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Friendship issue - please advise(10 Posts)
I have known a 'friend' for almost three years. We met when my DS was a newborn and she was heavily pregnant with her DD. Initially, we met up about once a fortnight, just the two of us and the children. At first she seemed ok.
About three months into the friendship, she started to make me feel uncomfortable. She would always ask for favours (for lifts to places, to borrow money, would drop hints about her DD needing new clothes etc.). I'm a bit of a people pleaser and a pushover, so I did agree to help her out the first few times. I then started to distance myself from her, as I was getting annoyed by her behaviour, but I'm not one for confrontation so I never actually addressed it. I did however, start to say no to her. She never once said thank you to me either, if that's relevant.
We kept in touch, but not as much. Whenever we did meet, her behaviour was even odder (telling blatant lies, very argumentative about nothing, not very nice to her daughter).
There's an awful lot more to the story, but I'd be here all night if I wrote it all. I don't want to be friends with this woman, but I don't know how to phase her out. I don't particularly like her, but I don't want to upset her either. She keeps messaging me on Facebook asking for favours and when I say I've already got plans etc. she says 'we should meet up soon, when are you free'.
So really I'm just wondering how you would deal with somebody like this. And please don't tell me I'm being unkind, because I already feel bad, but I'm at the end of my tether with her.
I would honestly block her on Facebook, and block her number on my phone. I wouldn't say why. You've tried to let her down gently by backing off, being unavailable. Blocking is the next step.
You are definitely not being unkind.
I think your three choices are to be honest and tell her why you don't want to see her, carry on as you currently are by making excuses, or do as PP suggests and completely ignore, including blocking if the ignoring is too difficult to do otherwise.
I can tell that you find it hard to do any of these but if you don't you'll never get rid of her. I'm a bit of a wimp too so would probably go with option 2 though I think that option 1 is probably the most grown up thing to do and option 3 would achieve the desired result with the least effort.
I'd go for 3.
Yy it's not very grown up but at the same time she is just a USER and is not worth your breath or effort to go through the whole rigmarole of confronting. Which anyway toy don't have the courage for so it would be torture for you. She isn't worth it!
Stop replying to her texts etc. Or, if you like, reply to one in 3, then one in 5, one in 10. Then none.
I've always been of the 'be decent' brigade but some people take the absolute piss and she's one of them. Why exactly should it be your job to prop her up financially? She didn't even thank you for it!
Get rid and don't waste any every on getting rid.
Fwiw I'm going through the exact -same thing at the mo. I'm not her dad /boyfriend/mum/taxi-driver/benefactor/bank. I don't OWE her anything at all. She got my kindness and she pissed on it. Ta-ta!
Thank you for your replies! I am so glad that it isn't just me being selfish.
I have cut people out in the past by just ignoring them but I think the main reason I find it difficult to cut contact is because I do worry about her daughter.
I have reported her to our HV in the past, and I have considered reporting to social services as she shuts her DD in her bedroom and holds the door whilst she is clearly very distressed. I asked her why she does this/how often/how long for. She seemed to think it was an acceptable consequence for something minor (like DD not wanting lunch/having a tantrum as all toddlers do). She said she will shut her in there until she is quiet, which can be up to an hour apparently.
I won't go into more detail re her DD in case it's identifiable, but she often tells her to 'shut her trap' when we go out anywhere.
I think I definitely do need to stop seeing her, but should I report her to SS for support with her parenting? I think she genuinely doesn't see a problem with what she does given that she did it in front of me/in public. (I am not suggesting that her DD should be removed, but she definitely needs support).
Sorry if it comes across as a drip feed, but I'm on my phone and didn't want to write out the whole story if it was just me being unreasonable. Having written it all down it sounds a lot worse than I realised
Start asking her for favors/ money/ to return the money she owes you. I doubt you'll see her for dust.
You've told the HV. Tell the HV again.
I see what you mean. Tbh I'd keep in contact to keep an eye out for her daughter.
That said, I had a friend who was in a relationship with a vile man who not only vile to my friend (who was blind to it!) but was vile to her little kids. I agonised about this. Met some of her other friends who were all worried about the kids and assured me they'd stick around. So I confronted my friend about her vile boyfriend and was dismissed from the friendship forthwith. But I knew other people were around to keep an eye out for the kids.
Long -winded way of saying dump her if there are other people involved who recognise her parenting is off.
Mind you, these days i'd go straight to the relevant authorities eg GP, HV, SS.
Thanks springydaffs. There are other people involved (DDs dad and his family) but I don't know if they are aware of her behaviour/think it's an ok way to treat a child.
I don't have to make a decision today or anything, so I'll have a think about it before I do anything. Thanks so much for your help.
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