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On line dating and (much) older men.

(104 Posts)
coalfire Mon 14-Mar-16 07:38:44

I've tried so hard! I have rewritten my profile. I've put up smiley pictures. I am fifty and I have an age range of 46-58 for a possible mate. And yet ONLY MEN WHO ARE SIXTY PLUS CONTACT ME. With an average age of 65.
I don't want to have a seventy year old boyfriend in five years. I am sure there are lots of young seventy year olds. But as my last boyfriend was 36 it mean I will have effectively skipped over 35 years of men. by the time my kids are grown up I will have to start looking after my 75 year old partner.
I am not sure what to do. Or I am sure what to do. I should lie about my age. these men are no doubt lying about their age. Loads of them look around 101 anyway.
I am feeling so exhausted and cynical. I've been at this for months, and I think one 50 something has contacted me in this time.
What can I do? Any online dating sites you can recommend?

coalfire Mon 14-Mar-16 07:43:47

Just to add: I would answer an email from an older man if he made the effort to actually write to me, even a few short lines, rather than 'like' and then bugger off. It's just that not only are these men much older, they are also not even making an effort. If I contact someone I always write a line or two (and am generally ignored) and if someone writes to me and I am not interested I always try and write a polite message back, including the 68 year old who wrote to me last week.
I've noticed that my reverse matches are all men within my age range ....who don't want to go out with women my age (i.e. not matches at all). Which leads me to believe that the algorithm has to throw up something (who wants to sign up for a site with no matches?) and if there isn't anyone just chucks up loads of people whose criteria don't fit.

FredaMayor Mon 14-Mar-16 07:53:23

Yes, you should lie about your age, almost everyone else does.

Rubberbandits Mon 14-Mar-16 08:00:39

There was an interesting discussion on our local radio recently. A woman who ran a dating agency was talking about how often she had to chat to her clients about unrealistic expectations. She said that most women hoped to meet someone around their own age plus or minus 5 years but of equal educational/ professional standing. Most men wanted to meet someone between 20 and 30. These men's ages ranged from 40 to 70. These men generally wanted a partner half their age.
The interviewee spent a lot of time trying to manage these clients' expectations. Older men want young women. Women want a similar partner.
I found it all very interesting.

Trills Mon 14-Mar-16 08:29:04

Lying about your age only works if you are happy to
a - continue to lie
b - date someone who doesn't mind that you lied to them

flatbellyfella Mon 14-Mar-16 09:14:56

coalfire but think of the benefits a good older man could bring to the table, own home, loads in the bank, take you on exotic holidays. wink

JeanPadget Mon 14-Mar-16 11:34:52

Coalfire I have had exactly the same experience as you, which is why I gave up on OLD. The only approaches I had from someone my age were (1) a chap who still lived at home and posed with his ferrets (2) a polyamorous guy who wanted to add me to his harem confused

I am just concentrating on doing nice things with friends and resigning myself to being a mad cat lady.

JeanPadget Mon 14-Mar-16 12:10:28

Oh, and I don't know how to do links, but if you search something like 'OKCupid age preferences graph' you'll see how men get more and more unrealistic as they get older shock

coalfire Mon 14-Mar-16 16:49:03

well, that link was certainly salutary, JeanPaget.

I don't want to be a mad cat lady!!!!

clarrylove Mon 14-Mar-16 17:23:53

My friend is a lovely guy of 51 and looking for a female the same age as him. He doesn't want younger and is realistic. He is using Elite Singles. Maybe try a different site?

Justaboy Mon 14-Mar-16 19:02:02

Just a word from the other side of the dating coin. I'm a 64 single divorced male and have been online for a couple of months now on a paid site and have thus far met seven ladies age range from 53 to 60.

Of them Three never stopped for a moment whining and complaining and dishing all the dirt they could mange on their "ex". Hardly got a word in edgeways. Hardly had any discussion about their likes interests family except for the bar-steward 'effing EX! yes that word was used by one all the time!

Another all she seemed interested in was my bank balance and credit rating and company reports, might have been simpler if I'd have bought the bank statements and company returns instead of that very nice bunch of flowers!.

Another was all about her "ex" again and how she missed him as he ran away with another woman and it'd broken her heart etc etc. Sorry I don't what to hear that. I'm into a new relationship for us not your long lost love that treated you badly and you haven't got over him as yet.

Another was just mean, it was an expensive restaurant but no offer to pay or split the bill i didn't really mind but i know for a fact that this lady was on a very high pay whack, six figures and was mean in most any conversation we had. No way could i live with her.

And finally one who where we decided that we'd be best off just as "friends" which we are. I very much doubt we'd get on under the same roof but have got a lot on common otherwise. However I feel that shes looking for her "dad" as he has been and probably still is the number one male in her life. She'd been single for some 10 years no other males around.

However she at 58 years old said that she has had a few responses from other men around the 60 mark but quite a few of 40 to 45 years old to whom she gave short shrift to as they'd be too young for her.

No others lined up as yet but a friend of mine on hearing this did say ever thought of trying for a much younger girl who is still single?

Justaboy Mon 14-Mar-16 19:04:56

And BTW one of them her picture was taken must have been 20 years ago and she did lie about her age, out by 8 years!.

