Cheating spouse

Tess54 · 2016-03-14 13:07:14

I don’t really know where to start but after reading some similar stories on here, here goes! My husband of 4 years has cheated on me. We have been together in total for 11 years. Although we have both been married before, me once him twice, we were both single when we met. I knew my husbands first wife cheated on him and he cheated on his second wife. As most people say who have been cheated on, my husband really is a kind and loving man and I know he loves me. So here’s the story: September 2015 I receive a message on the answerphone saying I have your husbands baby! Obviously I confronted him straight away and he admitted it at once. I honestly cannot believe how calm I was, to be honest deep down I knew something was wrong for some time but buried my head. He confessed he met her on a ‘porn’ web site and they had been talking for some time before he went to her house. It was a fetish thing, something he thought I would find degrading!!! It lasted 6 months and he only went to her place, he never took her out on dates. This is true as he never ‘went missing’ in the evenings or weekends. Apparently they fell out for a short time, I don’t know what about but then ‘got back together’. She told him she couldn’t have children so he never used a condom!! Buy hey ho, she got pregnant. As soon as she became pregnant he ended the relationship (he has shown me the texts and emails) . He has had a dna and yes its his kid (he has no other kids, I have 2 grown up kids from my previous marriage). He is supporting the child but wants no contact. At first, after the child was born, she threatened to put the child up for adoption or kill herself if my husband would not leave me and live with her. He has assured me he does not want her nor any contact with the child. He wants to save our marriage and realises what a &&&& he has been. Recently we found an advert from this woman on the internet seeking a sperm donor or co parent and stating as she couldn’t find one, she is now going to go and find any man for his sperm, and boy did she. We have a screen shot of this. I am not putting all the blame on her its 50/50. Whether she could have a baby or not he still should of used a condom. But really he should never of done this in the first place. We have good jobs, nice home and a relationship that many friends are jealous of – if only they knew! After lots of tears and talking I decided to try and put this away. I can never forget and never forgive, and this he knows. I can honestly say I know he is remorseful. I gave him the option to walk away from our marriage and if not to be with this woman then to at least see the child (I cannot be in his life if he chose this option) but he was adamant it was me he wants. This woman knew he was in a relationship but he never told her he was married until after the baby was born. The child will be 1 in May. He was 53 and she was 34. During our relationship we have had many troublesome times. Including bereavement of parents, money and business worries, and a court case due to some financial problems. All this is now sorted and I thought we could now get on with our lives but no this bomb shell happens. Our sex life became non existent for over 2 years and he spent most of his time upstairs on the computer and I would be downstairs, now I know why! He has now binned the computer and uses my laptop in front of me. I have also been going through the menopause and even though we still told each other every day we loved each other, there was no intimacy apart from a peck on the cheek, night and morning. This my say odd, but when I discovered the affair, I wanted sex with him and oh boy ever since we cant get enough of each other, just like it used to me. But its also so intimate between each other and sensual. We can both see where we got stuck in a rut. It is still no excuse for what he did, as I NEVER strayed when the going got tough! When I ask him questions about her or the affair he does answer me and I know he’s uncomfortable but I enjoy watching him squirm. He’s around now when I am watching the soaps which seem to be about affairs or dna tests! Just these past couple of weeks though I cannot get it out of my head 24 hours a day what he has done to me and I hate him! But I love him. I keep imagining them together, I didn’t ask, and don’t want to ask what they did together although I have a bloody good idea. Then I start imagining things, did he do this, did he do that. When I see a little girl I think, my husband has one of those. What happens if she comes knocking on the door in 16 years time…… my head is spinning with it all. One minute I want to save my marriage the next I want to ask for a divorce. I am saving up an emergency fund just in case. Then I am looking at properties and thinking can I afford to buy on my own. What would I be entitled to it I divorced him. So much is going round my head! The monthly payment out of our bank is a constant reminder too! Hopefully when he retires in 4 years the payments will reduce. I know this sounds cold from me but he will get a tax free lump sum on retirement and I just hope she cannot claim some of that. I know he will still pay a percentage from his private pension each month but the payment will reduce significantly. He did ask her rather than pay through the child maintenance people that he would put £30k in a trust for the child but she refused saying she had already set up a trust! I don’t think so, no disrespect, a single mum in a council flat, although now it seems the council are giving her a house! Bitter, damn right I am!! Is he a bad person for not having anything to do with the child… We have talked about relate and he would go but I know he feels so embarrassed. I don’t know If I would want to go either. No one but my best friend knows about this. He doesn’t even know she knows.

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