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Why can't I move on??

(23 Posts)
Dollygirl2008 Tue 15-Mar-16 10:54:53

Old threads - left after 25 years - another woman blah blah blah 8 months ago. They've had their ups and downs, he's left her twice but gone back but now he realises that he really loves her and wants to make it work despite her DC and other external factors in those situations.

Me? Well - I don't want to be with him - I think I knew that deep down in the beginning and I certainly know it now if I'm totally honest. DC seem fine and much happier in a way.

BUT why the hell can't I accept he's with someone else?? Why do I feel this need to still be wanted by him?? When will I start to accept the OW?? It feels slightly twisted - I don't want him but I don't want her to have him, nor him to be happy - maybe as a kind of punishment? It feels like I'm being punched every time I find out they've gone away, or going out somewhere. Anything that makes it "real". I still feel controlled by him - still want to "please" him in my decisions and choices. Is it just that it takes longer than 8 months?!

How do I stop thinking/caring about "them" and thinking about "me and DC"?

IrianofWay Tue 15-Mar-16 11:12:36

Rejection hurts. It really stings. I have been married a long time and DH had an affair - didn't leave, never intended to - and there was also a resentment that he had had all of me for so long, all of my youth, and then looked elsewhere at someone younger. Even after we have repaired and rebooted our marriage there is still a tiny ember of anger at that.

What to do? Realise that your happiness comes from you. He chose to go elsewhere - that is his choice, it is not a reflection on you. He chose to be with you for many years - that time isn't meaningless just because he feels differently now. You have a chance to make a choice too regardless of him and his choices.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Mar-16 11:39:30

Well as a very rough guide (crap really) it's one month per year so you have a long way to go yet.
It's different for everyone.
25 years is a very long time and it's devastating when it all ends.
Please be kind to yourself and give yourself the space you need.
You won't wake up tomorrow and be OK with it.
It's a process and it can be a long one.

I believe (and I could be wrong) that they are very close by which does not help one tiny little bit.
At least my OH went to another country so it wasn't right under my nose.

You will get there but you just aren't ready yet.
There is no time limit so stop trying to put one on this situation.
One day at a time.

Dollygirl2008 Tue 15-Mar-16 12:17:25

Thank you - you're right of course. I suppose I just needed to know that what I'm feeling is normal rather than being a vindictive bitch. Yes, I am that as I still have moments of feeling angry but I admit thats fading as I don't want (can't have) a war. And I suppose I've spent the last 25 years trying to please him - that's not meant to sound submissive but it's just how I am - so it's a hard habit to break. I'm still living in the house so perhaps when I move, that will be another (huge) hurdle and a break of the ties.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Mar-16 12:20:41

It took me 5 years to divorce and move out of the family home.
Do you know what? I didn't shed a single tear when I left.
I thought I would but I was just excited about the new life ahead of me.
It was a relief to leave, although I loved my house and I never thought I'd have that reaction.
Breaking totally free was very..... well, freeing!

Bree85 Tue 15-Mar-16 14:02:53

I hope you can find happiness. Don't dwell on them, find your own happiness too. Yeah it hurts when people you love leave you but you cannot undone things. Move on.

Dollygirl2008 Tue 15-Mar-16 16:32:36

Bree - I know - but its soooo bloody hard. I've always been incredibly independent minded and strong, and now I hate the fact that I feel myself stuck in limbo - constantly obsessing about OW and him.

HellsBells... - yes, although I adore my family home, there is a part of me that feels I need to be "free" and in a new home for myself and the DC. However, we live in a ridiculously expensive part of the country and its not going to be possible to get anywhere close so I have anxieties about all of that, timing, renting? afford to buy? etc etc. I will pull it all apart and then piece it back together, but its exhausting isn't it!!

Part of me is still sooo bloody angry - how DARE they do this to me? Did she just think she was bagging herself a catch? Does OW even have a clue that I'm losing my family unit as I knew it, my car, my home, the only place my DC have ever known???? The upheaval to the DC? No - she's just got what she wants. You have to wonder, don't you!

Cassawooff Tue 15-Mar-16 17:35:47

I just posted something similar, but thought I'd join here instead. I am in a similar place to you - except for me it is 1.5 years on. My H had an affair, and left. It is definitely over and he is still with OW. We met young and had been together 20 years.

