Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

things move faster when you're older

(41 Posts)
83mummypig Fri 11-Mar-16 13:00:38

With my ex, we were together 4 years before we lived together and another 4 years before engagement and another 2 years for a baby.

After being single in my 30s, and meeting someone last year,I'm now mid 30s and my boyf and I are approaching a year so talking about progressing and moving in. My girlfriends think I'm crazy and we should be togther for a couple of years first. I've tried telling them that when you're older you are more maturer and in my case I have learnt various lessons.

So, what's your opinion, did things work faster for you?

Kanewreck Fri 11-Mar-16 13:38:36

I find it a bit odd. I think people, as they get older, panic and settle for a wrongun. I think people want to keep up with the jones' relationship wise and try and force a person in to that role.
I've seen many people pull the trigger, in terms of marriage, in their mid 30s. A lot of it is governed by the biological clock.
Mostly people that do this need external affirmation constantly.

TheNaze73 Fri 11-Mar-16 14:48:18

I think it's far too soon & I'm in my forties

chelle792 Fri 11-Mar-16 14:58:16

Personally I think if it's right, it's right. It may be right forever or it may be right for a short time. What do you have to lose by taking a punt?

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Mar-16 14:59:32

I think the older you get the more you realise just what can go wrong if you don't know each other well enough!

PushingThru Fri 11-Mar-16 15:24:45

I don't see the difference really between moving in together after a year versus two in terms of consequences. It's not a commitment that would be terribly hard to dissolve if you had to.

LookAtMeGo Fri 11-Mar-16 15:30:11

Unless you're buying together, then that would be nuts!

SolidGoldBrass Fri 11-Mar-16 15:32:37

It depends. Some people move in together or even marry very quickly because they are 'sure this is the one'. Sometimes one or both of them is horribly mistaken about this.
Think it through, OP. Be sure you are not simply desperate and clutching at the nearest available man with all his own teeth and no visible social diseases. If you are considering buying property with him, get good, independent legal advice. (Actually, renting for a year or two first might be a better idea anyway.)

ConkersDontScareSpiders Fri 11-Mar-16 15:38:51

I think it's fine! I was with my husband for the age of 19 and married for 11 years...it's no guarantee of success to know someone for a long time.
You are mid 30's.presumably you are not a mug-or no more than anyone else anyway.worst that can happen is you move in together and it doesn't work...if you are renting what have you lost?

stumblymonkey Fri 11-Mar-16 15:39:00

Wow...I'm surprised that people think a year isn't long enough.

Personally I met my DP in December 2014 and we moved in to a rented property in August 2015 and started TTC DC1 in January.

At 34 this year I don't have the time to spend years dating and then more years living together before we TTC. At that rate I'd have probably missed my chance to conceive or at least made it more difficult.

I'm a very sensible person and I've dated a great deal so I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing and he definitely isn't a wrongun.

That's not to say people don't rush things sometimes....do you consider yourself to be sensible? Do you have a 'history' of rushing into things and being hurt? Do you feel you genuinely know him well and have seen him in different situations and moods? Do you 100% trust your own judgement? Do any of your friends actually have reservations and are using 'don't rush things' as a euphemism?

I'm more than happy with the decision I made and if you can go through those questions and feel happy with your decision then go for it - it's your life!

stumblymonkey Fri 11-Mar-16 15:41:23

Also...worth pointing out...

A lot of the time making the correct choice of partner isn't as much about 'time' as being sensible, being able to spot early red flags, knowing what you want and don't want in a partner and not being so swept away with emotions that you make a stupid choice.

These things aren't correlated with whether you've been in a relationship for one year, two years or four years...

Strokethefurrywall Fri 11-Mar-16 15:48:17

I think things move quicker depending on where you live too.

Living and working in London, I was with my boyf who lived a couple of roads away. We'd see each other 3-4 times a week or thereabouts. Were together 4 years and never talked about moving in together (accept that our young age had something to do it with it too!)

Moved here to small island and met now-DH in the January. We'd moved in together by April/May, got married 2 1/2 years after we met. I remember thinking when we first started talking about moving in together that it would never happen this fast in London. Here it just seems normal.

I think generally things will move quicker when older as people might be happier to co-habit sooner and "settle down".

