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Is it worth even bringing up?

(65 Posts)
artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 19:54:56

I'll try to keep it brief!

When I was single I joined a kink social networking website. I moved to a new city and found that they hosted a 'vanilla' evening at a local pub where people could come and have drinks and chat to like-minded people. I attended every month and made lots of new friends. As I was single I will admit that I was very flirty with members of the group and hooked up with some a few times, but mostly I enjoyed the social aspect and the confidence boost of going out in a city I was unfamiliar with and having a good time and making friends.

Fast-forward to now. Me and DP had a DD and we have moved to his home town. I don't know anyone and find the baby groups DD and I go to fun but I don't seem to make friends or feel like I have really socialised outside being a parent. Recently I revisited the social networking site and updated all of my details. In my profile I clearly state that I'm not in the market for play partners but would be interested in attending events and making new friends.

DP knows about the site and knows that occasionally I receive friend requests and messages from people - like anything in this vein some are inappropriate despite my profile being clear that I am in a relationship. But I'm open about these messages and we sometimes read them together.

So, I've had a look into local events and it seems that they hold a similar meet to the one I've attended previously not far from where we live. It's held once a month, on a Sunday night. DP gets one weekend a month off and it would be a miracle if his weekend off landed at the same time of one of these social events.

What I'd like to do is go along and see if the group is as welcoming as what I've experienced previously and hopefully make some new friends. As I've said, I've made it very clear I'm not looking to play with anyone else other than my DP so it would be purely for socialising.

My question (finally!) is should I talk to him about going one night on my own (providing I can get someone to babysit DD)? My fear is that he will instantly reject the idea due to the context (i.e. everyone there has a common interest in kink). My Ex was very sensitive about it, which is kind of putting me off. I also know if the boot was on the other foot and he was asking I would be wary, too. But I have no intention of engaging with anyone in a play context. I'd love DP to come along, but the chances of him being off work are slim. Should I talk to him about it or do you think that, given the context, he would just outright say no and (probably) descend into an argument?

YeahNotTooBad Tue 15-Mar-16 19:58:29

Why would you need to get a babysitter if you're going out for the evening? Won't he look after DD?

EssentialHummus Tue 15-Mar-16 20:00:19

Wow. I think this would be an out-and-and "no" from me if my partner asked. There must be other things on locally where you could meet new people.

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:01:49

YeahNotTooBad - If his shift finished at a decent time he would either babysit or come along if we had someone look after DD. But odds are he wouldn't finish work till late on (about 10pm), so would need someone to look after DD until he finished work or I came home.

CiaoVerona Tue 15-Mar-16 20:04:22

I think her concern is not her dh babysitting its how he may react to her wanting to attend the event due to her ex's reaction.

I dunno, you seem upfront about your posting and messages he's aware you chat too these guys surely the next step would be you might meet up.

Id mention it and see what his reaction is I don't know its going to be like your ex's.

Believeitornot Tue 15-Mar-16 20:05:05

How can you attend this social event if it is ultimately about "link"? What about other ways of finding friends?

Believeitornot Tue 15-Mar-16 20:05:17

*kink not link

SongBird16 Tue 15-Mar-16 20:05:26

Surely you can find another common interest group, one where the common interest isn't sex, and one that isn't populated by people primarily in the market for sex?

I wouldn't be happy if a partner of mine wanted to do this, no. I daresay someone will be along to say that he should trust you and so on, but it's just so bizarre. Don't you have any other interests?

Helmetbymidnight Tue 15-Mar-16 20:06:39

I wouldn't be thrilled, sorry...

Gobbolino6 Tue 15-Mar-16 20:06:51

Hmm. I wouldn't be happy if my partner did this.

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:07:25

EssentialHummus, I totally get it. And I think if it were the other way around I might have reservations about it too. But from my perspective my motive isn't to flirt or hook up or anything like that. It's purely a way of meeting new people out of 'mummy mode' and, in a lot of ways, reclaiming the identity I had pre-DD, although in a slightly altered way.