I am finding it hard to accept and move on. I cry every day. I hate every other week-end without the children. That he has left me is constantly on my mind. I miss him. I miss being a family. I am struggling to get over the loss of my family life, having to juggle events so they fit in with 'my' week-ends. I cannot ever imagine being OK with not being able to see my children every other week-end (and the children are young - I have years of this ahead). And he's now finding the time to be with the OW which he never found for me and the children - if he had we might not be in this position.

I am angry that he could do this to me and his children. They are actually doing OK-ish - their main problem being a sad and struggling mother. I still care for him and would have done anything to save my marriage and am haunted by 'if onlys'.

I have to see him quite regularly because of the children and each time is so painful. He tells me of holiday plans with the children and I am so sad I can no longer be involved in those. I still have the physical pain of a broken-heart. He is fine and has moved on without a backward glance.

Your comment about having spent years trying to please your H and still trying to really struck a chord with me.

I just have a deep sadness. I just get through life now. I will be watching this thread with interest.

SoThatHappened Wed 16-Mar-16 04:50:07

I still feel controlled by him - still want to "please" him in my decisions and choices.

Oh jesus i couldn't articulate that in words. I do the same.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 16-Mar-16 09:51:30

Morning all - Cassawood - I feel so bad for not replying to you yesterday but I stupidly logged out of my computer and couldn't for the life of me remeber my password (I struggle to remember my name these days!). I'm in work at the moment but will reply to you all soon. It's absurdly reassuring that I don't seem to be the only one feeling like this.

berrycloud Wed 16-Mar-16 10:49:30

I feel the same as well. My husband slept with other people and did lots of online messaging. He has left and we are having a trial seperation. But I still find myself doing things to please him, they way he wants contact, when I should be leaving him alone etc Everything I say is wrong and I don't feel he's making any effort. I'm heart broken and miserable most of the time

But like you I've spent years trying to please him. I've recently got the book Wife Work, only read a few pages but it's already made me think there's a lot that wives do to please their husbands that men don't do.
It's still a horrible feeling. You have my sympathy OP, I hope talking helps. It's the lost peace of mind which is hard to deal with and live with as well.

Do you still love him OP even if you know it's not right to be with him?

Pinkheart5915 Wed 16-Mar-16 10:52:23

Rejection always stings. And 25 years is a massive part of your life to share with somebody.
8 months isn't that long ago, it might take some time but you will find happiness again.
Have you started any new hobbies? Just to get out and make new friends.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 16-Mar-16 12:14:27

Lovely to hear from you all and I've obviously hit a nerve with not just me. I guess my situation is slightly different in that I knew the relationship was probably over, but I was willing to make a change and carry on for the wrong reasons (ie, comfort, family, outward appearances). I actually prefer not being with him and I'm absolutely fine, just me and the DC. Although he behaved like a tw*t and moved in with OW and her children straight away (barely even stopped at traffic lights!), he has been reasonable in that he has said he's happy for DC not to meet OW or her children, and thats been 8 months. DC wouldn't go anyway, but the fact is that I'm grateful he's not pushing it.

I'm very lucky in that I have a brilliant friend set, and am always busy and actually enjoying certain aspects of the freedom, for example, not having to answer to anyone, not hearing "what time will you be back?", not having to check on plans when we're invited places or family gatherings. I can do whatever I bloody well like (within reason) and it's liberating. I have a very responsible, demanding job and my phones goes all times of the day and night - again, no one tutting in the background. My DC tag along and I rarely don't take him with me - he's my little friend and luckily he plays with all my friends children. Ex-OH see's him on the school run 3 days a week, takes him to football and occasionally has him one afternoon on a weekend. Not much, but then I don't want to push it or he will say "fine, but he comes to me". So, you can see I have a lot to be thankful for.

HOWEVER, I still find myself crumbling - not fighting back or saying what I really feel because I know it will p*ss him off. Do you know what I think it is with me? That hope that he's going home to "her" and thinking to himself "actually, ex wasn't that bad after all" and making OW look bad!!!!

