Hi all! Got a bit of a strange dilemma that I would love some advice on if ya don't mind?! ;-)
Okay, so exDP and I split up earlier last year but remain very good buds indeed. In fact, that's why we split up as we were just good buds with no more shagging (boooo)! We have 3 kids that live with me full-time. Ex is currently living with his folks, as financially we just couldn't afford 2 separate houses. But he's round here all the time, mostly 3 evenings in a week after work and he usually stays over all weekend too. His parents house isn't roomy enough (or safe enough - it's currently a building site!) to have the kids so he just comes here.
The kids love having him here and he loves seeing them even more. And he and I actually genuinely love hanging out chatting shite and watching TV/movies/etc once they're in bed - we rub along very well together, so family time is always a pleasure, never a chore.
Unfortunately for ex, his folks have decided to sell up both their properties (their current abode where ex is staying and also their rental property) and move to the countryside to retire (livin' the dream)! So by the end of the year exDP will be out on his arse! I expect his folks can't wait!
So, to get to the point (I've never been very good at that!), we have been throwing different ideas for living situations into the ring. He suggested just moving back in, to save money and because he wants to do more 50-50 parenting, which would be great in some ways but I'm not so sure it's ideal, as it may confuse the kids and I don't want he or I to have to do the whole "leaving and moving out" thing again one day as it might upset them...
I go (almost) full time at work in May (have been doing part time since maternity leave ended last year) and he has just landed a new job for a little bit more money. However, since only our eldest is at school so far, there will be roughly 4 months where our two youngest kids are both in childcare until middle DC starts reception in September. It's gonna be a tight summer! Luckily for us, exPIL have said that, as their tenants are leaving their rental property (also in May), that exDP can stay there for a couple of months rent free until it sells. Result!
With the extra money we will soon have coming in, here's my idea: the family home will be the "base" and the kids home, (so that they don't have to shuttle between 2 properties and can stay where they know and love) and once PIL's rental has sold, me and ex will then rent a double room in a house-share (or at a stretch, a very cheap studio flat), which we would both use, taking turns to go between there and the family home, and also having family time on weekends. So an average week would look something like this:
Monday: ex with kids/me @ flat
Tuesday: ex with kids/me @ flat
Wednesday: me with kids/ex @ flat
Thursday: me with kids/ex @ flat
Friday: both with kids @ family home
Saturday: both with kids @ family home
Sunday: both with kids @ family home
Pros: This would enable us to parent 50-50, yet both have a life outside of work during the week, whilst retaining the lovely family thing we got going on at the weekends. The kids keep their home and their space will be sacred, as we would never bring any conquests back to the family home - only the flat. exDP wants to be more involved in the school/nursery run stuff and the selfish part of me would like time to have a life and a break for once. It would also be easier to dial this arrangement down, little by little in the future if ever either of us were to meet someone else (although exDP is adamant that he'll NEVER marry anyone now, only wants casual flings and definitely NO MORE KIDS, lol! Whereas I'm more optimistic than he is that someone might actually marry me one day)!
Cons: It might get confusing and we'll have to be organised to keep on top of everything. We will need to sort out 2 sets of clothes/cutlery/etc for both places. The sheets might need changing @ the flat 3 times a week! And worst of all, out ability to save money will be severely impacted for several years (although promotion prospects eventually look good for both of us, particularly him and we will only have one kid left in childcare come the Autumn). So things will be pretty tight until youngest DC starts school in a few years anyway.
So mumsnetters, is this worth trying over the next few years whilst the kids are still small? I'm secretly quite excited about it (and so is exDP) but are we being foolish here? Should we both maintain completely separate homes, but struggle with money and the bulk of childcare would still be on me? Or should he just move in so we can save lots more money, but can't have any separate private lives easily? I'm sure my idea is the best compromise but If there's anything we haven't thought of, please by all means drop me a line. Cheers!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Does this sound crazy or might it actually work?!
ULoveIt · 14/03/2016 22:02
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