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Does you DP/DH tell you what he does when he goes out for the night?

(40 Posts)
Thatsnotmycupoftea Tue 15-Mar-16 12:20:59

Into town etc?

Posting for opinions as ex DH started an affair with someone he met on a night out so I realise I could be paranoid.

DP goes out once a month into town with his mates. Usually leaves at 7pm and gets home for 3am/4am. I'll say now that he has never given me reason to not trust him. He's very open with his phone, never been caught doing any dodgy online searching etc etc (all the usual stuff that you don't want to find!)

But....if I ask him the next day how his night out was, where did they end up etc he is pretty much silent and changes the subject asap. For example if I ask him how his night was he'll just say 'yeah ok' and then change the subject. If I ask where they ended up he's really vague and will just mention one bar and then change the subject. I also go out once a month and will say to DP oh I saw x and y last night or tell a story about something that happened whilst we were out. Just general yeah and then we went for a dance at x and so and so was there. Ended up in y club for a bit before we came home. To me this is normal conversation just filling each other in on our night out. But talking to DP about it is like getting blood out of a stone.

Kind of lost my temper last night and said 'i don't know why you are being so weird about it, you were out from 7-4 you must have been doing something! He said 'yeah we were in town you know we were' I said yes I know that but did you see anyone? where did you go? He just said god I told you we were at x bar and then got a cab home. X bar closes at 12 so he clearly wasn't there all night.

Just wondering if i'm being paranoid or lots of people don't really discuss what they were doing?

Thanks for reading

MephistophelesApprentice Tue 15-Mar-16 12:24:28

If my night is a good one, the detailed report of the evening is pretty much bar X, bar Y, journey method, apology for tripping over cat.

dippydeedoo Tue 15-Mar-16 12:26:01

My ex would be v secretive when he went out but yet would actively stop me going out .......dp is completely the opposite we don't live together (earlyish into the relationship and I have ds3 at home) although I often stay at his ....when he goes out I get full details etc,maybe this is to reassure me?

MrsRonBurgundy Tue 15-Mar-16 12:26:59

My DH tells me but only as part of telling me about his night in general and what they did. But he doesn't know the city we live in very well so i usually end up giving him recommendations and he's talking about them.

If he doesn't do anything else that strikes you as suspicious, do you think he could feel like he's being interrogated in the way he's asked about it maybe? I would find it odd if DH was being secretive about a night out, especially after the event. What's the harm in telling you?

TheNaze73 Tue 15-Mar-16 12:27:32

Our conversations are pretty much as above....
Did you have a good night, yadda, yadda, yadda.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 15-Mar-16 12:28:15

I'd mention where I was and with who, as would dh. But not in any detail.

If dh started asking for more information, "where exactly at what time?", "who else did you speak to?", basically any greater detail, I would shut up and not tell him anything at all in the future.

It sounds normal to me. It also sounds like you might be interrogating him slightly. It's understandable with your history, but you need to deal with it and explain it all to him.

If my dh questioned me I would think he didn't trust me and would be upset by it.

Thatsnotmycupoftea Tue 15-Mar-16 12:33:26

Ok thanks!

I don't feel like I'm interrogating him but maybe that's how it comes across. I just ask a general good night? And get yeah ok and a subject change. I think that because I would say 'oh yeah it good ended up in X bar such and such band was playing' etc that it seems he's being secretive.

IlikePercyPig Tue 15-Mar-16 12:34:03

Sorry but I'd only say the basics, any more and I'd feel like I was being questioned.

Thatsnotmycupoftea Tue 15-Mar-16 12:35:06

I wouldn't ask where were you at this time, who did you speak to, where did you go then!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Tue 15-Mar-16 12:43:59

i think you're looking for reassurance, whilst he's feeling like you don't trust him smile both are understandable reactions. Communication will help.

BrownAjah Tue 15-Mar-16 12:44:45

A typical chat would be:

Me: How was your night?
DH: Yeah, good. Went to (pub) with XYZ
Me: Was it good?/How are XYZ getting on?/Anything interesting happen?
DH: Either tells me news or No, not particularly

I wouldn't ask further than that so it's usually a pretty swift conversation. I think beyond that it becomes an interrogation and he may be less forthcoming if he feels you are actually trying to catch him out

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Tue 15-Mar-16 12:59:32

I think it sounds secretive. Especially if he's not home till 3 but the bar he said he was in shuts at 12.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 15-Mar-16 13:29:29


If he had an affair I'de expect him to be sensitive to your needs right now, he should be seeking to allay your fears, he's not. He either doesn't give a shit or he's up to something and still doesn't give a shit.

Binders1 Tue 15-Mar-16 13:45:30

Guilty It was the op's exdh not her dp who had an affair.

TempusEedjit Tue 15-Mar-16 13:45:41

Is your DP similarly reluctant to talk about other stuff e.g. does he change the subject if you ask him how his day at work has been, or is he just reluctant to talk about his nights out? Is he chit-chatty in general?

PerspicaciaTick Tue 15-Mar-16 13:49:47

It depends doesn't it. If the town has venues where he might quite reasonably be staying out til the wee small hours - fair enough. If everywhere shuts by midnight, then I would wonder what he was doing.

HormonalHeap Tue 15-Mar-16 13:59:53

Guiltypleasures my ex was having a long term affair but certainly wasn't being sensitive to my needs to allay my fears! If my now dh was reluctant to talk about anything, be it a night out or something else, I'd sense it and be on the trail like a bloodhound. My advice is to go with your gut.

MrNoseybonk Tue 15-Mar-16 14:14:33

If I'd had en eventful night out, been somewhere different or met someone I hadn't seen for a while, I'd be keen to talk about it.
Usually, it's a relatively boring catch up with the same people in the same places, so I'd also be kind of vague.

Chocolatteaddict1 Tue 15-Mar-16 14:18:27

Maybe they finish up is a strip bar that's why he only mentions one bar then changes the subject.

Myself and Dh rarely go out so tend to talk about where we went, what we ate ect..

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 15-Mar-16 15:27:12

Sorry I read the ops post as her dp had previously had an affair confused

amarmai Tue 15-Mar-16 23:23:33

op do want answers from women regarding their h/ps? Because you are getting several answers from men sound like your h.

LosingTheWillToSkate Tue 15-Mar-16 23:46:09

I understand why you do it but it'd get on my tits being questioned. Similarly it annoys me when people give me a full itinerary of their night out.

DH would ask if I had a good night and I'd say yeah was good or similar. Only if I went somewhere new that I thought he'd like would I mention which bar I was in. Same for him.

tabulahrasa Wed 16-Mar-16 00:01:59

I don't tell him much and he doesn't tell me that much either tbh...we'd already know who the other one was meeting and where they were planning to head to.

So unless there was actual news, it's a case of good night? Aye. What time did you get in? Whatever o'clock. How hungover are you? Very, lol.

Heathcliff27 Wed 16-Mar-16 00:05:41

I normally get the full evenings itinerary the moment he comes in and then get the whole story again the next day when he can't remember that he's already told me.

Ex H on the other hand didn't tell me anything at all and i'd normally find out over the next few days when friends would tell me they had spotted him in various nightclubs.

IrishDad79 Wed 16-Mar-16 03:32:34

"Can you account for your whereabouts between the hours of 7pm and 4am last night, and do you have any witnesses that can corroborate your version of events?"

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