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edited: what do I do about this crap?

(56 Posts)
Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:45:39

Apologies if you already ploughed through the last post I made, I posted this as a comment in a random thread and when I realised, cut and pasted it here - what I didn't realise was I also pasted the rest of the thread too 🙈
1st timer so forgive the lack of knowledge and etiquette.

Problem is this. I am self employed work ft and earn excellent money, husband stays at home. We have 2 daughters 20 & 13 yo. He does school run and cooks dinner, but that's about it, the rest of the day he just watches tv. If I'm home he stays in bed for a lie in (!) and I do the school run (which I quite like actually) and everything else. We have cleaners once a week to do a big clean and me and the girls keep on top of it other than that. So you get the picture he's basically a lazy bast@rd. He's miserable and mean. The bit I wanted advice about is this, I pay all the bills, everything. He has some income from a property he owns so I don't physically give him any cash but he does not contribute financially at all. He agreed that I could have £500 a month for myself (from my own income!!) but this is eaten up quickly each month as I give the kids money, buy food at weekends and work in the city so stuff just costs more. I don't know why I am trying to justify this. I have a limited company which I invoice my clients from and the money gets paid into, and when I pay myself each month it goes into our joint account (which I am not allowed to use without being told off) and I withdraw £500 into my personal account. The business acct is in both of our names (foolish on reflection) so when I run out of cash I sometimes take funds (as 'director drawings' if you know the legalities of this stuff). I never told him I did this before. Anyway he's gone ballistic today because he asked how much money was in the business account and I told him and he said that seemed a bit low, so I told him I'd been taking extra sometimes (I've checked and it's on average about an extra £300 a month). He blew his top and has shouted at me calling me a liar and a thief and saying I am stealing from the family. I argued this was all my money anyway and that made him worse. Complicated by the fact that we own a house that my parents rent from us but is in his name (to be tax efficient - another error) he is now threatening to sell the house to "get back the money I have stolen". Tbh our marriage is shit and I'm really unhappy I put up with loads of crap because it's easy. I'm out of the house a lot working so don't have to deal with it. But this latest issue has just shaken me into reality - wtf am I doing with this loser. I don't know what I want people to say really, I just want to know what you all think. And perhaps a kick up the Arse for being such an idiot. I can't talk to anyone because people don't see this side of me, I'm living a double life and it's bloody miserable. Thanks for any comments.

LineyReborn Sun 13-Mar-16 18:50:48

Who would your daughters want to live with if you separated?

flamingnoravera Sun 13-Mar-16 18:52:59

You know already what you will hear us say. This man is a cocklodger who is controlling you via money.

You do not have to stay with someone who contributes nothing and tries to control you and accuses you of stealing.

This is the time for rebirth and new starts. You can take control back.

LineyReborn Sun 13-Mar-16 18:54:57

And if you can take your daughters out of this mess with you, even better.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:59:26

I'm gobsmacked that he thinks he can treat you this way!

Tbh I would not and could not put up with someone treating me like that.

In your shoes I would book an appointment with a solicitor ASAP to see where you stand legally.

Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 19:02:55

Yeah thought so. I don't know just a bit of me wondered if I had done something out of order! I am honestly not this stupid. The girls do love their dad but they see what he does. He won't leave and is quite intimidating so I guess I'm going to have to man up a bit.

Marchate Sun 13-Mar-16 19:03:01

Legal advice, then get rid

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 19:06:01

You need a shit hot lawyer and you need one fast!

Ask friends/family/colleagues for recommendations - to spare your blushes you can say you're enquiring on behalf of a friend - or post on the Legal board. Make appointments with two or three solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law so that you can assess which one most suits you.

Is your cocklodging h named as a director, or in any other capacity, of your limited company?

Fwiw any property he owns, i.e. property that is solely in his name, may form part of your joint marital assets and you may be able to negotitate a deal whereby you relinquish any right to a share of the equity in return for him signing the property you co-own which is rented to your dps over to you together with taking his name off the property you live in if that is also in your joint names.

Take heart. Where there's a will there's a way and there is most certainly a way to get his sponging idle arse out of your home out of your life.

Morasssassafras Sun 13-Mar-16 19:07:06

Make an appointment with a solicitor. Doesn't matter how or why you got where you are what matters is getting out now you realise.

It shouldn't matter whose name the house is in as if you're married it should all be joint property.

