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Please please tell me there's still HOPE. In my situation there still HOPE right? Very LONGGG post..

(9 Posts)
thestairs Sat 12-Mar-16 15:04:39

Hello, I'm sorry, LONGGG post ahead.. I know everyone time is precious, so please just skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare. And my apology for the not so good English grammars, English is my third language; (Chinese and Vietnamese is my native languages).
I don't expect anyone to read my long-winded post or reply to it. I'm sorry my post is sooo longgg.. But if you can help give me advice, I really appreciate it. Thank you very much.

My mother destroyed me. When I was a child; my mother abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally and physically. But I forgave her, forgave her for everything she did to me in my childhood. After all, she gave birth to me; without her I wouldn't be here in this world.
I left my mother house more than a decade ago. I did break free from my abusive mother. I thought I have left my abusive childhood behind me when I walk out the door that day.

I never had a good relationship with my mom, But she didn't hate me to the point that she would completely cut me off. At least she used to let me drive back to visit my dad, used to let me phone home and talk to my dad see how he doing. I do miss and love my father very much, (the father that never abuse me).
Dad is much older age than mom, and his health right now is not very good. I understand that it my mom that take care of my dad; due to his not good health, and his old age.

I don't care how my mother treats me; as long as she let me phone talk to my dad, and let me visit my dad to see how he doing.. I always feel that I'm a very unfilial daughter. If one day he passed away due to old age, I will forever regrets that I didn't see him often enough when he was still alive.

Started 5 years ago; things between me and my mom get more worst and worst, to the point of now she has disown me.
5 years ago, I met him---the guy who is now my husband.. After 4 years constantly test his love and patience, I agree to married him. We got married 13 months ago.
My mom disapproved him since day one, disapproved my marriage, insulted me and said alot of hurtful things.
My mom said I make her "Lose face", because I married my husband. Not only make her lose face to family, but also make her lose face to the Chinese/Vietnamese community. She feels embarrassed and shameful about me.

Here my mom live in close-knitted Chinese/Vietnamese community, there people have the old-fashioned traditional Chinese culture views on everything.
In the Chinese/Asian community; especially the old generation Chinese/Vietnamese, they judge me all the times because I married my husband.. My mom keeps said I make her "Lose Face". And I'm dirty, I'm a dirty girl. It hurts so much when she gave birth to me, but then call me dirty.
My mom give me alot of "Pressure", TREMENDOUS Pressure.

No, I'm not going to divorce my husband just so my mom can be happy, just so my mom would welcome me back with open arms. No.
He doesn't deserve his wife to divorce him just because his wife mother discriminate against him.
He treats me really well. He loving and very devoted husband, he very patience and understanding.
He work hard to secure our future. He worries and secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life.. I'm grateful, and I appreciate him alot for everything he do for me and do for our future.

Doesn't matter how well he treats me; my mom just won't accept him, she just so set in her rigid ways,
My mom make it loud and clear that she does not welcome me drive back to visit my dad anymore. She does not welcome me to step foot in to the house to visit see my dad anymore. And Don't ever phone back home to talk to her or ask how my dad doing, she doesn't want anything to do with me.. Yes, she that much ashamed of me.

Situation between me and my dad:
What further hurts is my dad never stood up for me. Eventhough my dad doesn't bluntly said all the hurtful words like my mom.. But he never defend me; he let my mother freely belittle me, say hurtful words to me. He never care enough to stood up for me, that is no difference as letting me know that he agree with what my mom do. I guess my own father is ashamed of me too.

At my wedding ceremony, both my mom and dad didn't show up. Eventhough my dad doesn't bluntly said it out that he disapproved my marriage like how my mom always rubs it in my face. But he Never congradulate me on my marriage. He Never on my side when my mom insulting me, or when mom insulting my husband.. Maybe deep down inside my dad also mind, he just doesn't want to say it straightout. You know what I mean?

I live one hour drive away. I don't mind drive 1 hour on the freeway to come back home to visit my father. But my mom just make it extremely hard for me.
When I back to visit, I told my mom I won't stay long. I just want a peaceful meal with my dad, so I can talk to him and see how he doing.
If you in my situation, you know what mentally/emotional abusive is when you see your own tears drop down the rice bowl while eating. In the past, I had swallow my own tears while eating on the dinner table.. NEVER once I can have a nice meal with my old father with my mom presence, hearing she belittle/ insulting me.

I did try asked my dad if I can take him out to dinner. But then my mother say NO, and my dad follow my mom and say NO too.. I don't know if my dad scare of my mom, or simply because he doesn't want to go out to eat with me. I have the feelings that he also ashamed of me, he just doesn't bluntly said it out like how my mom does.

