Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help to move on...

(7 Posts)
Cassawooff Tue 15-Mar-16 12:06:48

My H left me over a year and a half ago. he had an affair, and left, but swore no-one else was involved. It is definitely over and he is still with OW. We met young and had been together 20 years.

But I just cannot move on. I cry every day. I hate every other week-end without the children. I still think about him/that he's left constantly. It is always on my mind. I miss him. I miss being a family. I feel absolutely broken. I can see no good in the future.

I am angry that he could do this to me and his children. They are actually doing OK-ish - their main problem being a sad and struggling mother. I still care for him and would have done anything to save my marriage and am haunted by 'if onlys'.

I have to see him quite regularly because of the children and each time is so painful. He tells me of holiday plans with the children and I am so sad I can no longer be involved in those. I still have the physical pain of a broken-heart. He is fine and has moved on without a backward glance.

I have read all the advice on here - look forward, make time for you, new hobbies etc. I just cannot get over the loss of my family life, having to juggle events so they fit in with 'my' week-ends. I cannot ever imagine being OK with not being able to see my children every other week-end (and the children are young - I have years of this ahead).

I am realistic about our problems, I can see we had grown apart, both had demanding lives, etc. but there was nothing that couldn't have been fixed. I didn't see it coming. He met the OW and that could have triggered him to discuss us trying to see what had gone wrong. Instead he chose to invest his time in her.

I am going to counselling which helps a bit. Anti-depressants just turned me into a zombie. But my deep sadness just remains and gets no better even after all this time. I just get through life now. I'm emotionally exhausted by all this and beginning to despair about what to do with myself.

pippistrelle Tue 15-Mar-16 17:47:11

How horribly shocking for you it must all have been. And your ex sounds like a selfish twally, by not giving your relationship a chance to be healed. Essentially, I think, it sounds like you've been bereaved so what you're doing now is mourning. And that - as you're finding - can be a long process. That's entirely natural when you've been together such a long time, especially as it sounds like it was all rather sprung on you.

That said, only you can know whether your outlook is improving at all. If you think it isn't, then I think it would be worth seeing your GP again. I know you got some unpleasant side effects when you tried anti-depressants, but that might have been just one type, and it could be worth trying another.

Good luck OP.

whimsical1975 Tue 15-Mar-16 19:33:24

I'm truly sorry for what you are going through... first and foremost I believe you need to try different anti-depressants! If you're on the right ones then they don't make you feel like a zombie at all!! You aren't going to manage to move forward when you're obviously very depressed so this needs to be addressed before doing anything else.

Once your head is in a better space you will start to see things more clearly and the heartache will be easier to manage.

You won't always feel this way, I promise! You're going through a very difficult and traumatic period right now, but that's all it is... a period... it's not forever. You can get through this!! But you're going to need a little bit of help to start with, so please please go back to your Dr and try a different AD. There are so many available, just keep trying until you and your Dr find one that works for you.

You will be happy again. You will go on family holidays, you will look forward to your weekends, you won't feel so desperately sad... you will be ok, honestly.

starsong32 Tue 15-Mar-16 20:18:05

Hi. I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I spilt 6 weeks after getting married last May. We were together 11 years - the marriage was an attempt by me to feel normal and happy. He's a 'functioning' alcoholic and it has just destroyed everything. I ended it as I just couldn't bear to see the children see him drunk every weekend. He is either working or drinking - there's no in between. I am just devastated although it was me that ended it. He became violent in September and was arrested yet despite all this we still tried to make a go of things over Christmas. I had my guard up and sadly he got drunk and was abusive again. Two weeks later he announces that he's moving on with the landlady of a pub that he's done lots of plumbing for. I am heartbroken. I want my family back but he has just cut me off. The kids are very upset and he's hardly bothered with them. I have begged him to stop drinking and focus on the kids but he won't. We haven't even been married a year. How can I move on? I feel so humiliated and gutted for my kids. They are refusing to see him and I don't blame them. I only ever wanted a happy family 😢

pippistrelle Tue 15-Mar-16 20:49:01

I feel very sad for you, starsong. Christmas wasn't very long ago so it must all feel very raw, but you will be a happy family, you and your children - and you'll all be better off without the drama and self-centeredness that comes with addiction to alcohol.

Cassawooff Wed 16-Mar-16 00:14:44

Thanks for all you comments. starsong I'm sorry for what you've been through. And thanks for sharing your story. It helps to know I am not alone in dealing with all this.

There are a few threads similar to this on here at the moment, and reading that others feel the same as you, and your emotions are normal does help. As does people saying it will get better even if you are not sure you believe them right now

I will revisit my GP. I'm willing to try anything that might work.

starsong32 Wed 16-Mar-16 09:57:10

Thank you and it is some comfort to know that I'm not alone. It's just so sad that we put all our love into one person and they just abuse that love. I have referred myself for counselling via my gp and I've been on anti depressants for 8 years. I think I am grieving for the man I wanted him to be. The reality of him is not pretty. He has issues but he seems fine and is 'moving on'. I wish he'd move on as far away as possible from me! The sad thing is that he has done this to a previous partner and their son. X

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now