When is too late to build a relationship with your father?

[dazedandconfused17]

My mother died when I was six of what was either an accidental or deliberate overdose. No one knows.

The aftermath was not good. My father dealt very badly with being left with just me. I don't think he was ready to be a single parent. I had nannies at first, but they used to leave because my dad was awful for just vanishing and leaving me with them - not for long, but up to 24 hours which the nannies (totally understandably) couldn't cope with. I went to live with an aunt for a while and then my grandparents, who were amazing, but my grandmother died when I was thirteen and my father and grandfather decided I should come home.

My father does love me, I think, but doesn't know how to show it. He tends to get very caught up in what he's doing and then overcompensates with presents or big gestures. He has always been a workaholic and control freak which sometimes makes him very hard to live with.

When I was at university he remarried which helped a bit - my stepmother is lovely and has got him to loosen up and he's a lot more hands on with my stepbrothers but I'd moved out by then.

Now I'm in my late thirties and live miles away. I do try and call but he doesn't really like to chat. We've gone on holiday but that is always a massive family holiday with lots of people around.

I wish we could have more of a relationship but I don't even know where to begin. Last time I raised the subject he got really offended and just started going on about the school I had gone to and the fact I had a pony. Which I had for six months before he sent me to live with my aunt. How do you say "I just want to be able to have a conversation?"

[custardmountains2]

I hardly ever saw my dad ( see him now about once a year). As a result I don't really understand men. Now I have got kids I understand what it's like to be a parent and it's not for everyone. I accept him how he is and I am at peace with that now.

[Gfplux]

Why not talk to your step Mum. She could be a great ally.

[dazedandconfused17]

My stepmum is lovely but fiercely loyal to my dad and tends to minimize his faults - like my aunt and I were telling the great family story of the time dad went to New York on a business trip and forget to tell my nanny he wouldn't be back that night, and she got really defensive and was obviously uncomfortable with the story. I think she'd like us all to be close but is very edgy about the reasons we aren't. But I think you're right. She'd be a good first step.

And maybe he is selfish. I think that's what I'm trying to figure out.