"wonderful" DH not so wonderful in 'real' life

[loopin2016]

I apologise if this post just seems packed full of resentment, I guess it is a little, but something has been really getting my goat for a few years and I just need to share it.

When I moved to DH's hometown, I was met by his very large group of male and female friends. I felt this huge pressure to prove I was good enough for him, he seemed to have this almost saint-like reputation in the group. One of them even told me that if I ever hurt him, expect everyone to hate me. Great.

2 years later, we were planning our wedding and everyone gushed to me at how 'lucky' I was to be marrying such a lovely man. Nobody ever commented that he was lucky to have me.

Then we fell pregnant and again, I was met with "he's going to make a great father you know" and again, nobody commented I'd make a good mother, or really even congratulated me. I never felt welcomed in his circle of friends and some of thw females even sought to exclude me from social gatherings shortly after we married. It got worse during my pregnancy to the the point I refused to socialise with a few of them anymore.

DH really is a lovely man, but I don't understand why he's so protected by everyone in his social group. I feel like cruella who took him away!

DS is now 2 years old and we rarely see the few people that made my pregnancy a misery, however we do still see the others. DH returned home after work last week stating that one of the ladies in the group had commented that DH should not be doing the grocery shop after he has been to work. That grocery shopping should be down to me when I'm at home. DH knows that DS is a nightmare to take to the supermarket but still came home to tell me this fact as though he had been asked to do something unreasonable on his way home from work (he gets to finish early on a Friday so why not?) I just feel that no matter what I do, I am never good enough for DH in the eyes of his/our friends.
.DH is lovely, but if they knew that I spend a lot of time tidying up after him, struggling to motivate him in general, I even had to speak to him about his personal hygiene last week after he didn't shower for 4 days! Its not the first time either...
And yet nobody ever comments on what a good job I do, what a good mum I am or how lucky he is to have me. It's like having an extra child at times and yet has an almost saint-like reputation among the people around us where we live. I feel like screaming at times...
what is this about? Why do people do this? I wish they could know, feel and understand just how frustrating DH can be and how their comments make me feel.

[nephrofox]

Reminds me of a Marian keys book.

Seriously though, you don't have to protect his image. You don't have to hang around with "his" friends if you don't like them. You don't even have to stay with him if you don't think he's good enough

[MeadowHay]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Have you spoke to your husband about how you have been feeling? I think it would be a good idea to sit him and down and have a calm heart-to-heart with him about how you feel (maybe omit the bit about the annoying things about him - everyone has crappy habits, I think maybe you're just dwelling on his so much because of the saintly reputation he has, iyswim).

Also, I know I'm a stranger on the internet, but try to be kind to yourself as well and try to forget about what other people may or may not say about you. Tbh it sounds like some of his lady friends are just jealous of you anyway! You must be a great lady to have some bitchy women jealous of you in the first place!

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, with all those bloody people thinking you should be grateful. Why doesn't he wash, ffs? Why didn't he go off with one of those women if all of them are so great?

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

They do it because your DH isn't wonderful. If he was then he would have put firm boundaries in place with them; he wouldn't have let them treat you like someone who won a prize and he wouldn't be using what they say to try to make you feel bad for asking him to pick up shopping.

Can you spend more time with your friends either in RL or by calling them? You need a support network of cheerleaders for you too. Don't waste your energy trying to convert your DH's friends - that energy would be better spent on people you like and who appreciate you.

[SongBird16]

But surely they're his friends so it stands to reason that they love him and think he's a great bloke.

I can see that it might get annoying for you sometimes, when you're excruciatingly aware of his annoying habits. But we all have those don't we? I think I'd feel quite pleased that my lovely - by your own admission - DH was so popular and had such loyal friends.

Do your own family and friends tell you you're great and that he's lucky to have you?

[gamerchick]

Personally I don't think that anyone has said anything to him, rather he just doesn't want to do it.

You need to be assertive and give less fucks about what people think. Start speaking up for yourself... It gets easier the more you do it.

[Teaandcakeat8]

This would annoy me too. Sounds like some of the bitchy girls are jealous but your husband should be supporting you and making you feel great and if he was, I doubt their comments would bother you so much.

Can you talk to your DH to get to the bottom of this? Tell him that you don't feel appreciated or supported for what you do.

Do you have a group of friends or family around? Can you spend some time with them? It's hard constantly trying to fit in and I think spending time around others that truly like you for YOU would help massively.