Gfplux Sun 13-Mar-16 19:09:09

You only have to read your own words to know what you have to do.
Sort out the practicalities. You should see a lawyer to understand the financial implications of your "tax efficiency" and business joint account (he might have a claim on your business!
Plan your actions.
Good luck

Morasssassafras Sun 13-Mar-16 19:09:16

I've just read your comment about him being intimidating so suggest you look for a good local solicitor who is used to dealing with abusive partners. Try your local domestic abuse centre as they should be able to provide you with a name.

LineyReborn Sun 13-Mar-16 19:13:42

And if your younger DD will live with you, he's got no grounds for claiming spousal maintenance or child support etc. You and your Stbxh will need to each have a roof over your heads, but you'll get the lion's share for you and your minor daughter, and you can probably get shot of him with a 'full and final settlement' deal of one property going to him, and then you keep your career and business, and your current home.

He can get a job.

You can start to live your life again.

Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 19:16:16

Thanks all. Solicitor appointment first stop I reckon.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Sun 13-Mar-16 19:17:14

Wow! Time to get a lawyer and extricate yourself from this knob.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 19:17:51

He won't leave and is quite intimidating

The only way to deal with controlling twunts like your h is to stand up to them and smash the chains they've tried to imprison you with.

Your dds shouldn't be living with his toxic presence poisoning their young lives, and nor should you.

Next time he goes 'ballistic' and you feel intimidated by him in your own home, call the police and ask them to remove him. This will give you cause to apply for non-molestation and occupation orders which will keep him away.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 19:27:32

A man who is financially controlling is unlikely to confine himself to that one area of abuse and it occurs to me that you may benefit from making contact with your nearest Women's Aid sevice who, if nothing else, can recommend solicitors in your area who are experienced in domestic abuse: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You may also benefit from reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 13-Mar-16 19:45:31

Is the income that he has from your parents' rent or are there two other properties?

Can you start to have the business income paid into another account in your sole name, client by client?

What status does he have in the business?

You need to see a solicitor. See someone about ten years qualified. Pay for the meeting and ask for an hour and a half. Take with you a schedule of all assets the you both have, and your most recent accounts if available.

Read online about the divorce process, no point paying to be told stuff you can find out for free. Advicenow is one of the better websites.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 13-Mar-16 19:46:45

Don't go to a lawyer recommended by women's aid, get one used to dealing with finances of some significance.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 13-Mar-16 19:49:32

Also, make a list of monthly outgoings so the solicitor can see what current costs are.

Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 19:57:17

Thanks again all. There's so much here I wouldn't have thought about. There are 4 properties involved, just one in his name.

Goddessofallsmallthings you are right, he is a control freak. I think because I'm pretty laid back I take a lot in my stride. I posted here because I didn't recognise myself in any of the usual scenarios, and felt that most people in this situation were a lot worse off than me. I felt like I had massive first world problems if I'm honest. The girls have both said they don't know why I put up with it, so I guess I've neglected to think about them in this. I'm really glad I signed up tonight, you lot are bloody amazing 🙌

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 19:58:49

It's horses for courses, Prof. The OP may have urgent need of a solciitor who is experienced in abuse cases in order to obtain injunctions that can keep her controlling spouse out of the marital home, but this doesn't mean she would have to employ the same solicitor to advise on the division of assets in the event of divorce proceedings.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 13-Mar-16 20:05:01

Injunctions aren't available for people whose spouses are grumpy and query their spending, and one is unlikely to be relevant or cost effective here.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 20:07:42

I felt like I had massive first world problems if I'm honest

That's how I usually regard any problems I may have, but in your case these 'first world' problems have the potential to adversely affect your dds' future relationships and you need to become proactive in order to remove the source of all evil from your home.

Just think how much more laid back you'll be able to be when he's gone... absolutely nothing will phase you. grin

ImperialBlether Sun 13-Mar-16 20:09:46

I've said this before on these threads, but it's worth saying again!

You know that feeling you get when you go on holiday? You put your bare feet on the sand and suddenly you just relax. It's only then that you realise how much you needed that. That's exactly what you'll feel like when you separate from him. A feeling of utter bliss and freedom.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 13-Mar-16 20:09:50

A man who goes 'ballistic' is an entirely different proposition from one who is 'grumpy' and queries their spouse's spending, Prof, but in the interests of not derailing the OP's thread, I'm sure we can agree to differ.

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