Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is my marriage over?(13 Posts)
I don't really know what I'm hoping to get out of this post. Perspective perhaps, definitely opinions. Help, I suppose. My head is all over the place.
A year and a half ago I found out my husband of 2 months, together 10 years, had been sexting other women on an app called kik as well as chat roulette/Skype type websites. These were all random women. It had been going on for over a year before I found out.
I did post on here under a different account at the time but lost that account. Lots of good advice. I decided I wanted to give it a go with him, although I have very strong opinions when it comes to cheating so I think even then, I knew I wouldn't be able to move past it.
Anyway, it's been tough. At times it seemed things were looking up but then something might happen, a tiny thing usually, that would remind me of what he did and brought it all back.
We have 2 DC, one with ASD, ADHD and a few other problems. It is hard work. DH has recently been diagnosed with ADHD himself. I feel like he is using this diagnosis as an excuse for his behaviour. It annoys me.
Lately, everything he does seems to annoy me. I don't know why, because he really is trying to make things up to me. I don't want to be physically close to him at all. I find myself imagining my life without him in it and I feel happy. I look around the house and see the crap he leaves all over and think about how uncluttered it would be without him. I love the mornings when he has gone to work and calm descends on the household. He seems to make everything so stressful when it comes to getting the kids ready etc. He is incapable of making plans. It's always down to me. I have to deal with all the money as he just wastes it. I have to deal with shopping, hospital appointments for our son, medication, school stuff. He literally does nothing when it comes to organising the family. But then he does cook, clean, take the kids out and plays with them. Only after I have given him direct instructions though.
I feel like his mother. I also feel like having these thoughts must mean that our marriage is over. I don't know if I love him anymore. I definitely don't feel the same as I used to. But I don't know if that means it's just gone, or if I'm holding on to the anger towards him and if I find a way to move past it then maybe my feelings will come back.
I made the conscious decision to try to forgive and forget. I really meant it. At that point I was so very much in love with him. Since then, he has tried to make it up to me and he has done everything I've asked of him. So I don't know what else he can do.
This post is really long. Sorry. Probably doesn't make much sense either. My mind doesn't make much sense to me at the moment! So thank you if you got this far.
Bless you! I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. Have you been using relate? I think what you have been through is very hard to work through without help.
No we haven't had any counselling, although he is being offered it through the adult ADHD clinic and they are going to arrange couples counselling too. But there are long waiting lists and to be perfectly honest, I don't know how much longer I want to go on feeling like this.
I look at him sometimes and get so sad knowing he's not the man I thought he was. I've been cheated on in a previous relationship but I left him there and then. I don't know how to let go of this anger and hurt.
I also feel like a bitch, because I decided to stay. To make it work. Now a year and a half down the line I feel like I can't do it. Maybe I should have ended it when I found out.
When I suspected my XH of cheating, I found that EVERYTHING else he did wrong was magnified.
An overflowing bin just left? (I worked away so there was no question he should have emptied it)
In my head I went batshit. Everything was the straw breaking the camel's back. I constantly felt like screaming "I am giving you a chance despite you doing the WORST thing - cheating - and what do I get back? You desperately trying to make me happy, so glad you still have a chance? No, I have a lazy selfish arsehole who doesn't give a flying fuck about my happiness".
It's the same selfish part of them, that dumps crap on you, that makes them think it's OK to cheat.
Not everything that's broken can be fixed. What has he actually done to fix things?
Yes, bins are a source of annoyance right now. As well as putting dirty clothes next to the washing basket instead of in it. Leaving used tea bags on the side instead of taking 5 seconds to throw it away. All little things that I see as him making more work for me and he sees as something he's always done and can't quite understand why it's suddenly a big deal.
It's hard to say what he's actually "done" to fix things. Generally trying harder with everything. Paying more attention to me and the kids. I don't know, it all seems so pathetic really because the things he does are things that any loving husband and father should do anyway.
Thing is he's not acting like a partner, an equal.
It's a bit random but read the book "wifework" - you are doing all the thinking in this relationship and that would wear you down let alone the impact of trying to forgive him etc. After you've read it make him read it and ask him what responsibilities he is going to take over and own.
Can't help you with the feeling/decision whether to stay or go.
I think you both need proper marriage help. If the clinic you are going to have you wait listed I would call and explain you are at breaking point. See if they can recommend a place for you to go.
I was so very much in love with him
Now that the rose tinted lenses have dropped off you can see that you were more in love with your illusions of who he is rather than with the reality of what he is.
Apart from causing you to stop being 'in love' with him, his behaviour has also caused you to lose respect for him and it's not surprising that everything he does, or doesn't do, is a source of irritation for you.
Take a long hard look at him. Would it matter to you now if you discovered he was sexting or even having an affair with an ow? Would you still be
determined to cling on to him minded to 'forgive and forget'?
If the answer is no your marriage is over and the longer it continues the more dissatisfied and pissed off with him you'll become, and that's no way to live as your discontent will inevitably impact on your dc as well as adversely affecting your own emotional health and wellbeing.
My mum asked the question, how would I feel if I were to leave him and then he found somebody else. I thought about it and it made me feel sick. Which is why I'm so confused. Is it a case of I don't want him, but don't want anyone else to have him? Or are the feelings still there but buried under the resentment?
I really don't know the answer right now. Hence the embarrassing posts on here! I definitely care for him. If he's had a bad day, or he does something really sweet I do feel twinges of something. Love, I presume and I remember all the good things. I just wonder whether I'll ever be able to forgive, let alone forget. I didn't speak to my MIL for a year after I found out she cheated on FIL. And that didn't even directly affect me.
I wouldn't bother with Relate, but individual counselling might help you sort out your feelings. I found 5 sessions of CBT invaluable in helping me in an equivalent situation.
How did you go about arranging CBT? This probably sounds really stupid aswell but I resent the fact that counselling is even on the table. I think that's one of the things I struggle most with. The feeling that I didn't cause or ask for any of this. There I was, happily going through life and his selfishness has caused untold hurt and stress for me. I know it's a silly way to think of it but it pisses me off!
Please stop being so hard on yourself, a bitch - hardly, remember who has done wrong here and it isn't you!
He's been doing god knows what with how many women because you really don't know - for a year - that's a hell of a long time, long enough to realise you are being a cunt and he never!
You should not feel any guilt about falling out of love with him or just not wanting to carry on - he's ruined it all so it's going to take years to repair.
Thanks Jan I know, you're right. It is him that's done all of this. I'm just so conflicted. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm really down, then angry and it just goes in circles.
Join the discussion
Please login first.