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Should I be wary

(22 Posts)
kateshair Sat 12-Mar-16 18:57:44

I've been seeing a man since last August. All has been great, we get on fine. I'm starting to think we may have a future.
There are two things that I'm concerned about.
First thing is we have never actually had a proper conversation about where we are going, and how we feel really about each other. This hasn't been a worry until recently as I feel we have had sufficient time to gauge how we feel. I know I should just have the conversation.
Second thing is and I know I will get flamed for snooping but I found a bit of paper on his table and I know I shouldn't have nosed but I did.. This piece of paper had a list of questions he'd written to ask someone ... We meet doing on line dating and this looked as if he had emailed a woman he liked and this was his list/topics to talk about...
This could have been written months back before we met.. But my senses are tingling a bit.
I can hardly ask his about this but what do you think I should do ?

MadeMan Sat 12-Mar-16 19:04:23

Probably an old bit of paper if it was blatantly on his table; I'm always finding old pieces of paper in drawers with notes written on from ages ago.

Seems from your post that you want to talk to him about your relationship, so you could just do that really and see what he thinks too.

whimsical1975 Sat 12-Mar-16 19:04:34

I have no idea how online dating sites work but is there a way you can check to see if he's still active on any of the dating sites he was using when he met you??

I think you should just sit down and ask him where he sees this relationship going, his reaction may give you a better understanding of where he wants to take things.

Hissy Sun 13-Mar-16 08:46:17

Sounds like it's time to have a sit down.

Joysmum Sun 13-Mar-16 09:28:43

Have you had the exclusivity talk yet?

Cabrinha Sun 13-Mar-16 09:53:19

Kateshair why are you lying about the length of this relationship?

You met him in October.
By mid November you were saying that you still hadn't had an exclusivity conversation with him, though you'd slept with him.
By mid December he was back 'active' on OLD.

These are not senses tingling, it's interpretation of fact. You know that he hasn't asked you to be exclusive. You know he has stayed online.

You said before you'd have the exclusivity conversation after some wine. If you need alcohol to broach that conversation, then you're with the wrong person. If a relationship is feeling good, you know that when you mention exclusivity, they will grin from ear to ear that you want to give them that. Exclusivity is not a demand you out on someone, it's a gift you give each other.

If you only want a relationship that is going somewhere, then always have exclusivity at least from the second time you have sex. I don't expect a man to commit to me forever after a few months, I do expect him to commit to not looking elsewhere if we're sleeping together. Or, frankly - if we've had 9 dates as you had when you were still saying you'd ask him... 9 dates is enough for me to expect someone to know if they like me enough to 'see where it goes'.

If you've been seeing him since October (not August hmm) then that's long enough for him to know if he sees this as potentially long term.

You were snooping for a reason: you know he's online still, you want to be exclusive but you're too scared to ask him because you know already he doesn't want that.

Cut your losses and move on. When you are with the right person, you don't have to manufacture conversations about "where is this going" - it's all there, in normal conversations.

Cabrinha Sun 13-Mar-16 10:40:54

MadeMan I doubt it was just 'on the table' - it will have been buried amongst other things. I'd dump someone for going through my papers.

If I saw it out openly at my (OLD provenance) boyfriend's house, I'd just call out "oooooh, is this your old OLD list? Come on - do me, do me!" and we'd have a giggle answering them and I might take the piss a bit if they were dodgy, and he might tell me more about try dates he used them on...

Because when a relationship is good these things aren't a dilemma, and you know where you're going without having to have a dedicated sit down and /or alcohol supported conversation.

In case I sound smug as fuck - it's only because I've done my share of handing around for crumbs from dates who were just not that into me! So I'm currently enjoying the contrast 😏

kateshair Sun 13-Mar-16 12:36:30

Wow Cabrin a .. I was feeling a little more positive but now I'm not so sure.. We did he an exclusivity chat back in Dec and he was 100 percent agreeable..
I think that half the problem is that he is very quiet in himself, I am too but not quite as quiet as him. He has also been in a 20 year relationship that ended in early 2014.
I've had two shorter term relationships. I've also been single for a bit longer that him.
I've had a nightmare with on line dating in that I had two short relationships that just went cold on me, dissapeared literally. So I'm really holding myself back as I'm worried about being hurt/rejected.
I'm def not a clingy type.
I think the best thing I can do is too pull back a bit. Leave it too him to make some plans with me. If he doesn't then I have my answer confused

kateshair Sun 13-Mar-16 12:46:51

But yes I agree with you in the sense that it should just flow, I shouldn't be second guessing at this stage. I instigated the exclusivity conversation, I've not met his kids yet, nor has he met mine. Yet again it was me who had to bring this up first .. He said we would discuss it, we haven't ! I think I have my answer

