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They follow a script but think they're original

(11 Posts)
Marchate Fri 11-Mar-16 22:56:24

It's a mystery to me. Abusive men are so unoriginal to the point of following the instruction manual to the letter. But they think they have come up with it all by themselves

How do they learn the plot line of abuse so exactly, while thinking they are clever and quick witted?

Trills Fri 11-Mar-16 23:00:04

Your post does not come across well.

It suggests that anyone who falls for the "unoriginal" script is stupid or ignorant - otherwise they would have already heard about it.

suzannecaravaggio Fri 11-Mar-16 23:05:45

I see your point Trills but I'm not sure Marchate means it like that, seems to me that people (of either gender) who are abusive or predatory often have a similar modus operandi or 'script' despite not having formally learned it anywhere.

I guess it's a kind of cultural trope that those who are so inclined just sort of pull out of the ether/collective consciousness /media/collective unconscious etc

Summerlovinf Fri 11-Mar-16 23:08:43

I don't think it suggests that and ...you're not stupid or ignorant just because you trust people or haven't necessarily come across 'the script' before. I agree once you know what you're looking for there are many similarities between abusers

Marchate Fri 11-Mar-16 23:13:16

It's on my mind because of the storyline on The Archers. Which is literally a 'script', obviously. But abusers in real realationships follow such a predictable pattern, it's almost uncanny

I truly wonder how they learn, without realising they have been taught

Sorry I came over badly

suzannecaravaggio Fri 11-Mar-16 23:20:59

people who are abusive probably converge upon certain techniques because they are effective, and they learn by trial and error which are the most effective strategies!

HopeClearwater Fri 11-Mar-16 23:30:08

Active alcoholics and other addicts have a script too. I think it's all part of the human condition.

Toomuchinfo1 Sat 12-Mar-16 12:29:46

OP I had similar thoughts a few weeks ago when I realised my (now ex) boyfriend had been following the script for 2 years!

I dont think he knew anything about the script, neither did he learn it. It was just in his personality & came second nature. For example, the 'crazy ex gfriend' . . . He had convinced himself that he did nothing wrong & it was her craziness that split them up. He was so convincing, but because he himself believed it xxxx

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 12-Mar-16 12:33:23

I think its hardwired into personalities. I think we have scripts designated to certain aspects of our personalities. So a cheater, abusive person or an addict will have the script to follow the behaviour its wired into.

Marchate Sat 12-Mar-16 23:33:58

Thanks, everyone, for your ideas

Resilience16 Sun 13-Mar-16 16:33:59

I think that some people ( and that's men AND women) who have grown up in an abusive household or situation tend to then replicate that when they grow up.
It may be because this appears to be what normality looks like to them, it may be because it is their default setting and makes them feel secure, or it may be that they don't see it as abuse as it is "not as bad" as what they experienced as kids.
I think that is one reason abusers are so loathe to admit or recognise they are abusive is because at some level they would then have to confront the fact that they were abused themselves. It is easier to deny deny deny.
I don't think it is a given though that an abused person will abuse, there is free will and choice in there as there is with everything else.
You do need to have a high level of self awareness though to be able to look inward at yourself and confront your own behaviour.

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