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I want my name back

(56 Posts)
Flicknamn Fri 11-Mar-16 19:04:44

DH and I got married almost 20 years ago and after all this time I still regret giving up my maiden name. I wanted to keep my maiden name at the time and talked it over with DH then. Although he said that he would support whatever choice I made, he also said he would feel awkward explaining my decision to his family and friends.

I'm so frustrated with myself for deciding to give up my name all those years ago. My married name has never felt like me and I still sometimes sign my maiden name on forms without thinking. Ridiculously, I feel jealous of family members who have my maiden name. I also feel hypocritical talking to anyone, but particularly my DCs, about feminism and equality when I chose to take my DH's name.

So I've looked into the process of reverting back to my maiden name and it's a faff but hopefully straight forward enough.

I'd be really interested to hear any opinions on whether this is as big an issue as I feel it is, whether anyone has been through this process and how simple/complicated it is. Are there any downsides to this that I'm not thinking about?

I haven't spoken to DH about this recently although he does know I regret my choice. We have one DS (18) and one DD (14).

Heirhelp Fri 11-Mar-16 19:09:16

I regrets changing my name about 6 weeks after doing it. Ideally I would have like to have hypenated our surnames but they would have given me unfortunate initials and I use my initials daily at work.

Flicknamn Fri 11-Mar-16 19:18:55

Are you planning on going back to your maiden name Heirhelp or are you trying to get used to it. I thought I would eventually grow into my married name but nearly 20 years on it still doesn't feel right.

thecolourpink Fri 11-Mar-16 23:37:28

Hi there. I got married in 2007, changed my name to my husbands, regretted it and changed back to my birth surname (don't like the term maiden, sorry!) in 2009 after trying husbands out for two years.

Husband understood when I told him how I felt. My family were absolutely fine. His family not so much but they've accepted it now ( on the surface anyway). Not that it's any of their business what you call yourself anyway. Just be true to yourself. I totally understand where you're coming from, husbands surname never felt right or like it was mine.

I'm never ever changing it again! Lesson learnt.

timelytess Fri 11-Mar-16 23:55:06

I'm still using my ex (now late) husband's name, thirty years after we split up. My own maiden name was unusual and I never enjoyed it, though it is good for family history research as most people with that name are relatives. I kept my married name because my dd wanted me to have the same surname as her, but eventually she got married and changed hers so... there's only me using his name.

Brokenbiscuit Sat 12-Mar-16 08:44:20

I think you should definitely change it back if it bothers you.

I took my DH's surname. I felt a bit awkward about it in some ways, as I thought I probably should have kept my maiden name. However, I never liked my maiden name and I was pleased to get rid of it! As a name, I like my husband's surname much better. I also like having the same name as dd. So no regrets.

However, I think my mum regrets taking my dad's name, even after 50 years of marriage. It isn't an especially nice name, whereas her maiden name was unusual and reflected her heritage. She won't ever change it, but I find it sad that she has lived for all these years with a name that she doesn't want.

Cookingongas Sat 12-Mar-16 09:55:52

I took dhs name for two years then switched back. It wasn't hard, no faff at all, and when introducing myself I'm far more comfortable with my identity. My name , it turns out, is an itergral part of my identity which I value. I hadn't realised that beforehand. Just change back if it's important to you smile

TeddTess Sat 12-Mar-16 10:00:27

it's not complicated to change your name at all
i used this website, very straightforward and easy. online form and all done for you.
www.deedpoll.org.uk/

a lawyer friend told me you can do it for free if you do the documentation yourself / place advert in london gazette etc...

LittleRedSparke Sat 12-Mar-16 10:01:04

Cant you just change by deedpoll?

TeenyW123 Sat 12-Mar-16 10:04:44

boards.fool.co.uk/changing-name-by-deed-poll-10941907.aspx?sort=whole#10941907

Have a look at this thread on another forum (hope it works!)

ARV1981 Sat 12-Mar-16 10:10:26

I didn't change my name when I got married. I thought about it, but just felt like it was unnecessary. Also, my husband's cousin's daughter has the same first AND middle name as me so I wouldn't be unique (and neither would she!)

My husband and I discussed what we'd do about children, and we agreed that they would have our names hyphenated... mine first, then his (other way around doesn't sound right).

So all three of us in the family have different names! It works for us.

WalkThePlank0 Sat 12-Mar-16 10:10:34

I kept my name. DH wasn't keen after a lot of negotiation we agreed that the kids would have his name. I think he would prefer it if I changed it. I said I might in the future but it doesn't sit comfortably with me. As time goes on I think I won't. It's really our business alone. So I don't justify it to anyone.