Cabrinha Sun 13-Mar-16 16:42:42

So what did he say last Dec about him being back online?

BoyGirlBoy3 Sun 13-Mar-16 16:46:22

I found a bit of paper recently, and it was the workings out of the really rude anagrams from 8 out of 10 cats does countdown, proper freaked me out, i thought who has written all these rude words!! What I am saying is don't read anything into the paper, papers get shuffled.

What do you want from a future together?

kateshair Sun 13-Mar-16 20:11:47

I didn't ask him re being on line.
I should have I know I know..
I looked very recently and his profile isn't up there any more.. Though I know that proves nothing. Point is we did have the exclusive chat and he was 100 percent yes, yes we are..
What I want is to be totally confident that he feels something real for me, that he wants to move out relationship forward. I want to hear the I love you words. I haven't so that is most probably that confusedblush

Cabrinha Sun 13-Mar-16 21:00:58

Right, so you just sucked it up that he was still online.
You've only been seeing him since mid Oct, 5 months, early for an "I love you" when he hasn't even been in an exclusive relationship since any earlier than mid Dec.

So why were you snooping through his paperwork? That's really out of order.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Mar-16 21:04:14


Sees cabrinha is on it like a car bonnet


MadeMan Sun 13-Mar-16 21:15:04

It is obvious to my trained eye that there is much more going on in the original post than meets the ear.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Mar-16 21:16:32

There usually is, MM

To my experienced jaded eye

kateshair Sun 13-Mar-16 22:08:16

blimey ! I wasn't snooping through his paperwork. It was laid out for me to see.. Yep I shouldn't have looked but I did.
I don't think it's too early at all for an I love you, that's if he did. He clearly doesn't though. Now that is something I will have to suck up.
Bottom line is I had/have concerns as to where this was going.
I've pulled back. I'm not sitting here sobbing my heart out actually I'm calm and collected. If he wants to keep seeing me he will have to express what he is feeling.
What will be will be :-)

Cabrinha Mon 14-Mar-16 07:37:25

You said you were snooping hmm mind you, also said you'd been seeing him longer than you have.

You said in you OP that you had two issues:
1. That you don't know where it's going
2. That you'd 'found' confused a list of OLD questions

Why are you so passive about this? All the "what will be will be" stuff? A relaxed attitude that you clearly don't actually have. Why don't you talk to him?

Why say you'll be flamed for snooping then say you weren't snooping? If it was just lying around, why not just ask?

And no, it's not too early to say I love you if you feel it. But he's only given up checking OLD for 3 months. It's early days. It doesn't bode well for a successful relationship that you can't just talk to him.

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone Mon 14-Mar-16 14:18:14

Cabrinha I'm confused, are you referring to one of his/her previous threads?

Cabrinha Mon 14-Mar-16 14:39:13

Yes, I know the OPs name as I've responded to her before.

I think it's more helpful for her to be accurate.
If she'd been his gf since August I'd probably say - yeah, he should know what he wants by now.
But if they've only been exclusive since mid Dec, then I'm less inclined to post that he should declaring love by now!

Cabrinha Mon 14-Mar-16 14:40:58

I think it also helps to explain why the OP is reading his paperwork and getting worried - because he was still active online dating when they'd been seeing each other for 2 months.

As I said upthread, if I found what she found, I wouldn't worry at all - just ask my (OLD) boyfriend what it was.

category12 Mon 14-Mar-16 15:28:35

I think it's bizarre to find a list like that on the table if it hasn't been used recently, unless he's a poor housekeeper.

I also think if you're too scared to talk about the relationship, it's probably because you suspect you won't get the answer you want, or don't trust his answers. Either way doesn't say much for it.

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