OLD - man chatting regularly but not meeting, what to do...?

[Destinysdaughter]

I 'met' a guy online about a month ago, we've had lots of chats on whatsapp and on paper we seem pretty compatible. He doesn't live near me, half hour train journey away. He says he wants to meet but always seems too busy. At one point I asked him outright if he was married/attached and he said no, just had a lot on. He runs his own business, some kind of investment thing. He texts me every single day, has talked about things we could do together and seems pretty honest but I'm getting fed up with it now. We were going to meet this Friday but he's said he's got an American colleague with him, but 'should be able to meet soon'. I feel like saying, actually let's leave it as I don't feel like you really want to meet but maybe I should give him a chance and at least meet in person? There may not be any chemistry anyway but there's only one way of knowing. What should I do...?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Meet others. No eggs in one basket. When he's free meet up and see if he's ok.

But meet others.

[Destinysdaughter]

Thanks for that. I don't come across many pp online that I feel compatible with but yes, you're right, I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.

Problem with OKCupid is that the majority of men who contact me are either 20 years younger than me or live in the Middle East/USA etc!

[rookiemere]

Withdraw. Take longer to respond to his messages, be a bit briefer, don't instigate conversations.
If he wants to meet you he'll figure out that you're losing interest and he'll need to do it soon.
And yes look for other people - I met DH through online dating, but that was a long time ago, so I'm not au fait with which sites are good, but if the one you're on isn't working for you then you could move on to others.

[Destinysdaughter]

Good advice all, thanks. So should I not say anything then, just withdraw a bit...?

[MrTCakes]

I was chatting to someone like this - messaging a lot but never any real plans to meet unless it was last minute. Turned out he was in a LTR and fitting me in when his girlfriend was busy.
I would just withdraw if I was you. If he is genuine and likes you he will make the time for you.

[ImperialBlether]

Have you spoken on the phone? I always think they're married unless they give you full permission to call them whenever you want.

[Destinysdaughter]

That's why I asked him directly if he was married as I was starting to get suspicious. He said no, if you ask this directly and they say no, surely you have to believe them?

Anyhow, disengaging, chatting to others and not getting over invested in this is the way to go.

[SoThatHappened]

You dont live in London do you?

Half an hour in the capital by train is round the corner. Not far at all and no excuse.

[DarrenHardysDrongo]

When I read posts like this I often think they're married and just OLD for the lolz or chancing their arm. I see you've already asked him outright and he said no.
Also, if he's too busy to meet now, he'll probably be too busy to meet if you start dating him!
Or he could be a scammer. His business being an 'investment thing' sets off alarm bells for me. Before you know it he may be asking you for a little investment to help him out so he can meet you.
I'd bin him off and concentrate on others. Only engage with him again if he's got a definite plan to meet.

[peaceoftheaction]

A single man in need of sex a relationship would be all over it imho.
He may be in a relationship but not married

[bb888]

He could have other people he is talking to and be waiting to see how that works out before he meets you?

[Destinysdaughter]

No I used to live in London so I know what you mean about half an hour not being far away. However I'm in the Midlands now so actually it is quite a distance. ( think Birmingham to Milton Keynes)

I really don't think he's a scammer but there's still something that doesn't sit quite right about it...

[Mag314s]

They're not all always married. That's such a simplification. The ones who are married will want to meet up for sex, they don't need the companionship

I've been emailing one man who's definitely not married. We met a while ago. We were supposed to go again, then didn't, so it was left suspended with no classification of platonic or romantic. Now months later we are emailing again and I think, the hunch I get is that he is genuinely torn, make the effort to go out and meet somebody or remind yourself that you're fine really, radio 4 is so goodd

[Trills]

He said no, if you ask this directly and they say no, surely you have to believe them?

Er, not really. Anyone who was married would obviously lie.

If he's on online dating then the answer to "are you married?" will be the same whether he is married or single.

This man does not sound as if he is making your life better.

[Destinysdaughter]

If he is seeing other pp how do I find out?

[brabit]

I had this once before.

He wasn't married but he has emotional problems.

He was happy with a fantasy online relationship but meeting was hard. In the end he did meet me, twice, red hot actually, then he went AWOL again.

In the end I got very confused and walked away.

He messaged me a couple of days ago after not hearign from him for a year and he just said he was confused. Both wanted a relaitonship and was used to being single. Said he wanted another chance! No thanks!

A lot of messed up people hide behind the keys of a computer!

[Destinysdaughter]

I agree if he was married and just wanted to meet up for sex, he'd definitely have made the effort to meet by now!!

[MrTCakes]

Sorry to sound harsh but why does it matter if he is talking to other people? You haven't even met. I think you have invested too much by talking every day for a month when he can't even find the time to meet you for a quick drink. I think you are right to chat to others and leave him to it.
This is supposed to be the fun bit by the way, arranging the first dates and looking forward to it! Not feeling like you are hassling him for a date. There will be men out there who will make the time for you.

[suspiciousofgoldfish]

Destiny, I am quite the fan of OLD (met my DH that way), but I have several male friends who are on there too.

Almost all of them have been through phases where they just chat to women online for something to do - a bit of time to kill. Depressingly none of them ever actually met up with these women.

I don't understand it and I always ask them why they bother chatting every day to women they have no intention of meeting and they can't really give me an answer. Bored, seeking a bit of attention, nice to have someone to talk to..... They would make wonderful pen friends.

It's very sad. Sad pathetic, not sad boo hoo.

Text a little less and be open to offers from other men. Don't invest too much in someone you've never met.

[DarrenHardysDrongo]

Sometimes the married/partnered men (and perhaps women too) go on OLD just to talk to other women, it seems to help them believe they've still got it. Whatever it is.

[DarrenHardysDrongo]

xpost with goldfish

[Destinysdaughter]

Hmmm so should I text him saying thanks but I don't get the feeling you really want to meet so let's leave it...?

[Destinysdaughter]

Weirdly, a few days after chatting online, he mentioned going on holiday abroad ( re an interest we both have in common ) for a month! He'd even created a spreadsheet with all the places we'd go to!

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Other people have had the same experience as me! Some of them were attached I think, and some just weren't ready for relationships for whatever reason. Just because they're OLD doesn't mean they're actually in a good place to date, even if they think they are! My advice would be move on, cut your losses. I 'spoke' on some level to about 200 people OLD. I only ever met one. 3 years later, he is DF :)