout all of this. Which is one thing that he is clearly lacking himself. I am just holding onto the hope that it will all get easier eventually.

Baconyum Tue 15-Mar-16 22:45:30

Definitely counsel/advise dd's not to have him on social media I've had to do that. I'm 13 years in and karma starting to bite him and he hates it! I hate my ex not for our history, relationships breakdown selfish twats cheat whatever but the way he's treated our daughter is fucking disgusting!

I get flamed for saying this but I genuinely believe it. I used to do the not talking negatively of her dad, telling dd he loves her just crap at acting like it etc but it's bullshit and I refuse to lie for him or to her any more!

housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 22:49:36

I'm sorry you're going through the same sort of situation friendship. I agree about the integrity though when all you want to do is shout it from the rooftops what a bastard they've been (and continue to be)
We will get through this and be stronger, just hope my girls aren't permanently damaged by it. I've been separated over a year now and still in the midst of a messy divorce.
On the plus side, I've learnt I'm ok on my own (have started dating again though) and really found out I'm an ok person (stbxh made out I was a crazy, lazy, ugly person, none of which are true)

housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 22:55:21

Yeah bacon, people advised I didn't say anything negative about stbxh which I didn't. That really backfired on me as my youngest daughter asked a couple of weeks ago why I didn't tell her the truth of what was going on at the time.
The spineless dick didn't tell her the situation until he was showing them round his new house and she saw they were sharing a bed. (my other daughter had guessed what was going on as she'd virtually caught them at it on my sofa a couple of months before we split)
I think you have to gauge the amount of info you give your children but eventually they'll work it out for themselves.
I was with him 24 years btw. He hasn't looked back

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 15-Mar-16 23:11:30

How old are your DDs by the way, just to get an idea of what you can or can't say to guide them?

Really sorry for such a shitty situation flowers

housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 23:13:15

They're 14 and 15. Stbxh said to a mutual friend, at least I waited til they were old enough to deal with me leaving. Just demonstrates how clueless he is.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Tue 15-Mar-16 23:35:48

sad he really has no idea at all.

At least they can block him from their own on line accounts if they want to and they're old enough for you to talk about letting them make up their own minds about him.

housewifedesperate Tue 15-Mar-16 23:41:25

My youngest laughs at him with my sister when he posts pics of himself but I tell her I don't want to see.
My oldest was told by him to unblock his gf as she was very hurt she had done so.
Social media is the devil's work I think. I'm so glad I've never been into it. I know it can be used well but not in the cases where people have things to prove. That's just sad but can be hurtful.
I know I can talk truthfully but it's still difficult. I'm so conflicted with my own emotions about him and actually wanting them to maintain some kind of relationship with him.

Baconyum Wed 16-Mar-16 02:04:28

"My oldest was told by him to unblock his gf as she was very hurt she had done so." That is/was out of order! He has no right or do that! The gf is an adult she can suck it up!

Yy to kids later then saying 'why didn't you tell me the truth' which is why I now advise based on my own experience not to protect these arses (who can be male or female). My dd hit the sex Ed part of life and worked out her eldest half-brothers sibling was conceived while I was still with her father and therefore he was cheating. I'd not told her and this resulted in her being cross with me (fair enough as I say with the benefit of hindsight she's right). Plus her father stupidly admitted to several other things thinking she already knew (not paying maintenance properly, not making effort to see her when we first split she was only 2 so doesn't remember).

Oh and the attitude of their being 'old enough to cope'? yes but they're still children and it still hurts and would hurt an adult too!

housewifedesperate Wed 16-Mar-16 07:04:19

Yes bacon, I think I made some mistakes in my handling of the situation after he left. I was thinking I was protecting them while trying to preserve some kind of relationship between them and their father.
Unfortunately the father favours the gf who appears to be a needy princess who demands all of his time and attention. He has effectively picked her over them although to the outside world he's doing all the right things, having them over to stay once a week, taking them to restaurants etc.
Trouble is, she's there all the time so they don't get any time with him on their own and she gets priority over them like him buying her flowers with them there.
He's created a false situation and expected everyone to go along with it and I feel so sorry for my girls because they have to just go with it. At least I don't have to have anything to do with them except deal with the fallout.

Baconyum Wed 16-Mar-16 21:43:04

God I feel for you, I was somewhat lucky as ex's 2nd wife is at least childcentric to a point. I made the same mistake, thinking (and being told) not to be negative about her dad, protect their relationship etc but ultimately that's impossible if he's not playing the same game.

housewifedesperate Wed 16-Mar-16 23:08:00

I think he's trying in his own cackhanded way but he's so besotted with his gf he doesn't see what he's losing. It's so sad for all concerned but ultimately he is and always was I think, too selfish. Honestly, he justified his behaviour on Facebook (daughter told me) with the tagline yolo, like he's some teenager not a dad with responsibilities.
Yes, the gf isn't particularly interested in the girls but he should get his priorities straight otherwise he's going to lose his daughters. Selfish men!

Mrscaindingle Thu 17-Mar-16 01:30:18

If the gf is a needy princess then he'll get what's coming to him eventually grin
Added to which he won't have the relationship with his daughters that he should have had.

I have been something similar and it is painful for the DC when they realise that their father is selfish and basically a dickhead. I have had times when I felt guilty for picking my ex as the father of my children and watching them having to go through that.

Nearly 3 years on I met with my ex recently to discuss finances/kids and he looks tired, defeated and unhappy. DS1 hasn't spoken to or seen his dad in that time and DS2 doesn't really like dads gf and their weekends are strained I think.

They don't think through the consequences, your ex will be trying to convince himself as much as anyone that he's done the right thing. Give it time ...

housewifedesperate Thu 17-Mar-16 06:59:01

I think you're absolutely right Mrsdingle. My ex looks haggard and unhappy really. He may or may not be aware that he's in danger of losing his children emotionally and physically but I think he's desperately trying to convince himself this gf is worth it. I don't think she is and will cause him untold grief. Does that make me happy? No, none of this situation does.
Ultimately the children involve suffer and the person left behind has to pick up the pieces. I am determined I can make a better life for us all though. Think my karma is going to be making me and my girls happy

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now