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Feeling despondent about the future of my marriage

(63 Posts)
noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 14:52:29

Just that really. We have both changed. I feel we have both lost the spark that used to be in us.
I thought I felt his way a few years ago due to having been through a traumatic event. But counselling and CBT helped me think more positively about things.

I feel that positivity has waned and I now think more negatively about a lot of stuff, including my husband.
He thinks it's all related to the trauma and I'll need to get more CBT, but I'm starting to think it's simply that I'm not sure I really love him any more.

He's great in many ways, but frustrating in many others. He has become obsessed with his newish hobby which takes up a lot of his time. On the outside, this looks great - he's fitter, healthier and is achieving his goals.

But they're not my goals. He'll be spending more and more time out of the house and he trains for bigger events and I feel resentful towards him.

I just don't know how to work it out whether it is me sinking into a cycle of negative thinking, or whether the problem is him (or my feelings towards him more I should say)

Or is it a 15 year itch??

I have no idea where I atart addressing this. I have tried to speaking to him and have said we need to work on our relationship, but his answer is always along the lines of "well, we've got that weekend away in X" or "when thing settles down at work" "when Ds starts sleeping better" ...

Any words of wisdom out there?
(Have name-changed for this but have been in MN for 5+ years)

daisychain01 Sat 12-Mar-16 15:10:12

The things that stuck out to me reading your post were

1. The realisation you and he have changed during your relationship. Change in itself is a critical part of life to keep enriching and growing as individuals . The worrying part is when the change starts to feel like a separation between yours and his life goal, a drifting apart...

2. His new hobby. Sounds something sporty like running. It will initially be exciting for him to realise his potential, perhaps that he never knew he had. Running often has that effect because it is very easy to see progress based on training input. It can become addictive especially if he has lots of "soft" pbs ie ones that can easily be improved on. So it perpetuates a cycle of more time out there training =less time with you = a noticeable change in your Daily /weekly routine. Could you take up the same sport, so you can participate in the experience too? I've seen this happen quite a lots. Those who play together stay together.

Just a few thoughts to consider. Definitely important to communicate concerns, fears, frustrations and see where the conversation takes you?

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 15:27:16

Thanks daisy

It's more than just running. There are 2 others that go alongside it! And the challenges are getting greater, the training sessions and getting longer, and the moaning/groaning afterwards (about how tired he is, about how sore his legs are) is getting more annoying by the day!

He's a very goal-focussed person (in sales). He used to have family goals (short-term and long term) and when I asked him what his family goals are, he said he hadn't actually set any for the last couple of years. His only goals are his own personal and work ones.

I probably sound selfish but I feel he's just all about himself now.
When I've said that to him, he's agreed, but hasn't actually done anything about it.

Feel like I'm in a catch 22. I wouldn't (couldn't) stop him, but feel its an untenable situation. Because of his training requirements, I can never dedicate much time to my own hobbies. And I went back to full time working after he left a very well paid job to take a lower paid one to fulfil one of his career goals. I said I'd need more help to keep on top of household stuff, but, of course, that's never materialised.

Uuurgh. I just feel horrible about all this. I will try to talk to him again but I suspect he'll make promises, then never actually do anything about it.

Maybe I just need to find a way to accept the new him and all his faults (I have plenty too)
Not sure I can though.

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 17:40:41

Shameless bump.

Duckdeamon Sat 12-Mar-16 17:43:51

So it seems clear that you don't get equal leisure time? No wonder you're pissed off if that's the case.
Does he do his fair share of domestic work and childcare?

Duckdeamon Sat 12-Mar-16 17:46:08

Oh, I see he doesn't, you both work FT and you do the work at home while he pursues his own interests, in addition to his career goals.

Unless he's willing to make big changes it doesn't sound hopeful! Not exactly a great deal for you, is it?

RandomMess Sat 12-Mar-16 17:50:27

It does sound as though his life is all about him and his goals and you don't actually seem to feature in them - you're just a convenient add-on?

Presumably if you had interests you wouldn't be able to devote the same amount of time to them as he's not around to do his share of the childcare?

It does seem like you need to have some very honest discussions with him that you and family life are being completely overlooked by him despite you telling him that you are not happy with the status quo.

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 18:09:33

Thanks random and duck
there's no way I could spend the equivalent amount of leisure time on myself (he was cycling for 5 hours today!)

He is an early riser and gets up at 5am every day (4.45am sometimes) so gets some of his training done at a time that doesn't interfere with family time. But...

Then he's falling asleep at 9pm and wanting daytime naps at the weekend to enable him to stay up until around 10.30pm on a saturdsy night (wow!) so there isn't much time for us as a couple.

And there is much more washing now as a result of his training. So much more to wash but less time to do it. I've said before that he can start doing his own bloody washing but then there will be stinking training gear waiting days to be washed! sad

Really, he needs to put more effort into helping out otherwise I am going to remain resentful.

RandomMess Sat 12-Mar-16 18:19:29

Well you need to tell him all of this in a very calm way tbh.

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 18:24:13

Trouble is random, I already have. On more than one occasion.

RandomMess Sat 12-Mar-16 18:28:55

So what do YOU want to happen?

Are you in the place where it is ultimatum time or are you going to carry on feeling miserable and resentful?

