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Would it make it any easier?

(27 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Sat 12-Mar-16 15:25:23

There is a point to this thread...bare with me!

Been having a rough week this week since splitting with exP. Mostly I force myself to feel better/distract myself but for some reason this week it has all overwhelmed me again and I can't pick myself back up!!

I know this is probably perfectly normal (I'm also pregnant so some days I'm worse than others!)

So the reason he says he didn't want to be together any longer was that he didn't love me anymore, just respected me as the Mother of our daughter and that things only carried on so long because of her.

He is with a new partner and he said this afterwards, when I asked for some closure as I couldn't understand how he could move on when I was carrying his child?

Lots of people have said to me now that the "not in love" words were a convenient "script" and that it only came out after his new fling to put the blame on me, let him feel less guilty, justify it etc etc.

Irrelevant of his reasons for only telling me now, I can't help but go over it in my head and he felt so bad about us, why did he not have the courage to say beforehand?

So as a broader post and from things I pick up now I'm slowly turning into a mumsnet addict, would things not be a lot easier, if we really did just talk?

If he had been honest, whilst it would still have hurt, surely it would have avoided me being pregnant and alone, other bad choices and severe heartache etc surely?

I'm not trying to say this is men at fault for not talking by the way!

The stupid things like us not seeing friends etc (whilst he never seemed to get that wasn't always easy with a toddler!) why could he have not said it was an issue for him prior to us breaking up?! At least then we could've made a conscious effort and I could have maybe aired any troubles that bothered me but he only said this after the seperation?!

He wasn't perfect, neither was I but he has come out with reasons I knew nothing about and I don't particularly think that I was blind to it, he just didn't say how he was feeling?!

I wouldn't take him back after what he has put us through now, not entirely sure of my reason for posting but I guess I still feel VERY hurt and almost cheated out of my own relationship because I wasn't really given an opportunity to work on anything? He just decided that was that.

I think my thread had a point of why not just talk about how we feel? Would it have been better or worse? But I think I've turned it into a "What if" and I just needed to vent, sorry.

I'm just so frustrated that I have lost my little family unit when he just seems to be happy and moving on without a backwards glance. I never actually thought we'd split, especially not with a child on the way? Losing the will some days and wish my head and heart would stfu! =(

springydaffs Sat 12-Mar-16 23:08:25

Why not just talk about how you both feel? Bcs he will lie and lie and lie. You will hear an endless list of your 'faults' - made up faults with just enough of a smidgeon of truth to make them look genuine. He will lie and lie and lie bcs he has to rewrite history so he doesn't have to face what a complete shit he was to leave his pregnant partner bcs he wanted to go off with another woman. That's the beginning and end of it.

I agree it would be great to honestly and maturely talk through the end of a relationship - except there is no way he will be honest and mature. He hasn't been so far. If you talk through it with him now he will rain on your head a litany of deal-breaking 'faults' on your part. And who doesn't have faults. Just that you can't trust he's telling the truth bcs, well, he won't. Bcs then he'd have to face what a shit he is and what a shitty thing he's done.

Spare yourself, lovely. If you want to work it through with someone then book some counselling for yourself - just not with him whatever you do

I'm so sorry he's been so awful. You didn't get the chance to address your relationship because he took it away from you flowers

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 09:09:46

Thank you, I know you're right. Of course you are, it's all just very rubbish right now. Harbouring a lot of resentment I suppose, as I imagined by this time we would be sorting out the rooms in the house ready for our new arrival and subsequently he doesn't even ask how she is.

I am surrounded by a mountain of paperwork, have had to deal with debts, I'm currently stuck between deciding whether to stay in the house I cannot afford (long story) or move, whilst 7 months pregnant, with a toddler whos already having to adjust to life with his new partner etc and all the while I just can't help but overthink why I am even in this stupid situation!!!

I think councelling is the way foreward - I tried to tell myself I wouldn't need it but it's been nearly 9 weeks now and I keep going over the same things so maybe it is time =(

TheStoic Sun 13-Mar-16 09:15:24

Unfortunately it only takes one person to decide a relationship is over. His reasons now are meaningless - there's nothing you could have done to address them. So sorry you're hurting. sad

springydaffs Sun 13-Mar-16 10:35:25

I don't agree Stoic. Of course it takes one to 'decide' to go off with someone else but it's possible to have a debrief - I know a few couples who have done this. Maturely. Which he won't do.

9 weeks and ds has met the ow?? That's too quick!

9 weeks is also early days for this, esp as you're pg.

I so feel for you flowers

RandomMess Sun 13-Mar-16 10:41:42

Honestly the new partner was on the scene before he left.