[turdfairynomore]

Been there! Done that! In fact my stbx mil should have given her son the first name "Poor" as that's how she always referred to him... "Poor Bob..he works so hard". Or " Poor Bob...he's so good with the children". Or "Poor Bob....he's always so thoughtful"!! He wasn't " poor"......he was financially abusive! He didn't work hard-his colleagues detested him almost as much as me! His children have cut all ties with him...unsurprising as he insists our DD "inherited" her "gayness" from my side of the family! And thoughtful????..only if he could be SEEN to be being thoughtful eg he'd put flowers on a v v distant uncle's grave then call to tell his mum\aunt\widow what he'd done!
Stand up! Speak up! Stay strong op! You know the truth!!

[RutDweller]

Does he act needy/weak/fragile around them maybe? So that they that think he's more of a "special snowflake" than he actually is? Just a thought

[loopin2016]

I do see my own friends but it's hard as I have moved away, also my close family live even further away, so I was almost banking on mixing with his friends when I moved here. I couldn't have been more wrong.

DH has distanced himself hugely from them because of this and has been supportive in a lot of ways. It took a long time for him to see it though and we did almost separate just before the wedding... I think it was the wake up call he needed.

I mentioned to DH this weekend about the way it still makes me feel at times post supermarket comment and I asked him if I could have done anything differently. He replied that I could have by not taking things so personally in the first place. It's upset me a little as he seems to have forgotten how so obviously cruel they were in the beginning. I wasnt really expecting that response.

[loopin2016]

He doesn't act weak or needy. He's just everyone's friend. He will give everyone his time; he doesn't have a lot of focus so will gladly listen to people for hours and he's very good at out-staying his welcome that sort of thing! He's almost like an old man who acts like he has a lot of time on his hands to chat away. He even gets away with it at work!

[ridemesideways]

So basically... Shut up you crazy woman. Aye, he's a gem OP!

[expatinscotland]

I'd find new friends. And start liberating myself from this person. She said doing the shop was unreasonable? I'd have answered him, 'Go and live with her then.' Yes, I'm serious. He's full of it.

As for not showering in 4 days . . . ewwww.

[AyeAmarok]

Next time they say how wonderful he is, can you retort "Jeez, you should try living with him, you'd soon change your opinion" or something?

Agree that he told you about the supermarket because he doesn't want to do it.

[lavenderhoney]

He is the one who should be taking it personally. He is getting the shopping just like other men and women and a friend stops him to point out what a prince he is and how you should be doing it. Why didn't he tell them to mind their own business?

He thinks you should be doing it and he is hoping you'll step up. I'd be considering stepping down. The other option is to let him look after his child and you pop out. Though I expect his friends would be horrified he was babysitting.

[lorelei9]

ugh to not showering for 4 days
I don't like the sound of this - he definitely told you about the supermarket thing to see if you would immediately take it on as your job!

that said, I've heard numerous people say they get cross because everyone thinks their partner is wonderful - people put their best face on outside the house so it's pretty common. Whether or not those others really think he's wonderful, I'm not sure.

[goddessofsmallthings]

one of the ladies in the group had commented that DH should not be doing the grocery shop after he has been to work

I entirely agree. He should come home after work, have a cup of tea, put the laundry on, and set off for the supermarket with ds in tow to give you a break, or take it on himself to order all you need online to be delivered at a time when he's around to put the shopping away.

All that gushing sounds to me as if they were intent on selling him to you, which isn't surprising if his hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.

I place a high value on loyalty, but I would be having words with my friends if it was used to exclude or disparage a dh or a dp.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Time to move to where your friends live a neutral location, I think.

These women are shit stirring bitches not friends of your marriage and the next time one of them pipes up, you need to speak up and remind them that he is lucky to have you too. He is in danger of believing his own hype and that is not good for you - don't ask him what you could have done differently, tell him they clearly don't know him as well as they think, and maybe they'd like to come round and remind him to get in the shower!

Actually, at the risk of being accused of controlling behaviour, if this was my husband I'd tell him to show some fucking loyalty and cut these people off. I eould tell my h that he could either be married to me or friends with them, but he couldn't have both. I have actually done this with a 'friend' of my dh, who didn't have a good word to say about me. Wisely he chose to stay with me, but if he hadn't I'd have dropped his sorry arse in a heartbeat!

Don't allow him to undervalue you, because honestly, a man you have to pull up on personal hygiene and who shows you no loyalty is no great catch.