Awholelottanosy Mon 14-Mar-16 19:12:16

I'd go younger personally, except I find young men to be a bit immature. I'm the same age as you and these are the only men who seem to be interested in me online. It sucks!

Gabilan Mon 14-Mar-16 19:28:15

I'm mid 40s. I look for men around 5 years younger to 8 years older. I get responses from men 10-15 years older. If I like them I might respond but only if their stated age range includes both older and younger women. I get pissed off with ageism and won't date someone who buys into it.

Fortunately I already have lovely cats grin

BatshitCrazyWoman Mon 14-Mar-16 19:43:14

I've only been OLD for a couple of months, I'm 51. I've had a couple of messages from men over 60, but mostly men in the 45-55 bracket message me, and a little sub-set of thirty-somethings. I'm currently seeing a 50 year old, and chatting to another man the same age, and a 39 year old grin

What site are you using?

sallyjane40 Mon 14-Mar-16 19:45:58

I had mostly similar experience - The only thing I can suggest is that if you have any special interests/hobbies, find a site which either specialises (e.g. classic fms dating thing, if music is your thing), or which collects your interests in detail and uses them to help you find people. Then you may find there are people who want you for your shared interests, rather than picking by age.

Also, try contacting someone if they sound/looks pleasant from their profile, even if the site didn't pick them out particularly (the site isn't infallible at choosing). I know some people say you'll look too pushy if you make the first move, but you don't have to flirt wildly, and it is the 21st century!

ittooshallpass Mon 14-Mar-16 19:53:03

I'm 49. Had absolutely no luck on elite singles. Was looking for 45-55 aged men. None in that age range were interested. I was continually messaged by much older men... 68 was the norm 😕 I gave up...

VenusInFauxFurs Mon 14-Mar-16 19:55:11

Are you contacting people, OP? Or just waiting for them to contact you?

Try finding people in the right age range whose profiles you like and send a friendly message.

coalfire Mon 14-Mar-16 20:45:04

Hello, Venus, I am contacting people. And not just liking, writing little messages with polite questions that show I've read the profile (which I have done). Sometimes I like men, and they simply don't respond. Even when I write they often don't respond. IT seems awfully rude to me. I always respond. It seems bad manners not too. I don't want to stoop to this dismissive level.

Re: Just a boy. Sounds awful. ( Though 1) I have not lied about my age 2) the pictures are recent 3) I have an excellent relationship with my children's father and 4) I don't need someone else's money, so I don't think it's that putting people off ). Both internet dates I've been on have been surprised that I haven't lied about my age or my appearance (one said he thought I'd be fatter, another seemed taken aback that I looked like the pictures).

Gabilan: exactly the same with me re age range and responses. I also only answer men if they have an age range that at least matches their own age. There was one man who seemed intelligent and interesting but I couldn't get past the fact that he refused to date any woman who was the same age as him (his own age range stopped five years short of his own). I asked him why and he said it was 'because I look young and I act young' and I thought 'we all think that, darling. we all think we're 28'.

Also, I saw a proper up to date picture of him (after googling) and I can guarantee he looked at least eight years older than me. Which he was.

clarrylove Mon 14-Mar-16 20:57:23

I Think the problem is that there is a real lack of good quality older men on these sites - far too many females for the males. My male friend has been absolutely inundated with messages. He found it totally overwhelming, too many to reply to and has now decided to just engage with one person at a time. Try not to take it personally coalfire.

JeanPadget Mon 14-Mar-16 21:08:53

Hello again Coalfire. I took exactly the approach that you outlined in the first paragraph of your most recent message, and got exactly the same lack of response. I particularly remember messaging a man who had posted a picture of himself at a place that I also love (don't want to give too much away). We clearly shared a very particular interest but he ignored me. Sometimes men would be happy to chat, but I had a rule that I would always ask to meet up by the third message; I don't want a pen pal. Well, then the excuses would come up...... confused

I'm professionally educated, have a responsible job, averagely attractive, own teeth etc and I'm not looking for someone to provide financial support. Yet men seem to want someone younger, preferably much younger so they still have pert breasts and a firm body. I don't especially want to be a mad cat lady, but OLD seemed full of ageist, sexist men 'looking for that special lady' (boak) so I gave up. I don't miss it prefer Mumsnet

OK, time for a lie down in a darkened room wink

BatshitCrazyWoman Mon 14-Mar-16 21:14:17

Like I said up thread, I've had totally the opposite experience. After reading lots of things on MN about how men want younger women and how no woman in her 50s would get any interest, I was totally prepared for that to happen, but it didn't confused

Have you shown your profile to any male friends, for their opinions?

Gabilan Mon 14-Mar-16 21:20:07

Yep. Got tired of the "I look/ act younger". Also, I'm physically fit and got fed up with the assumption men age better. We all age differently but if someone doesn't want to date someone their own age I do wonder about their insecurities in dealing with grown women.

oldlaundbooth Mon 14-Mar-16 21:23:37

Are these men completely flaming delusional or what?

'They want a woman between 20 and 40', even if they are fucking 70? 70?!

oldlaundbooth Mon 14-Mar-16 21:26:02

Seriously, are pert boobs and a good body that important to men? Like, seriously? WTF?

And these romeos who are coffin dodging will have the normal body of a 70 year old, I can tell you.

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