It's simple - I don't want him, but its horrible NOT being wanted. Someone NOT wanting to be with me, spend time with me. Someone actually CHOOSING to be with someone else. Doing all the things we used to do.

And for that, I hate him. But still love him.

IrianofWay Wed 16-Mar-16 12:35:53

Something to think about OP. He had blown his world up for his OW, made himself the bad guy and lost his old life. Imagine how hard it would be for him to admit it was a mistake and he regrets it - I often wonder how many relationships that start this way had a kind of forced inertia even though one or both parties aren't all that happy.

Dollygirl2008 Wed 16-Mar-16 14:08:43

Yes Irianofway - I totally understand that. We all believe that they are in love-utopia, and in a lot of ways they are. However, real-life gets in the way I'm sure, and in fact before Christmas (after the hatred had settled down), he started to confide in me a bit, became "friends" again and he opened up about what a nightmare some of it had become - the external factors, the DC etc. He even left for a few days but then went back because the pull must have been too strong.

So, it hurts to say it, but I guess they are deeply in love and want to make it work. But I doubt it's easy. Not with three DC under 10. But do I give a shit??? No - not really. In fact, it makes it easier to deal with.

SoThatHappened Wed 16-Mar-16 19:47:36

We all believe that they are in love-utopia, and in a lot of ways they are. However, real-life gets in the way I'm sure

It sure does. We all believe our exes are having the most fabulous sex and having the most amazing, loving, gentle, with not a bad word said, relationship.

However, we all know life isn't like that. Particularly not for men who are not decent, as your ex isnt and my ex wasnt.

They will still be them even with a new partner. My exes behaviour was so extreme, I can't believe he will never do things like that ever again.

The thing is, in a new relationship when you dont really know each other and it's all new, it is easy to behave yourself. There is no ill feeling or history and it is easy to behave. However one you become accustomed to each other and the honeymoon period is over, who you are comes out again.

Once the newness and the crazy hormones have worn off, you are back to your own ordinary, real life with all the issues and problems you had before but now just with someone else in it.

No one stays in a loved up utopia very long. However I have convinced myself tht my ex is in love utopia :-(

SongBird16 Wed 16-Mar-16 22:07:44

I'm in the same position op, comforting to know I'm not alone.

Like you, I don't want him but I don't want him to be happy with her either.

However, my ex spends a lot of time here because DC don't want to visit the house he shares with ow, and little things slip out about their relationship, and he has also expressed a great deal of remorse and regret.

Last week he said he wakes up in the night panicking and wondering what exactly he'd been looking for, when he already had everything here.

I suppose I must be a dreadful person, because it gave me a sort of closure to know that he regrets it, and that their life is barrelling onwards without him being fully onboard, though I'm certain ow will be unaware of that fact. I expect that's pretty common actually, but doubt many unfaithful spouses admit it to their exes.

I think they are rarely in love utopia although it can seem that way.

I often think they are more saddened by the changed relationships with their DC also than they would ever admit. My DC are pretty much adults now but XH hasn't seen much of them at all since they were 16/18. One positive aspect of my break up for me has been my much nicer relationship with the DC actually. Not so nice for the DC though.

On the house front it also took me four years to move. It seemed like a big step. It is however the best thing I've done. Almost accidentally I moved to another village (I had been looking more locally) just a few miles away. Like you I live in a very expensive part of the UK and the move wasn't easy. But I love the new house and actually life with some new people is great for me and the DC.

Dollygirl2008 Thu 17-Mar-16 10:12:55

Songbird - you have hit the nail on the head. When it all blew up for them a few weeks ago, I was (secretly) delighted and really wanted to scream "I told you so". He even asked me whether we were definitely over and I had to say "yes" because for me, once the trust is broken, thats it. Since he went back, he's not even mentioned her so either they realise that together is where they want to be, or he's back in a tricky situation and doesn't want to admit it to me or anyone. Not sure I should be given it so much thought but like you say, it helps to know its not great.

IfYoureHappy - good to know that a move was a positive step forward. I know I need to get the ball rolling and I expect I'll start looking at finances and valuations over Easter.

Plus I saw the OW this morning as a fluke on my way to work - sent me wobbly.

tartanbuggy Thu 17-Mar-16 19:47:59

Hello, thought I'd join in on this thread because so much of it resonates with my current situation.