Because beside myself make an effort to drive back to visit my dad, Never once my dad make an effort to see me. My dad doesn't even care to phone me, it always me phone him when I miss him.
BOTH of my parents never make an effort to contact me or see me.. I understand that my relationship with my mom is very strain. But why my dad also on her side, and never want to see me?
My dad know my cell phone number, but he never phone me. Why? Is he scare of my mom, or it because he also Ashamed of me?
Why is my dad treats me this way too? I know that my mom is ashamed of me, but why even my own father is ashamed of me? It HURTS so much.

Regarding the situation between me and my father. If you have any advice you can help me on how can I see my father? Is there any hope left between me and my father? Or it is doomed too like the strain relationship with my mom?
Perhaps this is my fate, this lifetime I was not meant to have an immediate blood family.

I have zero family support. I have No family to turn to.. Family here I mean immediate family, my blood family. I'm not an orphan, I Know I have an immediate family, but it like I don't have any.

Lunar New Year is very important to Chinese and Vietnamese. It damn hurt when it Chinese New Year--it suppose to be the time for family to get together. But your own mother doesn't even bother to phone tyou to say Hi, not even say a single word to you. Doesn't welcome you, doesn't want you to drive back visit your own father. She doesn't want anything to do with you. It HURTS alot.

My husband he African (he Black). He from Sierra Leone, a country in West Africa.

My parents refused to accept my husband, they just won't accept him at all. Especially my mother she always give me a very very hard time..
My mother strongly disapproved him since the beginging. It just so unfair how she treated him. When I chose to married him; she completely cut me off, she disown me.
She very very unreasonable. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person.. NEVER once she care enough to met him.
She said alot of hurtful words. She discriminate against him and disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him?

I have known him for 5 years, and NEVER once my mom care enough to met him.
I don't know how many more 5 years I have left in this life, or how many 5 years I have to wait till she care enough to met him.. I don't know if until the day I died, IF I'm able to see my mother change her mind and accept him.

My husband knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.
He knows all about my abusive childhood too. He doesn't mind my emotional childhood baggage. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.
He accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.

There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. NEVER once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. NEVER once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. NEVER once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.

But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.

The one that complain alot is me.. I just don't have the level-headed and the ridiculously patience level like my husband.
Heck, I'm still yearning for my mother to accept him, when deep down inside I know that she will never accept him. I have known him 5 years already, and she never bother to met him or accept him. What make I think she will suddenly change her mind now?

This guy wasted 5 years of his life put up with my emotional childhood baggage. Despite I constantly test his love and patience, and make him wait and wait. He still have all the patience. He still here, his love still unconditionally.
I guess that still not good enough for my mother, not good enough for her to give one single chance to met him.. After 5 years and she still doesn't care to met him, not even one time. This is like an indirect slap in his face to let him know how much my mother dislike him and disrespect him.---He human, he have feelings; how can he not mind this? This you agree right?

Past or present, he treats me really well.. He really patience, and really understanding of my abusive childhood. And understanding of my culture.
All he asked me for is promise to communicate with him, talk to him. We will face all the hardship together.. My family disapproval of him, our huge cultural difference, whatever hardship throw at us; he believe we can make it. As long two people loves each others, two people willing to communicate with each others, willing to make the effort to work it out together.

He strongly believe in communication. Talk it out together, and solve the problem together.. He wants me and him--both put in the effort to communicate to each others.
He likes to face the problem, communicate it through and solve it. He strongly against the silent-treatment route.
To him love/marriage go side by side with communication.. Don't rug-sweep problems, face it and work it out together. Don't run away from the piles, it will just build up more and more. I dunno, I guess he the type that big on communication?

It been a peaceful and loving 5 years knowing him, completely drama-free zero drama. Marriage also have been peaceful and loving. Heck, we don't even fight or argue.
Thank you to his patience and effort that hold this marriage stable and peaceful. He ridiculously patience, patience and patience, and still ridiculously patience.
My mother did said she will open her eyes wide and watch my marriage with this guy she disapproved, watch my marriage fail miserably.

I wish my mom can see him for his heart, for who he is as a person instead of his ethnicity. She disapproved him SOLELY because of his skin color.. It just so Unfair to him, seeing how my mother discriminate against him.
I know he ridiculously patience and very level-headed..
BUT I'm sure no guy would be happy when knowing their wife mother unreasonably discriminate against them. You know what I mean? This you agree right?
But somehow this doesn't seem to bother him.. He said he doesn't care for a MIL, he doesn't need a MIL. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.

I have the tendency to self-blame ALOT. I blame myself that I can't give him a MIL, that he doesn't have a MIL. He doesn't have the perfect family with in-laws (MIL) who would accept him and respect him.
It self-blame, self-guilt that I have. That I can't give him a MIL. That I can't give my future children a maternal grandmother..

My mom did specificly said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to visit her. She doesn't want those dirty grandkids in her house.
She also called me dirty, called my future children dirty. According to her words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.
My mother said alot of hurtful things. She said when I'm pregnant, don't carry my pregnant stomach back to visit her. Because it will make her Further "Lose Face". And because I'm dirty, and my baby is also dirty.