ExConstance Fri 11-Mar-16 15:51:36

I've been married 31 years. DH and I were in bed within hours of meeting, engaged within a fortnight and married (the delay was only because we both wanted a big family wedding) 10 months later. We have always been very happy, have two lovely grown up sons. I was 4 days off being 28 when we married and it seemed to me that those of my friends who were in long term relationships and waited to set up home were the ones where the relationships didn't work out - think they were bored sick of each other before they started on the joys of setting up home together and thinking about gardens, pets and children. Do what feels right!

iwillbemrsminty Fri 11-Mar-16 15:53:26

I'm with Chelle and stumbly and the others saying if it's right it's right and when you know, you know. Me and my DP (both 35) have just moved in together (me in with him) after just short of a year. I did, however, know my DP before we got together but hadn't seen him for about ten years. We are hoping to start a family soon very too and time is not really on our side as we would like more than one child and who knows how long it will take to conceive. It doesn't feel rushed, it feels right.

BertieBotts Fri 11-Mar-16 15:54:39

You have a child from a previous relationship, don't you? So I think it's too soon. You have to be more careful when there are children involved. It would be okay if it was only you, but it's not.

CrazyMary Fri 11-Mar-16 15:57:08

For me, it depends on whether there is children involved. It's fine to move quickly or be more impulsive, if it's only the two people in the couple that are taking the risk. It's totally different, if it impacts on other people, especially children who are dependent.

MeMySonAndl Fri 11-Mar-16 15:57:45

You know, when you are young finding a man is like going to the market in the morning, everything is fresh, pretty and full of goodness.

When you are older, it is like going to the market in the afternoon, there is less variety available, things look a bit wilted and bruised and the best bits are gone.

So I find it funny that people advice to take it easy and take your time when you are getting older...What for? Make the best of what you found late in the market before it gets worse by tomorrow. If he is the "wrong un", no problem, you are already more experienced and know your mind, so you are in a better position to move out of a relationship if it doesn't work (just keep your financial independence)

SoThatHappened Fri 11-Mar-16 16:05:25

I'm now mid 30s and my boyf and I are approaching a year so talking about progressing and moving in.

Approaching a year. So not a year yet?

So you havent even done one of everything yet? A year would mean only one christmas, one birthday, one valentines, one easter, etc etc.

You havent done a complete set of all of the four seasons together yet. and you think that is enough time. Maybe. Maybe not. But one year isnt a long time considering we remain on our best behaviour for at least 6-9 months in a new relationship.

talkingelmo Fri 11-Mar-16 16:14:22

Agree with BertieBotts, a year is too soon when there are children involved. It's very easy to feel sure that a relationship is going well in the early months, but that can change with the stress of living together with a young child, and it's also harder to maintain financial independence (especially if you get tax credits).

IME friends who have moved in quickly are either younger, child free and renting so not a huge commitment, or were older and keen to get on with things due to wanting more children, or just fell into living together due to circumstances (e.g. one losing house). I don't think it's necessarily about being more mature and learning lessons (especially since not all those relationships have lasted).

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Fri 11-Mar-16 16:19:59

Gosh, quite offended by the market analogy, given I'm late 30's and until recently was single. I think I'm a very appetising offering, thanks very much !

I do think there is a element of people in their 30's rushing a bit.

However also I agree with when it's right it's right. I was with my ex for ages - 6 years before moving in, and it didn't make any difference to the eventual success of the relationship.

SoThatHappened Fri 11-Mar-16 16:22:54

Gosh, quite offended by the market analogy, given I'm late 30's and until recently was single. I think I'm a very appetising offering, thanks very much !

so was I a bit offended. Wilted bruised and the best bits of me have gone hey? sad

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 11-Mar-16 16:24:58

I used to think that you should take your time, be careful, not rush . . .but if it feels right, then why not go for it?

I was with my ex for 8 years before we bought a house . . .then we split up. you don't know what is around the corner, so I say just follow your heart.

BUT . . . .on the flip side, it is quite easy to rush past the exciting, dating, first bit, when you are all excited and cant wait to spend time together. it can become very quickly all about bills and what day the bins go out! . . .

Toomuchinfo1 Fri 11-Mar-16 16:27:05

PS . . .I am definitely not wilted and bruised!! I think women can be in there prime when they reach their 30's and beyond!

I feel better now than I did in my 20s!

Oysterbabe Fri 11-Mar-16 16:33:35

There's no correct answer, every person and relationship is different. Met my partner 2.5 years ago. We're married and have a 10 week old baby. We're very happy and couldn't care less what anyone else thinks.

CurlyhairedAssassin Fri 11-Mar-16 16:39:47

Are you sure your friends are not just trying to give you a gentle hint that they don't think he's right for you?

I don't think the timescale is too soon if you're very sure about how you feel about each other. I met DH when I was 23 and we got engaged a year later then moved in 2 month after that. Saved up for another 2 years and got married. Still together after 19 years together. When you know, you know. I was a very god judge of character and had high standards and wouldn't have cared if I had not ever settled down. I certainly wouldn't have just moved in with anyone. Me and DH just went together really well and both knew we wants to spend the rest of our lives together No question.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now