The reason why it's over is because the grass was greener - exciting new relationship versus the humdrum of family life with a toddler and a new baby on the way...

He will lie and lie and lie because he doesn't want to admit to the truth that the new partner is the easy option.

TheStoic Sun 13-Mar-16 10:46:17

but it's possible to have a debrief - I know a few couples who have done this. Maturely.

Oh yes, of course it's possible. Have done it myself.

But it seemed clear to me that the OP's partner had made his mind up and was already out the door. Especially with another women so....quickly on the scene. You need two for a debrief, and unfortunately he was not interested.

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 11:01:41

Agree springydaffs, it is too soon but he's not thinking about how this effects his daughters right now, otherwise I guess I wouldn't be here in the first place - I haven't kicked off about it because it will do no good and probably force the situation more anyway!

See what you're saying Stoic but this was part of my thread as to the "whys" of him not just telling me thats how he felt (if, as springy said it wasn't just lies)

You say he wasn't interested but surely if he was less interested in the relationship as a whole and actually wanted out we should have had a talk or something?!

Seems now like he took the cowardly approach to me but it just makes me so angry that a single piece of communication was all it needed. Regardless, I'd probably still be hurting all the same I expect but a bit differently to him admitting the love was lost to...oh actually I've found someone else and btw it's because I cba with you anymore...

I shouldn't be giving him this headspace but there are days when I can't just be all smiley, happy and nothings wrong all the time! =( Then I get angry for feeling weak - I go round in circles.

TheStoic Sun 13-Mar-16 11:23:13

See what you're saying Stoic but this was part of my thread as to the "whys" of him not just telling me thats how he felt (if, as springy said it wasn't just lies)

It is absolutely cowardly. It's very, very common, though. So often they say 'it's you', and list all your faults - when actually they've had their head turned and have no intention of 'working' on their current relationship. The LAST thing these men want is a difficult conversation.

If they do bring it up at the time, it's usually to give their partner notice to lift their game. And so often that partner DOES bend over backwards to fix the things they've been told are so wrong about themselves. :-(

So he saved you the 'pick me!' dance.

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 11:34:57

True. That thought in itself scares me I guess.

When I'm not being crazy and hormonal (if possible right now) I do understand that he was trying to shift the blame my way.

Had I have known in advance, I guess I would have lost myself trying to bend over backwards to make the relationship work for the sake of what I could lose - either option (stay together/break up) seems unfair when put like that and certainly not healthy.

Even though I know this, I still hate myself for hoping it is just a rebound phase, being desperate for it to end and that he will snap out of it and come back!

I remind myself over and over again I'm never taking him back but deep down, I think I want him to because then it will feel like I was the better option and it's too little, too late - sad I am putting so much pressure of happiness on this occuring!

I just want to sit and chill for a change but I can't because then he's all I think about but I'm fed up of also being on the go all the time to distract from it, it's draining. Sorry this has turned into a bit of an emotional offload.

TheStoic Sun 13-Mar-16 11:40:19

I want him to because then it will feel like I was the better option and it's too little, too late

Of course you do, that's human nature. So satisfying to have them realise they made a huge mistake, come crawling back, just so you can tell them to fuck off.

But it's not going to happen, and you know that. Just be kind to yourself. Feel whatever you feel, and don't berate yourself for it. The only thing that will help is time. flowers

springydaffs Sun 13-Mar-16 13:06:32

Feel whatever you feel. Yes, this. Big time.

Of course you're going to be thinking about him constantly - it's only been 9 weeks. And you're pg. Give yourself a break, lovely. He's done you over and that HURTS.

He is not a nice man. No good man would do this, esp in the way he's done it. Yes, ppl get their heads turned and want to jump ship all the time but a decent person would go about it respectfully if they want to leave, taking full responsibility for what they have done, mindful of the impact their choice has on the person /people (kids) they are leaving. Instead he is riding rough shod over you, blaming you, didn't give you the chance to make an informed choice, is forcing your dc to meet his new squeeze

Yuk. He's a total SHIT angry

This has NOTHING to do with you. ALL to do with him and his shit awful behaviour.

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 13-Mar-16 13:46:41

Agree with the PPs, what a horrible, cowardly, selfish prick of a man you had there.

Men that cheat on their pregnant partners are despicable.

So sorry you are going through this. Do you have family nearby or any good friends who can help you out with the kids? Don't let the finances side of things completely overwhelm you, there is support available for single parents so look into every avenue.

I'm time you will see him for the spineless little weasel he is, and be glad that you weren't stuck with him for another decade or two.

You have done nothing wrong. He is an awful person.

Don't be sad, be mad! And make the fucker pay for this.

