Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

is he playing games??

(31 Posts)
hurtandconfued2016 Fri 11-Mar-16 16:32:43

Background Ex left 8 weeks ago for ow, had little contact with our son (2) not met our daughter yet (9 days old). Been very awkward with sorting contact, I had to contact him threw his parents and wasn't allowed to call when he had our son.
Basically I went to a lawyer to get contact organised which stated everything had I had said to him in person.
He didn't agree with me on anything that I was asking like I wasn't organising contact threw his parents. That he didn't introduce ow to my kids and also that my number was unblocked and we discuss our children ourselves.
Now he lost his temper at the door with me the last time he seen our son (4 weeks ago) and said I was stopping our children seeing their dad.
I had his daughter and emailed him and asked if he was coming to see her (his parents and sister came up when she was born) and he said no because he couldn't stand to be around me.
Now I have received his lawyers letter where he is talking about how he would like us to organise contact ourselves and not threw 3rd parties and that he wants to meet his daughter as soon as possible and that he agrees we should be able to text each other for the kids and basically agreeing to everything I had said at the door!
So did he just say all the horrible things (like he can't stand to speak to me I make him sick he hates me he's taking my kids off me) to cause an argument? Or is he playing games now? I am so confused!!

LineyReborn Fri 11-Mar-16 16:36:34

I think he went to a solicitor who talked some sense into him.

LineyReborn Fri 11-Mar-16 16:41:00

A lot of Exes go to solicitors thinking it means they can carry on throwing their weight around. Often, the solicitor will type out their "client's instructions". But the solicitor also has a duty to advise their client about being reasonable, and being seen by the court* to be reasonable.

*i.e. any possible family court proceedings in the future.

Hopefully your Ex has a decent solicitor.

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:01:52

I am just so confused by it all!! Since he left he has not once text about seeing the kids or anything and never asked how baby was when she was born!
But all of a sudden he's agreeing to my terms other than I said my kids don't meet the ow!
I'm just worried he is playing games, I have text to say if you want to see your kids this weekend let me know but still no reply! Is he just saying all that to look like he's not done wrong?

DoreenLethal Fri 11-Mar-16 17:05:44

He is not playing games, he has likely been told to start being reasonable by someone to get what he wants. Nothing confusing about it.

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 11-Mar-16 17:20:05

Just from knowing my ex he has always said no one ever tells him what to do and that he doesn't let anyone tell him otherwise. So to go from one to the other has just worried me

SexNamesRFab Fri 11-Mar-16 17:27:04

Hurt flowers , congratulations on your new baby girl. 9 days old and you're having to deal with this shit? I feel for you.

DarrenHardysDrongo Fri 11-Mar-16 17:29:11

I don't think I know the back story to this one, but are you two married?

petalsandstars Fri 11-Mar-16 17:36:22

I remember your previous threads and I think there is probably a bit of both going on. He was saying all those things to hurt you and detract from his horrid behaviour and now he has been to a solicitor and they have told him not to be ridiculous and that you are actually asking for reasonable things so now he is asking for the reasonable things to put you off balance and make it seem like he was being reasonable all along.

However he still is a twat so doesn't actually believe the things he is saying - hence not replying to your message.

Keep everything in writing - text/email rather than phone so there is a documented record. And with the baby I can't remember if you were bf/ff but short frequent visits are better for tinies as mum is all she knows so far.

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 11-Mar-16 18:23:18

Sexnames- yeah it's been a bit of a nightmare he has been no help if anything making it harder was hard enough he left for ow but to not help/see his kids is making it worse!
Petals- yeah It just seems so out character for him to be so nice! I still haven't received the text and I know he received it as I had to send it to his dad as he has still blocked my number.
I was bf but had to give up due to the pain I was having with my kidney infection and stuff so now ff but he will not be seeing my daughter without me there end of!
Darren - no we weren't married living together with mortgage and that.

DarrenHardysDrongo Fri 11-Mar-16 18:27:35

Ok OP, I was just wondering about the legal position. I don't think he's playing games. I agree with pp, his lawyer has told him to be reasonable. Unfortunately, that's no guarantee that he's going to behave reasonably.

hurtandconfued2016 Fri 11-Mar-16 18:37:43

Darren - I hope he does start to behave reasonably my children don't deserve this and neither do I. The other thing is I sent him a letter dated 16feb and he only went to a lawyer last week? Why wait so long and also take your 2 weeks paternity leave for a child you've not met? I'm just a bit weary!

amarmai Sat 12-Mar-16 02:10:00

the tiger does not change its stripes,op. This man showed you who he was and he will be the same to the next woman and the next and---who knows how many will get free of him. Find out how to get $$ for his cc and live your life as free of him as you can. Take action to do what has to be done to give your dcc as good a life as possible and keep him out of your head.