That is nothing, she said way way more hurtful words than that. My mom sure can said alot of hurtful things. She just hate me so much, and so ashamed of me to the point that she doesn't want anything to do with me.
It just hurts so much.. I have zero family support. I have No family to turn to.

Subconciously I'm still yearning for the day my mother will accept my husband.. I just hope before this life of mine is over, my mother can accept him. Or at least try to, at least give once change to met him.
Give it straight to me; in my situation, do I have any hope?..
Hope that one day my mom will meet him and accept him? Please tell me that eventhough it been 5 years already, eventhough NEVER once my mother bother enough to meet my husband.. But there still hope.
But there still hope..
There still hope for that one beautiful day where she will change her mind and meet him.
There still hope for that one day my husband will have a MIL.
There still hope for that one day my future children will have a "Maternal" grandma.
There still hope for that one day my mother will no longer ashamed of me, no longer ashamed of my marriage.
There still hope for that one day I will have a mother who will love me unconditionally like how other people mother love them.
There still hope right? Please please tell me there still hope.

daisychain01 Sat 12-Mar-16 15:16:17

I'm sorry to only give you a brief response. I am saddened that your relationship with your mother gives you zero happiness and fulfilment.

If you can, please don't waste a moment more of your life invested in the hope she will accept your husband and change her attitude to you.

Please free yourself of the burden of that hope. If she hasn't shown you love by now, she will never change. Please be realistic!

SavoyCabbage Sat 12-Mar-16 15:22:36

Maybe your mother wouldn't have accepted anyone that you married. She has found fault with you your whole life so she is going to find fault with who you choose to marry.

I wouldn't let my children, who are mixed race, near anyone who I suspected even thought those things. Or my husband. Like I said though, I really think she would behave like that regardless of who you married. Him being black is probably nothing to do with it in reality.

Your husband loves you. And you love him. That's your family.

scarletthollie5 Sat 12-Mar-16 18:15:53

Have no solution for you -just wanted to acknowledge your post and sharing your story . It is sad when our parents who are meant to love, us unconditionally do not for whatever, reason. Your family is with your husband and children who do love you unconditionally. Enjoy your family and l hope you find peace with your parents. Have you considered writing to them individually? Take care

springydaffs Sat 12-Mar-16 18:50:13

She's a vile abuser and racist. I get it there is a strong cultural element to this but let's call it what it is here, regardless of culture. She is vile.

Sadly, your dad hasn't protected you from this hideous woman.

Iiwy I would concentrate on your lovely husband and your future family with him. I would seek out a therapist, possibly a therapist who understands your culture, and get into therapy for a good long time. NOT bcs you're a bad case but because those of us with toxic parents need long term professional support to get to a place of peace (imo).

You're not the first to face this and you won't be the last. I feel compassion for you. Please concentrate on your lovely husband and your future with him.

springydaffs Sat 12-Mar-16 18:56:27

And, in my opinion, there is no hope your parents will change.

I'm so sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Mar-16 19:00:53

What the others have written here particularly springydaffs response.

You will need to find a therapist and one who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Finding the right therapist will help you massively.

It is not your fault your parents are the ways they are; you did not make them that way. Their own families did that lot of damage to them. This is nothing to do with culture. Your mother is an abusive person and your dad is her hatchet man and willing enabler. He has also failed you as his child here by failing to protect you from her mad excesses of behaviour. Such people like your parents never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They will not change and do not change.

All you can do is live well and without them in your life. You do not need such people in your life, you do not need their approval. Not that they would ever give you their approval anyway.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Pannacott Sat 12-Mar-16 19:04:28

What a horrible situation. It sounds like you have done really well to find such a loving and patient man, and to be able to learn to accept his love and patience, after your years of abuse. Congratulations. He sounds absolutely lovely smile.

It would be very hard, but I would suggest that the best thing you could do would be to try to give up on this hope of a reconciliation with your parents. They have given you no indication that they are likely to change his they feel about you or your husband, and waiting for them to change just extends the pain and exposes you to further hurt and abuse. It's hard to give up hope but you and your husband deserve better, you don't deserve to be exposed to this hate and discrimination.

Can you try to think of your husband as your family now? You've mentioned children - do you have plans to start a family at some point? You might find having your own family to be quite a healing experience. Some people find it easier to distance themselves from abusive parents when they have their own children, as they see the contrast between how they feel about their own children, and how their parents must have felt about them.

Can you look online to see if there are forums or self help groups for people in interracial couples or families, where extended family members reject the union? Or a self help book about this? It must be a fairly common problem and it might help to hear about other people in the same situation, and how they have coped.

The other thing you could look for is some counselling or support in coping with an abusive childhood, and how to deal with grown up parents who have behaved in this way. Hopefully other posters will have ideas about actual books or websites that can help with this.

Good luck, you deserve better than this, but how you manage your future is up to you.

springydaffs Sat 12-Mar-16 22:48:40

But there is hope with your husband! A lot of hope flowers

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