(That sounded a bit Sopranos, I meant make sure you get CM).

springydaffs Sun 13-Mar-16 13:51:54

Do you know anyone in the mafia?

I wouldn't mind meeting him in a dark alley, frankly angry

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 16:03:52

The amount of violent bones suddenly being found in peoples bodies over this is surprising, you'd be joining a list springydaffs!

Not sure why I can't always share that anger with them, most of the time it's just confusion! I want to be angry and hate him for everything but I can't for some reason but I've always been like that

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 13-Mar-16 17:29:23

Clashofclanswidow be kind to yourself hunni! .
I'm now 8 weeks on from ex leaving and baby is 2 weeks old.
He hasn't met his daughter either!!
I am still missing him hoping that his new relationship with ow will fail and he will come back to me. I hate him for not talking to me about what he was feeling (I love you but not in love with you) and he only got me pregnant to make me think he loved me!
Me and the ex did have that chat but it turned out to be all a lie! Ow in relationship before I knew, he then also went on to blame me for everything and yet I still sit here and want him in my life!!
I have tried the whole be mad thing going to lawyers etc etc and he just agreed with all my terms bit still hadn't made contact about seeing his kids even though I text him! Sending you hugs xxx

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 17:38:29

It's rotten we're in this situation Hurt and I can't believe how common it is, urgh.

I hope you're looking after yourself too hun. I can't wait for the good days to be more so and the bad days a distant memory! We'll get through this bit by bit though =) xx

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 13-Mar-16 17:56:29

I know some men are twats!! Yeah I can't wait to get on with it! BTW when you have baby it will get worse!! I've now been sent for councilling as I having a new born toddler and that going on has destroyed me xx

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 18:27:25

Been following your threads hunny. Wish it was different for you, really do =( Hopefully the councelling will help xx

clashofclanswidow Sun 13-Mar-16 19:02:48

And he's just dropped his daughter off and it was obvious they were really happy.

The nicer person in me knows I should be happy about this, as that will radiate when he spends time with my daughter but it just really gets to me, as I think why was he so unwilling to do things with his own little girl when he was with me...a family?!

It's like he's done a complete 360 and obviously somehow, I was just facilitating his old behaviour?! It's such a shame and I'm gutted we aren't the ones doing those things together now, when he is clearly capable!

I can't tell if it's for show and it will wear off again when he gets complacent but right now it just rubs salt in the wound I guess.

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 13-Mar-16 19:27:32

You are a better person than I am my children will not be meeting the ow and time soon if even this year!
My ex was the same never took my son anywhere at all if he had to go to the shops or anything he would get someone to look after him and now he wonders why I don't want him having my son out on his own!

springydaffs Sun 13-Mar-16 21:29:37

I think so early in the process you're probably in shock. Ime of these immensely shocking things it can take at least a year for the shock to wear off. Watch out then!

Or you may be a Jane Bennett...

TheDetective Sun 13-Mar-16 21:54:48

Another one who was put in the same position. Toddler, pregnant, then he leaves (after I found out he cheated immediately prior to conceiving the baby).

I'm 16 months down the line now, baby is 9 months old.

I wanted him to come back. For a long time. But he totally abandoned me, he ran away, wouldn't see his child, barely acknowledged the baby.

He behaved appallingly throughout the whole thing.

8 months after he left, when the baby was 9 weeks old, he finally showed his face.

He spent 6 months begging me to take him back. Declaring his love, and all that bullshit.

But it was too late for me. The minute he left his pregnant wife, and let me go through pregnancy and birth alone, I couldn't go back.

So 6 weeks ago he got himself a girlfriend. Despite declaring everlasting love and 'I'm not giving up ever' just 2 weeks prior. I pulled him up on it, and all I got was 'I used to love you' and 'I thought I loved you, but I didnt, I just thought it was easier to come back as all my problems would go away then'.

What. A. Cunt.

I'm stronger than ever now. I started getting out, dating etc in January, when the baby was 7 months. He's still exclusively breastfed. You can do this. Stay strong. It does get a whole lot better.

TheDetective Sun 13-Mar-16 21:57:14

Oh, I should add that the girlfriend messaged me, saying he had dumped her because she told him she thought she was pregnant.

Leopards don't change their spots.

I'm so glad I don't have to live with a human capable of such despicable behaviours.

I should add, he still doesn't see his children. Despite declaring this undying love.

clashofclanswidow Mon 14-Mar-16 07:38:08

TheDetective - thank you for your post. It's the success (if you can call it that!) stories that remind me to stay strong and comforting to know people do get through it. It's all the uncertainty of the future that I struggle to deal with as well but it's early days still.

Well done on the dating again, hope you find your happiness! =) xx

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