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Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

(1002 Posts)
All0vertheplace Tue 15-Mar-16 13:02:55

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Mar-16 13:43:51

Will watch with interest, something I'm struggling with, too flowers

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Tue 15-Mar-16 13:51:06

Yep my marriage to dds dad. He was unambitious. He was happy with a low standard of living and I wasn't. He wanted to me to ditch my job, work part time and claim tax credits as " that's real life it's not days out and working hard that's for snobs " we were totally incompatible. I wanted life beyond my own living room he didn't. We talked it out and decided that it couldn't work. We split mutually and amicably. Talk it over. If it's not satisfying for you it won't be for your oh.

TempusEedjit Tue 15-Mar-16 13:54:39

I didn't realise my exH was abusive until after I'd left him, I just got to the staye where I was so fed up in my marriage that I was finally prepared to swap one unhappiness (being with him) for another (leaving behind my beautiful house and dogs) knowing that at least the latter situation could potentially lead to a better future.

It did, I met my now DH within a year of leaving and life is much better.

Mousefinkle Tue 15-Mar-16 14:01:02

Yes, I did this last year.

My ExH wasn't motivated, lacked ambition and was just a massive whinger. He was the sort of person that would rather sit around whinging and whining than get off his arse and do something about it, he'd also ignore any advice he was given (and I tried to give a lot). I grew extremely resentful of this. He's also quite a weak man, super needy and sensitive. Really, I walked all over him and that got boring. I need to be kept on my toes so to speak.

I was just sick and tired of him so left him. We have three DC, it hasn't been easy. Made harder by the fact he moved in with another woman a month after separating hmm so the DC have been through a lot but it's overall been soooo worth it. He has them one night a week ( which isn't enough if you ask me but whatever...) and that's a night I didn't have before to go and do whatever I want. I enjoyed dating for a while, definitely enjoyed going partying for the first time since I met DH, cinema, seen my friends a lot more, been to GIGS! shock. I feel a billion times more confident for it and even though raising three young DC is stressful, the household is so much more positive without his draining incessant whinging.

LazyCake Tue 15-Mar-16 14:19:49

Don't have much to contribute, but am watching with interest. Have a very nice marriage and a lovely little family, but struggle with intense longings for something else.

TwilightRabbit Tue 15-Mar-16 14:25:30


my experience wasn't unlike TempusEedjit - I didn't realise quite how awful exDH was until I tried to leave. I had thought that I was just unhappy and disillusioned. I later realised he was a MASSIVE gaslighter (and cock).

He made it very very hard, and still does (6-7 years later!) The divorce took years to come through, and he remarried within 6 months.

Emotionally, it was very freeing initially (I used to dance round the kitchen singing a lot blush and I still have absolutely no regrets.

BUT the slog of being a single parent is HARD - whilst, yes every decision is yours and yours alone, it is yours and yours ALONE. That is isolating sometimes. It's hard to form new friendships as people seem to come in couples, and it's more difficult to leave the house in the evenings anyway (kids/babysitters/expense etc)

It's also massively impacted on my relationship afterwards - that broke down last week after 5-6 years together. In part, because he didn't have kids and the disconnect between us was difficult - I couldn't just get up and go somewhere for the day/weekend. I also have a Mesher order - I have to pay the ex more money if I cohabit - to do so would have meant probably moving the kids which I couldn't do to them again. That, in the end, is something that broke us up. We both used it as an excuse not to commit more to each other, rather than having conversations about how we could manage to raise the money together.

Sorry this isn't more hearts and flowers confused.

It was still oh so worth it, but please know that it certainly isn't the easy option.

flowers x

All0vertheplace Tue 15-Mar-16 15:10:21

All interesting -- thanks for sharing

Oasis888 Tue 15-Mar-16 19:08:48

Yes, I did and I have no regrets. Still see ex-h amongst friends and never feel like going back.
My ds is a teenager so I do have time to socialise / date / get out the house so it does get easier as a single parent.

Terrifiedandregretful Tue 15-Mar-16 19:54:21

I am in the middle of doing this and have no idea if I am doing the right thing. We have such a lovely life together and are best friends but no sex or romantic love; I am scared I am throwing it all away for a dream.

ditherydora Tue 15-Mar-16 20:00:04

I wasn't married but I did leave my ex after 10 years. We had had issues (we had both cheated) but that wasn't really the cause of the split. Basically I wanted a family and some kind of home life and really more of his time. He wanted to carry on like he was 22 forever. Our different political views became more problematic. He was and still is a lovely guy but when I left I felt free. It was hard because I missed him a lot but in the end we both settled with other people we are a lot more compatible with. I still miss his friendship but overall it was definitely the right thing.

Tanito279 Tue 15-Mar-16 20:08:30

I left my DH last Xmas after finding texts to other women but that was just the catalyst. I'd been thinking about it for a year or so. He always said the right things but never followed through, eg promised to learn to drive 8 years ago but never even got a provisional licence.
I'm much happier single and don't feel any regrets, except when DD (2.5) asks for him. My worry is that I'll never meet anyone else or have any other children.

Slowdecrease Tue 15-Mar-16 20:11:05

Yes. Exh was too wealthy - I hated the lifestyle and I stopped being sexually attracted to him.

TresDesolee Tue 15-Mar-16 20:37:19

Yes. No affairs, no abuse, I just didn't love him and didn't want that to be the rest of my life.

I remember realising that if I found out he was having an affair I'd be pleased because I'd have a rock solid reason to end it. Think that realisation was the end of the line for me.

My life since has improved roughly 5000 fold. But I've got a lot of support from family and friends and I like my own company. And exP is a decent guy and a good dad, so there hasn't been any nastiness.

