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just had a little chat...

(14 Posts)
MooningIntoTheAbyss Mon 14-Mar-16 21:17:56

He hasn't moved out yet, but we are separating.
He was quite emotionally abusive, closed off, lots of gas lighting, stone walling and empty promises.
Small changes made that never lasted and lots of anger and verbal abuse.

Anyway, we were discussing how to behave between now and him moving out to make it easier on the kids and he took the opportunity to give me the 'have you thought about the consequences of YOUR decisions speech.

Like I've lightly decided to divorce him and only thought about myself. Going on about how hard done by he is.
I do realise that it is tough on him. He loses his family, his home, his day to day life.
But he shouldn't have been a dick.

Even though, I'm struggling.

marriednotdead Mon 14-Mar-16 21:42:15

Just keep breathing, try not to engage. He will throw lots more crap at you in order to make himself feel better.
Don't let any of it deter you. Hope he will move out sooner rather than later.

I've been where you are and I promise you it gets so much better. I first consulted a solicitor and told my ex I wanted a divorce in April last year.
After a horrendous few months he moved out in August and 7 months on, I've never been happier although he is bitter and miserable. My divorce should become final any day now smile

Keep your eye on the prize- your freedom. You're worth it flowers

mineofuselessinformation Mon 14-Mar-16 21:49:36

'Yes, I did, and I believe it's right for me and the children' is all you need to say. Don't let him use emotional blackmail on you.

MooningIntoTheAbyss Mon 14-Mar-16 21:52:52

Does it sound totally nuts to feel guilty? And not want to hurt him?

Cos I genuinely do feel sorry for him. I feel guilty. I actually don't want him to go, I just want him to change.

Am I still in a stage? Will that foggy sadness of uncertainty and sadness of simply not being married to the father of my children... Does it lift??

mum2mum99 Mon 14-Mar-16 22:37:05

Guilt is counter-productive if you were in an abusive relationship. It means he can still play M. nice guy and play you.
Sadness is part of giving up any relationship and your dreams of what you felt could have been. Except it could never have been, because he was abusive. Time to look after yourself, because he never has done.brew

MooningIntoTheAbyss Tue 15-Mar-16 10:07:16

I went to a GP appt this morning.
I couldn't say out loud what I needed to so I wrote it down for her. She has put me forward for counselling and wants me to see her weekly until such time as the counselling starts.

I feel very guilty and very sad. I feel quite stupid.
I feel sad for my DC, not having a full time dad around. I feel like I'm in control of lots of people's lives right now and have power to effectively destroy them.
I never pictured divorce in my life. Separated family. I always thought I would have that picture perfect family.
I have 2 picture perfect children.

Who have absolutely no clue what is happening. They have no clue.
Dd is gonna be distraught. She adores him.
DS waits for him to come home and is so cuddly when he does.

I know what I'm doing is the right thing but t doesn't feel like it is.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 15-Mar-16 23:05:44

There is a little part of you that still loves him. It's not easy to let go of - but you will.
And you are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children.
Don't doubt yourself.

MooningIntoTheAbyss Tue 15-Mar-16 23:19:55

What if it is me? What if he is right?

Is this normal, how I'm feeling?
I love him cos he fathered my children. I could very happily stay with him if he treated us better. I mean, I want him.

This would be so easy if I hated him. But I don't.
I want to be with the father of my children.
I see them with him and I love it. When he's nice, happy.

But when it snaps.... It's dark. For days.

I don't want what I want. I am just rambling. I have no one much to talk to IRL.
I am scared of being a single parent.
How will we cope?

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Tue 15-Mar-16 23:27:12

Presumably you have given him lots of chances to change his bad periods? And he has promised that he will?
And he hasn't.
He has had his chances and he CHOSE not to find ways to make the changes he needed to make.
Which is why you are taking the right decision in not letting this situation continue. If you did let it, its almost certain that the bad bits would come to outweigh the good.
And that wouldn't be healthy or nice for you or the children.
You will cope. They will cope. Well done for not just sticking your head in the sand.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Tue 15-Mar-16 23:28:22

Plenty of us not only cope, but thrive as single parents Mooning. It's fab having the freedom to make decisions for you and your DCs and the mental and physical space to figure out what YOU like and what YOU want to do with your life.

Of course he's making you feel guilty. He's lost his easy ride. He can still be a great dad to his DCs, they will love spending time with him, but he can't be the partner you need him to be, that's fiction, he's not capable of it.

I'm fairly certain this hasn't come out of the blue - you will have discussed these issues over and over before you decided to LTB. Try to keep focussed on the good life ahead of you, free of his stranglehold on you. No more tiptoeing around to try not to anger him.

What really helped me was to write out a pro and con list for staying with XH (best and worst case scenario) and for leaving him (best and worse). When I compared the worst case for leaving it wasn't that bad and the best case for staying was still pretty dire, as I knew he would never be able to actually change - you know this too in your heart.

RealityCheque Tue 15-Mar-16 23:29:54

Have you had counselling? You don't seem very sure about anything.

MooningIntoTheAbyss Tue 15-Mar-16 23:41:44

I am waiting for counselling.
I am sure. It's taken 2 years to get here. I can not believe a word he says anymore.

What I'm struggling with is the 'what if'. Because I am an emotional person. And I tend to endlessly give the benefit of the doubt.
During the day it's easy to be strong. 2 kids running around, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

But when the sun goes down and I put them to bed and he is on the sofa and the sheer size and weight of this decision is sitting fully on my shoulders I am wobbling.

His nasty little word seeds he planted start growing and I doubt myself.
I'm also dreading the next 20 years of contact. And I will bet my hat (I have a really really fucking nice hat) that he immediately changes his job so he can pay less and cos he's work shy.
He works damn hard right now, he really does, but I only know how hard he works cos he never fucking stops telling everyone how hard he works, how tired he is, how tough his job is.
Once the storm passes, when he moved out and I can breathe I will know. I will be sure.
I'm just sad. And resentful.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Wed 16-Mar-16 00:00:10

As you are allowed to be. You are grieving. For who you thought he was. For what you thought your relationship could be.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 16-Mar-16 00:11:51

Yes, absolutely, it is grief for the future and the family you thought you would have. It feels like someone died because they did - the husband you wished you had. The potential for a better him has now gone because you've accepted that there IS NO better him. So you have to let go of that dream and accept the reality, which is why it feels so hard, even though you know it is right.

If it was easy we'd all have done it years ago! There's a reason so many women stay for so long with undeserving partners, we are paralysed by the fear of the unknown. But it can and most likely will be brilliant. Search on here for the threads about 'does anyone regret Leaving The Bastard?' and see how many tales of fulfilling, happy lives with new and loving partners there are. You can be one of them.

There were 4 of us around the same time who split up with XHs while supporting each other on here 4 years ago. Now 3 of us have new partners, new careers, happy DCs, one of us is engaged, another has had relationships and a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with her ex before realising she was happy concentrating on herself and her DDs/career and has a very active social life once she stopped letting her arse of an XH mess her about.

Please don't think this is all there is for you. Yes, you will be tied to him through the DCs but there are ways to minimise the disruption he will try to cause and to take back the power from him so that his attempts to be difficult don't impact you and your DCs too much.

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