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 12-Mar-16 10:04:23

Well looks like the letter was a waste of space! I text his dad earlier to say if he wants to see/meet the kids this weekend text reply till 12 to say as his parents are working he won't be able to see the kids! It is his birthday today and has been on 2 weeks paternity leave but can't see the kids cause his parents are working...

petalsandstars Sat 12-Mar-16 10:25:12

See - all talk because the solicitor probably told him that he was wrong but actually he doesn't give a shit.

In the nicest possible way you need to accept that he doesn't care and get support for yourself. Don't worry or stress about the DC seeing their dad- he isn't exactly a great role model is he? Make sure he is paying maintenance and document everything but don't push contact yourself.

Once he realises that he looks bad or wants to be Disney dad he'll start making noises about not being allowed to see his kids and demand them when he wants. Don't let him - if he can't be bothered now and leaves it for ages then he needs to build up slowly or he can take it through the legal channel.

You need to be strong for your babies flowers

LineyReborn Sat 12-Mar-16 10:49:58

I agree with petals. also in my experience, no family court would disagree with the stance that very young children need routine, structure and stability, and should not be subject to the ad hoc whims of the non-resident parent.

The family court will expect reasonable proposals about structured, regular contact. The court also expects reasonable behaviour from both parties at the hearings. My ExH made a complete fool of himself and was seriously slapped down.

At the next hearing he appeared with an expensive barrister, who had clearly got the measure of him, because he wasn't allowed to utter a word! The barrister - his fancy barrister - agreed at my request to write in a paragraph to the contact order about required behaviour during hangovers, and about communication. I felt like that barrister was working for me in the end.

Lawyers honestly don't really like representing twats.

I self-represented btw so didn't cost me a penny.

LineyReborn Sat 12-Mar-16 10:50:56

* handovers!

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 12-Mar-16 10:51:47

Yeah I'm pretty peed off today! Take your paternity leave for a child you haven't met and not bother to see her or your son!!!
With the maintenance me and him had agreed on a figure and when the lawyer put that on his letter he complained it was too much! So now going threw csa!

LineyReborn Sat 12-Mar-16 11:01:44

I think it's the CMS now but similar thing. I think you're right. I had to do that in the end and they deduct from his wages directly because he is so bloody awkward to deal with. But the agency deals with him - I don't have to - that's the beauty of it.

And you can simply tell his solicitor that that's what's happening, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Good luck flowers

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 12-Mar-16 11:40:23

Yeah my ex is not the easiest of people to deal with right now he is too involved with the ow and doesn't understand why I'm hurt or upset. So when ever we talk he just says he hates me he only had another baby to make me think he loved me and other horrible things!

LineyReborn Sat 12-Mar-16 11:47:25

You have nothing to lose from disengaging from him. It's like these Exes get caught up in a self-involved, self-protecting madness, where their ego denies the hurt they're causing. They get enabled to do this by OW, so they don't even have a little voice in their ear telling them to be fair.

Does he worry what him mother thinks of him? He'll be telling her a pack of lies. Just disengage. It's his loss of dignity, not yours.

Oldraver Sat 12-Mar-16 11:55:39

I think you just need to back off for while. You've offered him contact so let the ball be in his court. Stop chasing him, the only thing you're achieving at the moment is getting stressed and wind up as he isn't responding as ypu would like.

He will be seen for the twat he is when he has to explain why he hasn't made the effort to see his DC's.

I also think you have to face the fact he will not be the Dad you want him to be

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 12-Mar-16 12:46:11

Yeah starting to realise that he's not going to bother with the kids! The lawyers letter I think is a bit of the lawyer and his mum I don't think any of it came from him which is sad!
My children are absolutely beautiful and changing everyday and he has missed so much but the sad fact is I don't think he actually cares!

Iamdobby63 Sat 12-Mar-16 12:55:42

I remember your previous thread as well, congrats on your baby daughter.

As others have said he has probably had sound legal advice or its off with the OW. Either way he continues to play with your head, don't let him, don't spend your time wondering why he does or says X,y or z. Minimal contact in relation to the children is all you need. As per your other thread, you are so much better off without him in your life and if he chooses to be a rubbish Dad there is not much you can do about it.

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 12-Mar-16 12:58:18

Yeah I doubt it's off the ow it's either his mum or the lawyer she is a silly young girl who I doubt wants to have 2 kids cramping their style!
Yeah I can't contact him anyway as I refuse to go threw his parents!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now