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What do I do about this crap?

(4 Posts)
Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:36:09

Talk Relationships
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do you think women and men deal with breakups differently?18
Today 10:31 moonstruckk

Someone told me yesterday that she believed that women get hit harder by a breakup at first and then after a month or so they start to feel better and stronger and ready to move on, whereas men in the first few weeks are all bravado and "get on with it" and then after a month or so tend to start missing their ex more.

Do you think this is true?

Today 10:37 DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings

In my experience that's 100% right. After a few weeks my exes have all tried to get back together with me and by that time I'm over it but obviously I haven't dated enough people for that to be scientific fact grin

Today 13:29 Fratelli

Hmm I don't know. Almost all of my ex boyfriends have tried to get back with me. A few of my ex girlfriends have, a few I am friends with now. But I tend to emotionally close down during a break up and just put it out of my mind. That's only not happened with one ex who was emotionally abusive.

Today 13:35 Easyasabc123

Everyone is different. Depends how long you have been with someone, what your plans were with them, whether you were married and have kids etc. A month is nothing to some. You read threads on here where people are not over it 2 years later. I think women can suffer more heartache in general.

Today 13:36 Chocolatteaddict1

Yep I'd say that's true IME (mostly)

Today 13:44 Heatherjayne1972

Well it's been a year since the ex left and he's still angry abusive bitter and nasty and he's never tried to get back with me nor I him either so I think we're all different and deal with things in our own way

Today 13:50 cruusshed

I have just read on another thread that women mourn the dead of a marriage before the break up and men afterwards. That would fit with the above statement and is reflective of my situation where DH was in denial - really didn't think it would end....and then bounced off happily enough into his shiny new single life before imploding 8 weeks later.

Today 13:55 VoyageOfDad

Something like this ?

Today 13:58 DontCareHowIWantItNow

I think it very much depends on the reasons for the break up.

Today 14:40 moonstruckk

Presuming I suppose that no one has done anything really bad to cause the breakup and you both still liked each other at th point of splitting / still feelings there.

Yes well what my friend said was that women immediately grieve and feel awful, cry and get it out and then begin to feel the sunshine again and perhaps start lookign to meet someone new and generally at that exact point when they are ready to move on is when the man wants her back.

She said that they might immediately be a bit relieved over the breakup if there's been a disagreement and thy might think the single life is veyr appealing and then after a month or more they start to realise the grass wasn't perhaps greener as they had thought and the feelings of really missing their ex sink in.

Today 14:51 Sweetandsour93

I have found this to be the case, just today my ex has tried to get in touch with me yet again. He treated me badly, I was hurt a lot by the breakup and spent many nights crying and feeling sorry for myself but now I've moved past it. He clearly hasn't or he's feeling lonely etc and trying his luck!

Today 17:34 hurtandconfued2016

Yes I have to agree my ex was in a new relationship 3 days after he left me (32 weeks pregnant ) me however 8 weeks on still grieving breaking my heart everyday I hope soon I start to see the light

Today 17:51 Cabrinha

I don't think an ex running back after a month is proof that men feel the breakup later.
More likely, it's because they aren't feeling it any more (emotionally) at a month than they did at the start - but have realised that another girlfriend (or possibly shag) isn't that easy to find.

Today 17:56 Savagebeauty

Totally depends on the reasons for breakup.
I didn't want to be married to him anymore. 18 months on I still get emotional texts from him. I have never once regretted my decision.
I totally emotionally detached from him.

Today 18:01 Trills

Wouldn't it depend on the individuals involved, as well as the circumstances of the breakup?

Women and men are encouraged (or permitted) to behave in different ways in public.

It is a shame that men are expected to put on the "bravado" face and not talk to anyone about their feelings.

This can be mistaken by not-very-thoughtful people as men not having the feelings at all.

It would be very naive to assume that all women or all men think and feel and behave in the same way.

Today 18:03 Trills

Your friend seems very keen to generalise. I suspect that if you were to have a breakup and not behave in the way she thought was "correct" for a woman, she would not be a very helpful person to have around.

Today 18:05 meditrina

I think it varies between individuals depending on their character.

I don't think stereotyping by sex helps on this one (or on much tbh).

Today 18:28 Chicago73

1st timer so forgive the lack of knowledge about etiquette.

Problem is this. I am self employed work ft and earn excellent money, husband stays at home. We have 2 daughters 20 & 13 yo. He does school run and cooks dinner, but that's about it, the rest of the day he just watches tv. If I'm home he stays in bed for a lie in (!) and I do the school run (which I quite like actually) and everything else. We have cleaners once a week to do a big clean and me and the girls keep on top of it other than that. So you get the picture he's basically a lazy bast@rd. He's miserable and mean. The bit I wanted advice about is this, I pay all the bills, everything. He has some income from a property he owns so I don't physically give him any cash but he does not contribute financially at all. He agreed that I could have £500 a month for myself (from my own income!!) but this is eaten up quickly each month as I give the kids money, buy food at weekends and work in the city so stuff just costs more. I don't know why I am trying to justify this. I have a limited company which I invoice my clients from and the money gets paid into, and when I pay myself each month it goes into our joint account (which I am not allowed to use without being told off) and I withdraw £500 into my personal account. The business acct is in both of our names (foolish on reflection) so when I run out of cash I sometimes take funds (as 'director drawings' if you know the legalities of this stuff). I never told him I did this before. Anyway he's gone ballistic today because he asked how much money was in the business account and I told him and he said that seemed a bit low, so I told him I'd been taking extra sometimes (I've checked and it's on average about an extra £300 a month). He blew his top and has shouted at me calling me a liar and a thief and saying I am stealing from the family. I argued this was all my money anyway and that made him worse. Complicated by the fact that we own a house that my parents rent from us but is in his name (to be tax efficient - another error) he is now threatening to sell the house to "get back the money I have stolen". Tbh our marriage is shit and I'm really unhappy I put up with loads of crap because it's easy. I'm out of the house a lot working so don't have to deal with it. But this latest issue has just shaken me into reality - wtf am I doing with this loser. I don't know what I want people to say really, I just want to know what you all think. And perhaps a kick up the Arse for being such an idiot. I can't talk to anyone because people don't see this side of me, I'm living a double life and it's bloody miserable. Thanks for any comments.

anyoldname76 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:39:56

kick him out and spend what you can afford, hes the biggest drain on you

Lweji Sun 13-Mar-16 18:52:29

I'd be getting proper legal advice.

Sadly, you may end up losing financially, but it might well be worth in the end.
The good news is that as you are married, all assets should be divided, including whatever is in his name, particularly if bought during the marriage.

The tricky bit will be that he will probably claim loss of income due to being a SAHD, and possibly push for custody just to get the benefits and maintenance that go with it.
So, before splitting up, I'd carefully gather evidence that he could be working, does nothing much at home and why the children would be better off with you.

Again, get specialist legal advice. Preferably from the best shit hot lawyer that you can find. Even if you have to pay for a couple of hours first session, they will be well worth it.

Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 21:55:26

Thanks for this advice. My next step is to see a solicitor. And not a moment too soon. X

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