[Lucyccfc]

I used to get this regarding my Ex-H. Everyone thought he was wonderful and the sun shone out of his backside. I was so lucky to have met him etc etc.

(Not for one minute saying this is your DH)

Mine was such a fraud. Scratch beneath the surface and he was/is just a child really. Useless around the house - had to teach him how to iron, cook and use a washer. Terrible with money and had a horrendous gambling habit. Would spend his last £10 at the bookies, rather than buy nappies. He was always flash with money and would spend a fortune on his 'hobby'. Turned out he was in loads of debt and constantly getting his DF to bail him out.

He had me fooled for a couple of years, until,it all started to unravel. His still has everyone else fooled. 'He's such a sound bloke', 'best you could ever meet', such a loyal friend'.

We get on well nowadays, but I now just smile when people make great comments about him, as I know different.

[NNalreadyinuse]

And if one of these women says this shit yo you directly, tell her to mind her own fucking business and to keep her sticky beak out of yours! Honestly, I am tamping on your behalf!

[MistressDeeCee]

Metaphorical "harem" and the usual accompanying flying monkeys. Be kind to yourself, ignore them, and tell your "fantastic" DH not to repeat to you at all what they've commented on about you/your relationship. You are not interested. Id like to bet in that friendship group there are either exes (be that ex gfriend or fling) or some who were strung along given the impression that after playing the "pick me" dance, he would pick them. But he didn't. These dynamics are pretty common Im sure there'd be internet articles about it somewhere. Even if the can't have him, or don't want him, they won't want YOU to be happy together. & if he's done any odd shit in the past (not suggesting he has tho), then they'll hold his secrets Its so weird. & if they're commenting on your relationship btw then its because they can. He is open to them talking about you to him

Men who keep troublesome, meddlesome people around them and discuss personal details of relationship with these people too, are a nightmare. & a nuisance. Loyalty isn't their forte they're just wind-up merchants. Don't join in the game but do get him to pull his socks up at home. Hopefully he won't switch to another disrespectful/annoying tactic to goad you with..because being with your partner and not washing for days IS disrespectful, extremely

[MistressMerryWeather]

DH returned home after work last week stating that one of the ladies in the group had commented that DH should not be doing the grocery shop after he has been to work. That grocery shopping should be down to me when I'm at home.

What would happen if you replied with something like 'Who gives a shit? She's a twat'?

Because that would be my response.

[winterbbq]

I understand how you feel, I went through this with my ex, however it was my own parents who sided with him. DM said 'he' had to put up with a lot from me to a friend, not realising I could hear. I can only guess by that she meant I had some amount of self respect, felt I deserved some small amount of effort from him at least, and stood up for myself when needed, rather than being the perfect little wifey. He did sweet FA for me, sat on his bum playing playstation while I worked full time, did 100% of housework, bills etc, and was the only one to put any kind of emotional energy into our relationship, but I was in the wrong? I never spoke up to say what was really going on so as to protect him, and avoid conflict with my parents, I guess that's just me, but if I had to do it again I would have spoken up. Easier said than done, I know, but you are not alone :)

[winterbbq]

as well as stealing money from me, how could I forget! My best advice would be to ignore those that don't have the full story, stay confident in yourself, and carry on knowing that you are the better person.

[ZenNudist]

Is moving an option?

If not Yy to branching out and getting new friends. It also seems like you don't have much confidence. If dh came home and said supermarket comment to me I'd have laughed in his face.

I was a bit stumped at first as yours is a really unusual problem. Part of it could be solved by laughing off their comments, or if that's not you then nod and smile and ignore. Also by remembering that the only way people can make you feel bad is if you let them. A bit of well timed sarcasm would be good but not if it's just going to sound pointed and bitchy.

I don't know your personality but tbh it sounds like you're just unpopular in this group, there's too much history, they've not taken to you, they've made no effort to like you, they've made you feel excluded, and your dh has let them. I think you just have to write them off as a bad bunch, find new people to spend time with.

I'd guess that all your obsessing and worrying about perceived slights and misunderstandings comes from a more deep seated issue with your dh. I think forget about his friends and focus on getting your own support network, plus dealing with some of your problems as a couple. It sounds like one if those issues where there's some fault on both sides. Be open minded to compromises that could resolve some of your issues (no I don't mean doing the shopping for him!! 😀)

It's not an easy one I can see.