One thing I would say is, don't make a decision based on a secret hope that Prince Charming will pitch up and save you. He probably won't, at least not straight away. I was single aside from short relationships for a good five years or so. You need to be happy to build a life on your own.

All0vertheplace Wed 16-Mar-16 10:03:53

These are all very eye-opening. My own situation is similar to many of you, although it's not even that my OH is useless or unmotivated -- we're just quite separate, interested in different things, living on different schedules, not especially affectionate. It's the 'flatmates, not partners' thing.

Confusedandupsetmummy Wed 16-Mar-16 15:43:41

I left my ex husband about this time last year as I wanted more children and he did not.

TooSassy Wed 16-Mar-16 17:01:37

I didn't end my marriage when it was unsatisfying. I think notasinglefuckwasgiven has hit on the point I wanted to make. Reality is that if you're not happy, likelihood is that the other half isn't. My advice?
- get to counselling and see if it can be fixed?
- or have a real think about what is going to happen.
If the marriage remains unsatisfying, at some point one/ maybe both of you will most likely do something that will be a catalyst to end it and not in a nice way.

I think the other good point has been made by tresdesole, if you do end it, end it knowing you could be single for a fair while to come. You have to be ok with that.

All0vertheplace Thu 17-Mar-16 09:28:30

That is definitely worth remembering, yes. What eventually happened with you two, TooSassy?

Skiptonlass Thu 17-Mar-16 09:38:14

Not marriage, but an almost ten year relationship and an imminent wedding.
Without giving too much detail, he became obsessed with an ultra endurance sport and spent every spare hour/holiday doing it. We'd drifted apart. He was an nice guy but I found myself increasingly unhappy.
It was very hard to end it. He was apparently devastated - id never seen him cry before.
He started dating someone from his running club a week after I'd ended it, while I was still living with him. That killed off any remorse I had.

I was single for a year or two, met dh in my mid 30s and now married with a baby.

Life's too short to be unhappy, op.

Gabby99 Thu 17-Mar-16 09:52:14

I'm watching this thread with great interest too. We are plodding along in a loveless and practically sexless marriage and I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I feel like Shirley Valentine. I would love to run away from my life and never come back. I have thought about couple counselling, but truth be told, I don't want to repair the marriage .... I don't want to 'fall in love with DH all over again'. Yet, could I live with myself if I didn't try ? I have thought about how I would tell DH. What do you say after a lifetime together ? I met DH when I was 17 and we have been married for 26 years. I don't know if he would just accept it, as perhaps he is unhappy too, or if it would come as a total shock to him. It's a very hard place to be in, as someone said up thread, if there were affairs, abuse or unreasonable behaviour, there would be definite and valid reasons to leave.

needresolution Thu 17-Mar-16 09:52:19

I felt unfulfilled - we had been together for 15 yrs, married for 5 yrs. 2 kids (1 his). I was the driving factor in the relationship, I arranged everything, entertained family etc etc he basically went to work then worked at home in free time too so I became detached and thought I can do this on my own what is he bringing to the marriage?! I ended it over a yr ago after another embarrassing drunken night out with friends. He basically acted like someone in his mid 20s and I had had enough.

I'm trying to move on with my life, I think I'm happier; Ive a good job, I rented a house, kids settled and I started seeing someone else, but exh wont let it lie, still pines for me, telling our daughter allsorts making her confused..

Its sad and it makes me confused and emotional all the time!

All0vertheplace Thu 17-Mar-16 10:11:40

Ugh, that sounds really hard. Funny how he was so happy to take a back seat until now. How do you think it might improve?

MeMySonAndl Thu 17-Mar-16 10:18:28

I did, and as other pp, I didn't realise how bad my marriage was until it was over. We didn't shout, we didn't disrespect each other, but we didn't care about each other either, I was relieved when he was away, but most importantly, I was living my life one day at a time, I felt I was dying inside.

The most difficult thing is that, even if you actively want to leave, you cannot gather any support to do it, because everybody thinks you are not doing that bad, that he is lovely, and he loves his offspring dearly, but people outside the marriage don't realise that you don't talk to each other anymore, that he puts himself before the child all the fecking time, and that it is years since you are staying late for long hours in mumsnet to ensure he is asleep when you go to bed. I confess that even wearing the wedding ring bothered me, so I put it away and just used another ring. He didn't even notice.

I think that my wake up call came one day, when I was complaining about ex (yet again) to my best friend. So she said, "good grief, where is your ring?" And then, "Memy, if someone comes and tells you that he is having an affair, how would you feel??? " the first thought that came to my mind was "Great, at least he will leave me alone for a while!" . I knew there and then that my marriage was over.

I think that a huge amount of women stay in unhappy marriages because they are afraid of raising their children in poverty. So the first step is to deal with that fear by becoming more financially independant.

Things won't be easy but it is worth it. you will be happier and will manage well. The only thing that I can't tell you is that it is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

MozzchopsThirty Thu 17-Mar-16 10:22:41

Yes although like others only after I left did I realise what a tosser he is!

I had moments of regret initially and felt very guilty

3 years on he's dating a woman who was a mutual friend (lovely person, feel very sorry for her)
I've made a fantastic group of friends I didn't have when I was married.
I'm in a happy communicative relationship with a man I adore (it's not perfect though)
Our dcs have adapted incredibly well and are very happy

I am so happy with life now, I wonder why I stayed so long

MeMySonAndl Thu 17-Mar-16 10:22:41

Sorry, That meant to say that can tell you. Is certainly easier to get on your own feet and live without him, than deciding to leave him.

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