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I grew up with an mentally abusive father now I fear I'm becoming the same

(5 Posts)
Gems16 Fri 11-Mar-16 15:53:08

I've never had much of what u would call a father/daughter relationship with my dad! I've always felt inadequate around him like I'm not good enough. I still feel like that even now and I'm a 35 year old woman. Growing up my father was always a very domineering figure in our household. We were all afraid of him (my mum, 2 sisters and me) although there was never any physical violence he only had 2 open his mouth and we were all terrified, its just the kind of man he is. He was always very bad tempered. It was like constantly walking on eggshells afraid 2 say a wrong word in case it set him off. I remember he would come in from nights in the pub, wake my mum out of her sleep and start an almighty row for no reason at all! I used 2 lay in bed with my hands over my ears praying it would stop. On some occasions he even threw my mum out in the street. That's just 1 of many examples of what he's like I'd be here all day if I was 2 go through everything. Anyway as a result of all this I grew up a very timid, shy child. I struggled 2 make friends at school I just had zero confidence in myself. As I got older I felt very uncomfortable around boys I just really struggled in any male company! I didn't know how 2 act in front of them. I started having a lot of 1 night stands I was giving myself up 2 easily. I thought it would make them like me. Looking back I guess I was just crying out for a man 2 love me and accept me. I met my now husband when I was 26. He was and is a lovely man, total opposite 2 my father. He's kind, caring and a great father 2 our 2 children. Like any married couple we have our issues. But our relationship can be a bit volatile at times (mostly cos of me not him) we do have bad rows and I've slapped him a few times recently. I know this is wrong and I know I have a problem I think I need anger management or something. I don't wanna be this person I don't wanna be anything like my dad! Am I destined 2 feel like this forever (worthless, unlovable, not good enough)

rememberthetime Fri 11-Mar-16 16:08:31

Slapping your husband is not a small thing. The only thing I can recommend is giving yourself some time apart while you sort yourself out with intensive therapy. Dint put your husband through this while you recover from your childhood. Be apart and focus on getting well again.
It might not be what he or you want to hear but your relationship is not helping you it is just feeding your behaviour.
Put your husbands first and leave then focus on your needs by working with a good therapist. Then maybe one day you can return to him as the wife you want to be.
Well done for actually admitting you have a problem. It is so much more than most would do. Feel proud of yourself for that.

TheyreMadITellYouMaaaad Fri 11-Mar-16 16:09:41

Being aware of this, and wanting to change it mean that you have already taken the first steps towards change.

Your thinking habits and self-beliefs are deeply entrenched - but you can change them.

I wonder whether your GP can help? I was referred for CBT for depression, but it has made a huge difference to me with my anger. CBT taught me to understand what triggers me, and how certain thoughts are unhelpful, and how to re-word my thoughts so that they are helpful.

Following on from CBT, other things that have helped are changing my diet to a low sugar diet (reduced mood swings, less fragile temper) and Citalopram.

I don't think one of the three would have worked on its own, but the CBT was key to getting me on the road out of Rageville.

Oysterbabe Fri 11-Mar-16 16:39:08

You need to leave your partner until you address your issues. No one should have to live with domestic violence.

Gems16 Fri 11-Mar-16 16:51:49

I've tried 2 leave my husband a good few times but he won't have it, Ive asked him 2 go stay in his mums until I sort myself out but he refuses 2 leave. I have nowhere else 2 go so I can't leave. Plus there's no way I'm going anywhere without my 2 kids. We do have a good relationship 90% of the time is just those times when we have rows I sometimes lose it and I've slapped him on the face twice in ten years. The first time was because we had a row about him going out and not coming home till 6am the second time was because during a row he stood in front of me and wouldn't let me leave the room when all I wanted 2 do was be on my own 2 calm down. I'm not in anyway trying 2 condone what I did I know domestic violence is wrong

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