I have looked into joining clubs, but I'm really struggling with locality. Most things are too far away to even justify the taxi fair or aren't served by the buses. This is in walking distance from where we live and is something I am familiar with. That being said, I very much see your point, which is why I'm hesitant.

TresDesolee Tue 15-Mar-16 20:07:58

Don't go without telling him - if he subsequently finds out he'll be suspicious, and not unreasonably so. (Not saying you're going to do anything wrong, but hiding the fact you're going would make most people suspicious about what you were up to.)

If you think he wouldn't trust you to keep your pants on, that's a different issue.

macshoto Tue 15-Mar-16 20:12:20

I wouldn't have a problem with this, but I suspect I may be unusual in that respect. How strong is the trust in your relationship and how comfortable is your DP when you sit and read the messages together? That should give you an idea of how he might respond to this.

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:13:58

TresDesolee, I wouldn't dream of going without telling him as I know that that could look far worse than bringing it up.

I hope he trusts me. I trust him to go anywhere and do anything (which he does) and I would hope he could see it in a favourable light. The meets are very much 'vanilla' - they are no different than a book club meeting up for drinks or something like that. Trust me, no one is getting chained up or whipped in a corner. It's just a gathering of people who can talk about kink if they'd like to but more often than not just socialise like the normal people they are.

Helmetbymidnight Tue 15-Mar-16 20:15:11

Please don't turn this into - he either trusts me or not- that's not really fair.

TresDesolee Tue 15-Mar-16 20:16:45

Sorry - misread your op, thought the question was 'shall I tell him I'm going', not 'shall I talk to him about whether to go'

I'll get my coat

Don't see what you've got to lose by asking. He seems to trust you given that he reads the messages with you.

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:17:39

macshoto, he laughs off a lot of the messages. As you'd imagine some are quite forthright and...graphic, I suppose would be the word, but I'd hope the fact that I'd let him see messages at any time, unedited, would work in my favour in this instance.

He's been burnt before in previous relationships, but he seems to trust me. Before we had DD I would go away for the weekend with friends I met at university and he knew we'd get horribly drunk and go clubbing and he never had any qualms about it. I know if I did the same now he would trust me. It's just the introduction of it being an event organised through a kink website, I worry that that is a step too far.

MorrisZapp Tue 15-Mar-16 20:17:43

It's just like a book group 😂😂😂

iyamehooru Tue 15-Mar-16 20:20:01

I think it's something you should do together, otherwise you are asking for trouble. There's always people who will think you're there for other things despite not being single.

OhShutUpThomas Tue 15-Mar-16 20:20:51

Erm.....I would be spectacularly unimpressed by this.

There are other ways to make friends besides going to a group populated by people looking for sexual partners interested in their kinks.

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:24:39

OhShutUpThomas, I think that's a perfectly reasonable response. I think my reasoning to him would be, if that initial visit turned up a bunch of people who were only interested in hooking up, then I wouldn't go back. That's not what I'm looking for at all.

But from my experience it also gives you the opportunity to meet really interesting people, in a laid back setting, that isn't intimidating. That being said, totally understand that the undertone of sex and kink is going to be there in some capacity.

Dosydoly Tue 15-Mar-16 20:26:31

Artlessflirt, you're unlikely to get an unbiased selection of views on this because most people won't have ever experienced this type of gathering and will assume there's something underhand going on.

Dosydoly Tue 15-Mar-16 20:28:12

Sorry posted too soon! You might get more measured responses by posting on the message boards of the site that organises the munch smile

TresDesolee Tue 15-Mar-16 20:30:48

Well if they call them 'munches' they really can't complain about people getting the wrong end of the stick grin

artlessflirt Tue 15-Mar-16 20:31:28

Dosydoly, that was kind of why I posted. I know DP has never been to one of these gatherings and so I was interested to see what people might say about it in the hope of maybe anticipating his reaction. I will, I think, post the same on the site and see the responses I get there, too.

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