Oldraver Sat 12-Mar-16 10:17:29

I reverted to my maiden name 14 odd years ago and it was really easy. It isnt as complicated as people think.

I would start with your Passport..when I changed mine I wrote in the info box I wanted to revert to my maiden name and enclosed my Marriage Certificate, I believe they have a box for this now... Once have your Passport (or driving license) it is then easier to change bank accounts etc (if you want)

The only issue I had was companies wanting to know why I was changing my name..I just used to say I was reverting and they didnt need to know why. I also had some 'we need to see your Decree Absolute etc as they assume you are divorcing... again they dont. Your actual name is your maiden name, married name is a courtesy and you are entitled to use whichever you want. The only thing is these days ID is required for so much.

The only people that got a strop on were SKY when the lovely lady said the immortal words..."how do we know you are telling us the correct thing". They wouldn't change my name on the account even though the subscription was now coming out of a bank account in my maiden name...they got cancelled and blacklisted grin

Oldraver Sat 12-Mar-16 10:18:51

Oh I should say...I did consult my solicitor as thought it may be complicate dprocedure and need a deed pol or something. It was her that talked me through the...actually you dont need that, just inform people but get ID first

TeddTess Sat 12-Mar-16 10:24:49

Your actual name is your maiden name, married name is a courtesy and you are entitled to use whichever you want

this is fact. even if you use your married name you are still your maiden name.

LittleRedSparke Sat 12-Mar-16 10:31:51

Your actual name is your maiden name, married name is a courtesy and you are entitled to use whichever you want

this is fact. even if you use your married name you are still your maiden name.

Erm, surely your actual name is the one you are using ?

AdoraBell Sat 12-Mar-16 10:44:16

If you feel that your name is a big issue then it is a big issue and should be addressed.

I kept my name when we married, tagged DH's onto it. DH thought it would be a tad awkward explaining to his family and they still don't like the idea. That's not my problem.

Do as suggested with the your passport first. Not many people can argue when presented with a passport as ID.

LionsAndTigersAndBearsHaha Sat 12-Mar-16 11:00:32

I've always regretted giving up my surname but I do like that everyone has the same surname and can't find a way round it. I've added my surname as a second middle name. I'm so pleased I did.

If people ask me my surname I always say it's my husband 'a name, not mine. Lol

stinkysnowbear Sat 12-Mar-16 12:44:25

DP is taking mine :D

Change it. It's your name.

BertrandRussell Sat 12-Mar-16 12:49:34

"I kept my name. DH wasn't keen after a lot of negotiation we agreed that the kids would have his name"

That's not negotiation. That's him getting his way.

HeadDreamer Sat 12-Mar-16 12:51:31

really interested to hear any opinions on whether this is as big an issue as I feel it is, whether anyone has been through this process and how simple/complicated it is. Are there any downsides to this that I'm not thinking about?

I didn't change my name on marriage. I feel very attached to my name which I used for 30 odd years before getting married. If I have change my name when I got married I would have to be in my 60s before I have used the new name longer than my birth name. If you look at it this way, it is obvious is not a strange thing to not want to give up! So no I am with you that it is a very big issue.

There is another layer to this. I feel more connected to my own father and brother than my ILs. (My own mother kept her name). I would feel rather awkward to have the same address as my MIL. To be the same Mrs DHname as her would be the most ridiculous thing in my mind.

I say just change it back if that's what you want. Surely it can't be more faffy than the original name change?

HeadDreamer Sat 12-Mar-16 12:55:04

oldraver I think technically you don't need a deed poll because your birth name is still your name. For example it's the one many revert back to om divorce. And surely no document is needed for that.

But to make it easier a deed poll might not be a bad thing. You can get one done online cheaply anyway.

LovelyFriend Sat 12-Mar-16 12:57:29

I don't see why anyone would want to change their name. It's a bizarre concept to me. Completely unnecessary too.
Best of luck with the reversion op.

Flicknamn Sat 12-Mar-16 13:00:54

Thank you for all your responses. I need to do this don't I? If it doesn't feel right after 20 years it never will.

caker Sat 12-Mar-16 13:03:35

I kept my maiden name at work. HR know my married name and official documents are in my married name but my work email address, user names etc are in my maiden name and everyone knows me by that name.

I didn't really want to change to my married name but I wanted to have the same name as DD. The compromise is having the same name as mil! I have bank accounts in both names. I'm not sure what I'll do when I renew my passport yet.

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