I would suggest couples therapy to see if he will actually listen to what you are saying as he clearly either hasn't so far or doesn't understand or just doesn't care sad

ExplodingCarrots Sat 12-Mar-16 18:30:13

Is he training for triathlons or Iron Man op? Because that takes so much commitment and I've known couples to become under strain because of the time away training etc Especially with families with young children.

Did he discuss this trainingwith you beforehand or just go and do it? I can understand why you are feeling the way you do.

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 19:04:59

Random there could be a bit of both. I wish I felt he cared enough to understand, but he's so into his training, I cant ever see him giving it it.
And, if he did, he'd probably end up resenting me.
Couples therapy might be needed, I can't see me living the next 5 years like this, never mind the next 30-40!

Yes exploding first iron man this year having done triathlons and a half for the past 3 years. It's a massive commitment. When I had a moan once, he told me there was a woman at his Tri club with 4 school age kids doing marathons and triathlons. I snapped that perhaps she doesn't care about spending much time with her family (which I shouldn't have, I know, as I know nothing about her family or her life) but it felt like he was making out I had no right to complain since we only have the 1 DC.

Aaaargh! How do people manage this?? He really is a lovely person and has done so much for me in the past, but all I see is an iron mans fed up , resentful, rage-filled wife life ahead of me. angrysad

newname99 Sat 12-Mar-16 19:53:46

How old are you both? It's seems to be common as men age that they need to focus on physical achievements as they feel time passing by.

It didn't es seem that he is less focussed on the family which is putting a strain on you.I would suggest you make time for yourself..plan a weekly night away from home, even if it's spending time with a friend.Don't worry about the washing, get a special dry bag for his stuff and let him worry about clean training clothes.

Ask him to sort the food shopping and don't take on tasks that can be shared.Extended training time needs to be balanced with household duties

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 21:04:27

Newname a dry bag is a good idea. He has one of those for his swimming days so I could easily get another.

I suppose I'm worried that the resentment runs deeper than just the washing pile. The selfish way this 'hobby' causes him to act make me really question whether he's the kind of man I want to grow old with. He's so different now to when we first met. I never thought I'd be having these doubts. And I don't know if I'm making a bigger deal of it than should. There are obviously thousands of women (& men) in the same positions.

Maybe I should start a new thread: support thread for Iron Man dumpees confused

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 21:20:46

Oh, we're early 40s btw.

nina99ballons Sat 12-Mar-16 21:34:17

My DH does iron mans and triathlons so I feel your pain completely. It's an enormously time consuming, selfish, self absorbed sport. The washing and training time is unbelievable, plus the constant monitoring, diet and tiredness is full as fuck.

I've posted before about this but I think DH uses it as a way to disengage emotionally from our marriage.

I don't see him in the same way at all these days. We've had countless conversations about it but he honestly can't see that spending hours per day exercising and leaving me the domestic stuff is unreasonable.

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 21:45:46

Nina how do you cope with it? I feel I am irritable and snappy a lot of the time (which he will see no apparent reason for) and I'm sure it's due to built up resentment, mainly over this issue.
It doesn't exactly make for a nice atmosphere, or for a healthy relationship. I find it hard to be turned on my someone I feel so annoyed at most of the time!

RandomMess Sat 12-Mar-16 21:46:42

I suppose I wouldn't put up with I'm afraid. Someone who would put our relationship and DC behind a new hobby/pastime - I just wouldn't hang around. My DH has always had hobbies and weekends away that is fine but it's never come before us on a regular several times per week basis.

nina99ballons Sat 12-Mar-16 22:15:27

I don't really. I felt a lot of resentment too. He works from home so exercises during his work day. Not seeing it probably helps. He now does all our laundry too.

He set up some super expensive Garmin scales recently that measure weight, body fat and god knows what else and couldn't believe it when I declined my own account. He's so out of touch with me emotionally he could see why it would appeal given I'm pregnant confused I couldn't be bothered to explain it to him either, that's how far part we are these days.

FaithlessOne Sat 12-Mar-16 22:15:49

How bloody annoying for you. He's got his priorities all wrong. Sadly, no words of wisdom here. My BIL put Iron Man and training before his wife. They never sorted it out and he eventually chose sport over her! shock

I hope you can sort it out. flowers

Happyinthehills Sat 12-Mar-16 22:52:10

What does he bring to your life? Anything to compensate for the burden he clearly is?

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 22:52:45

Nina shock**
Hope your baby's due out of season! And if not, I hope you DH makes enough time to support you and the baby. My DH only got into this in a big way after DD was born, I'm not sure how I'd feel about his current level of training if I had a newborn.

I feel so disconnected from my DH. I got him a special Xmas present this year, one related to the sport but personalised and also practical. It's still in the box under the stairs even though I've mentioned several times about putting it up. The man I married would have excitedly got a hammer & nails & put it up right there and then on Xmas morning!
The fact that it's still lying around unused demonstrates how little he cares, in my opinion anyway. He managed to set up a turbo trainer in the garage though angry

Faithless that's sad. And worrying. Never thought I'd be in the position of playing second fiddle to a sport!

noideanow Sat 12-Mar-16 22:54:30

I don't know happy
I'm starting to question that myself sad

Choceclair123 Sat 12-Mar-16 22:55:05

For starters I would leave all HIS washing where he dumps it. Don't even bother getting him a dry bag, surely he's big enough to do that himself. You're not his maid! If he carries on as he is, he's going to have to cut back on his training to accommodate overnight and alternate weekend childcare arrangements following your divorce! Put your foot down he taking the piss.

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