I've got another thread going but, briefly, my DH and I are both 54 and have been married for 26 years. We have 3 kids - DD1 (20), DD2 (17) and DS1 (17). In January DH told me had had been miserable in our loveless marriage for a long time and that he wanted to leave. He said that I had constantly spoken to him like an idiot and treated him like s**t since the kids had been born and that he wanted to get the chance of happiness before he died. He couldn't face a miserable old age with me and so was leaving. I asked if there was somebody else and he said he had been seeing somebody at work and that he loves her. He is one of the big bosses in a multi-national high profile company and she came in as a graduate trainee. He told me that she is 28 and a "really lovely person" who had very toxic parents and had been brought up by an older sibling. DH and OW moved into a flat together two weeks after he told me our marriage was over.

I too am finding it more and more difficult to deal with the issue of OW. I desperately want their relationship to implode, not because I want DH back but because the thought of them being together and me being cast out like some old dishcloth actually causes me physical pain. Everybody is convinced that a relationship like that can't last and that it will all backfire on them, but I am secretly terrified that they will live happily ever after and that the DC will meet and like the OW and want to spend time with her and DH ....

At the moment, DD2 is seeing her dad. He said to her that he hoped she might meet OW at some stage but DD2 has said she doesn't want to meet her. I am in bits thinking that DD2 might relent at some stage and decide to meet OW. DD1 and DS1 are both very angry at their dad and don't want any contact with him. I realise that that might change over time and I keep worrying that they might agree to meet OW. It's like some kind of insane torture or punishment being inflicted on me and I'm not doing very well at convincing myself that it's not actually all my fault and that I don't deserve what's happened.

It's difficult to say who I despise more: DH who decided to fix his rotten marriage by going off with OW and, by the way, if our marriage had been a good one this would not have happened or OW who actively and knowingly pursued a relationship with a married man with 3 kids. What do they get out of it? How can they do this? Do they have any bloody idea of the emotional carnage they cause?

I like the comment by SoThatHappened about nobody staying in a loved up utopia for very long. Hope that's true in DH/OW case. There! Now I sound like the bitter old bag he obviously thinks I am.

Dollygirl2008 Fri 18-Mar-16 13:50:26

Oh tartanbuggy - " I desperately want their relationship to implode, not because I want DH back but because the thought of them being together and me being cast out like some old dishcloth actually causes me physical pain*" - SO much of what you say is a carbon copy of how I feel!!! I know I'm very lucky with the DC (she's only 8) not wanting to meet OW, and the fact that my ex isn't pushing it, but I don't know how much longer that will continue. It makes me feel physically sick at the thought of her going there, and *horror of horrors, the thought of her actually liking her.

In your case, I have to say, the age gap will surely cause problems very soon, if not already. It's just not sustainable - not when the reality sets in. I wouldn't be surprised if its well and truly settled in already!!!!

And yes, does OW actually realise the carnage she's caused, they've caused? And I've probably played my part, I'm sure. And this OW - what sort of a b*tch moves a bloke in their their kids after meeting the kids ONCE?!?!?!?!?!?!

GGRRRR sorry - clearly the anger has QUITE subsided......

Allofaflumble Fri 18-Mar-16 14:51:49

I dont think you are a vindictive bitch, just someone who is hurting.

I was not left but had to leave for my sanity. He was was stringing me along with no intention of a commitment. I wasted a lot of years.

Two years later and we are NC but I still have feelings of revenge and want to give him a mouthful! I don't but it is so hard.

I dont have any confidence to meet someone else, dont trust my ability to discern someone good for me, so I can't do the traditional moving on with someone else.

Just to let you know I totally understand how you feel.

Dollygirl2008 Mon 21-Mar-16 05:04:22

Sounds ridiculous but it's 5am and I've been awake for hours. He turned up today in HER car. Sounds so silly but even just this tiny act has led to a chain of awful thoughts in my mind that has meant a very dark day followed by a sleepless night. In my mind, she obviously took 'his' brand new car for her day out with her children - just perhaps makes me realise that they really are a couple, sharing life together. How can something so profound just come from a bloody car!!!!!soor for rambling but I'm hoping that getting it out might help me sleep.

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