I've name changed for this and can't go into the whole background as the post will be ridiculously long so I'm sorry if there are big time gaps in my story.
I married my abusive ex husband 12!years ago when I was 18 and we had 3 sons now aged 11, 9 and 7. The abuse was unbearable but I was so young and desperate to keep the family together that I stayed for far too long, this is something I will always regret.
I left the marriage nearly 6 years ago and their father has been having weekly visitation overnight unsupervised. He was only ever abusive to me and appeared to love his children and I thought they loved him. They used to run up and greet him when he came to pick them up, defended him after arguments, cried for him if he ever got arrested (usually for threatening me, refusing to leave my house etc.), asked to see him or when he was coming, told me all about the things he has bought them, the places he takes them.
Even though I was desperate to get this man out of my life and I knew he often used pick up and drop off to be rude and vile to me, I thought my children loved him and that he was a good dad (in as far as he loved the boys and would never hurt them).
At the end of last month, their Dad was physically violent to me after a drop off (this has not happened for several years as he is more emotionally abusive) and the boys were present. I had to ring the police and informed school what happened as my eldest son was directly involved and they were all upset. As a result, I stopped all contact with his children and he has bail conditions not to contact me.
My eldest son began to open up to a school counsellor, the first time he has ever spoken to anyone about his dad. My relationship with my eldest son is very strained and has been since he was about 6 (when I left his father) and he never opens up to me about anything. He told her that his dad has been using visitation all of these years to interrogate them, find out information about me, get them to say horrible things about me, go over arguments we have had for an hour at a time so they can see 'his side' and try to convince them that I was wrong in every situation. He told the counsellor to tell me what he had told her and also pass the message on to his dad that he didn't want to have these conversations anymore and that it made him sad. He also said if anyone else ever asks about his dad, he will retract everything and tell them it was all lies.
That night when he returned home, I told him I was happy he had finally talked about what has been going on and that if he ever needed to talk about anything that I would be there but I could tell he didn't want to talk further so I didn't push him.
On Wednesday evening, we had just finished dinner and it was just me and my middle son left at the table. I asked him if his dad has also been saying these things to him and that I promised I wouldn't ever tell his dad what he tells me. He began telling me the same things as my eldest son but went on to say they get hit hard several times on the head in a knocking fashion if they don't comply with whatever their dad asks. They have been hit since they can remember and if they cry when getting hit, they get hit more until they stop.
My youngest son then came in the room and I again reassured him that his dad will never find out what he tells me. He confirmed the same and more. It was like a floodgate had been opened and they couldn't stop telling me all the awful things their dad has been doing to them for all these years. They had to act happy to see him or they got hit when he took them home, he told them never to tell anyone about what was happening. They said they have always hated their Dad and never wanted to see him again. I promised them I would never let him near them again.
I then spoke to my eldest son and he confirmed everything. He cried and said he felt torn, he wanted his dad but he didn't want to get hit anymore. My heart broke
I immediately rang the police and my children now have to give statements next week for their dad to get arrested. I also told school the next day
I am in absolute shock and devastated that I let this happen. How could I not know? Why didn't they tell me? I might as well have been the one doing it to them as I sent them every week. I looked forward to them going so I could have a break. I'm sat revelling in the peace and quiet at home or out with friends while they are getting beaten by their own father and they can't call for help, they can't tell anyone what's happening because they are so terrified of their dad. It haunts me to think of them trapped there at his house, too scared to move. I should have protected them.
He ruined my relationship with my eldest son, he's always kept his distance and I have taken him to CAMHS several times over the years thinking he has ODD. I thought he hated my and it was so hard to be his mum sometimes. Now I know the real reason, his dad was poisoning him against me. He was scared to love me.
My other two have had behavioural problems at school. This man has ruined my children's lives for all these years. It all seems so obvious now but I just thought it was because they had witnessed DV, I never thought they were being abused too. I always thought my younger 2 would tell me anything.
I need to know how likely it is that this man will get jail time and I want to know for how long. This bastard needs to pay for what he has done but I'm so scared CPS will not prosecute due to lack of evidence. My children are terrified what will happen once he finds out what they have said. Can I get a restraint order against him towards the children.
I have an appointment with a solicitor at the women's centre next week but surely this goes further than the civil courts. I want to know this man will never be allowed near my children again.
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I just found out my children have been physically abused by their father for all these years
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Takeitallaway · 12/03/2016 09:08
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