Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know if I can get over it..

(16 Posts)
Beautifulworld22 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:31:53

Ok so, long story short but hopefully it gives you an idea.

My husband cheated on me with a girl at work. It was a "drunken kiss" that was witnessed by a work colleague on a work do. My husband decided to tell me this when I was 8 months pregnant plagued by the fact that the work colleague would tell of his secret that happened 2 years prior just before we got married.
The girl is a trollop who is complete opposite to me, and is a bike at work who sleeps with her own best friends boyfriends and even husbands behind their back.
At the time I spoke to the girl and she said it takes two to snog etc.

Anyway, we had our son and I thought I was over it. I was assured by my H that he wouldn't be partnered with her at work (he's in the force) and that he would only have to speak to her on a professional level only.

This did in turn affect the way I want to be with him. I don't enjoy snogging as every time I close my eyes I picture him with her. Considering we now have a 2 year old finding the time and energy to have that sexual time is difficult enough as it is. However it's just heightened.

I love him so much but I'm scared if I don't pull me weight in the bedroom then I'll lose him. At the same time I keep thinking why do I have to succumb to his requests all the time when I feel like this?

The latest news is that he is going out with the lads at work tomorrow evening and the girl is there with her mates. Even though she's there he isn't going to speak to her. Although I know, a few drinks he chats to his own worst enemy. I have told him how I feel about him going but says he wouldn't do anything again as he has so much to lose now, however I can't help but feel he isn't actually considering my feelings with her being there!

I wouldn't want to stop him living his life and enjoying it but at the same time I have this small ounce of me worried it'll happen again.

I'm so prepared for it to happen I have my back up plan in the back of my mind. I won't give him another chance and that's that.

Do You think I should just keep moving forward and forget the mistake? Or move ob completely? I'm so confused! We have been together 10 years, married 4.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 10-Mar-16 18:46:38

10 years is a long time. Have you considered couples counselling if you want to move on but are struggling?

Personally if my husband had a drunken kiss, I'd let it go and move on. Any more than that and he'd be out the door our marriage would be over.

Why do you feel like you have to pull your weight in the bedroom? Does your husband make you feel this way or is this the way you make yourself feel?

In regards to him going out tomorrow, it's a work night out so I like you wouldn't object to him going. Your husband and the girl work together so they see each other at work (I assume) so can't see that being a problem.

you say your prepared in your head for it to happen. Do you not believe he wouldn't do anything else with this girl?
In your 10 years together part from the drunken kiss has there been any other cheating?
Can you say you trust your husband?

Beautifulworld22 Thu 10-Mar-16 20:00:28

He won't speak to anyone - doesn't think it's worth it and it won't help. But won't try it. I think we do need to speak to someone that is that middle man.

Some days I feel trapped and controlled by him, he likes things done his way or I get moaned at. I'm much like my mum when I reason in the middle and just get on with things to keep the peace. He doesn't check my phone in that way controlling or moan about how I dress etc.

I don't know, he's very sexually charged! Always has been and needs attention in some way every couple of days. I on the other hand since having a child am just so exhausted and I feel sex is the last thing on my mind even though I know that it's needed! Maybe that's just the stubbornness in me.

Truth is, I know that I wouldn't cheat and he knows that. I think sometimes he may be living through his own guilt?

I do think I trust him, it's just when he has a drink, it'll get out of hand when he's with the boys and it'll be shots and all sorts of mixtures but he doesn't remember getting home so how can I trust the fact he hasnt kissed anyone when he doesn't remember! You know? Maybe I think it plays on my mind what else could he have done.

He absolutely stands by that I'm his world and would do anything for me but maybe it's just me being cynical and thinking he's just saying that To keep me sweet.

I don't have a reason to think he's cheated other than that, I would know I think...but saying that I didn't know when this occasion happened until he told me!!

No other cheating other than this drunk kiss which some days he "claims" happens and then other days says it was a mistake. So it's either you know it happened or it didn't?

I'm just so confused!

I'm such a pessimist. I never want to look on the bright side as I'm so worried to be let down and once I find a reason to be let down or hurt I stick with it and never stay positive.

Sorry if that wasn't enough info. I need someone on the outside looking in to help cast their opinion.

Beautifulworld22 Thu 10-Mar-16 20:06:13

And he knows that if it happens again, I'm gone. End of. No second chances. Whether I find out the next day or 10 years later.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 10-Mar-16 23:16:08

Its a difficult one when you love somebody but have a little niggle in the back of your mind about something.
I can imagine it is sometimes difficult to look on the bright side when you are worried about being let down.

If he has always maintained it was only a kiss then only you can decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and learn to completely trust him again.

You've made it clear to him that there are no more chances and as long as he believes this, that should make him think twice if he was ever was tempted.

I think when men have always wanted sex, been very sexual once there is a baby sometimes they don't understand how tiring it is to look after a baby. I think lack of sex is something these men struggle with. Do you have like a date night once a month? Go out without baby and have some fun? Or do you have any family that would babysit? Even without sex sometimes there is still kissing,cuddling watching a film just to feel close?

I totally get the worry about when his had a few drinks, I always think of men as pack animals when in a group or a case of follow the leader. My husband is a very posh well presented guy but put him in a group of guys from work and you wouldn't believe the change.

Do you have a friend you can confide in?

Would you consider attending a counselling service like relate on your own for a few sessions? It might help to be able to say anything with no judgement and talking to an outsider can work wonders.

penguinplease Thu 10-Mar-16 23:22:20

You have massive trust issues you need to address and he needs to support you and help you with that as his behaviour is the reason you feel insecure.

However, whether she is a 'trollop' or not is irrelevant, he chose to kiss her and its not her fault he was disloyal to you.

Isetan Fri 11-Mar-16 08:48:23

Actions speak louder than words, if you are supposedly his world then why is seeing a counsellor so difficult for him? I'll tell you why, it's because his 'world' doesn't include putting himself in situations that would make him uncomfortable (you are a part of his world but not a priority in it). This man's sense of fucking entitlement is astonishing and despite what you say, I can see why you don't trust him.

And another thing, your H didn't snog this woman because he was drunk or because she was 'easy', he did it and lied about it because he wanted to. You can't have it both ways, he can't be a victim of circumstance (alcohol fuelled evening in the vicinity of an 'easy' woman) whilst planning an alcohol fuelled evening in the vicinity of an easy woman.

Belikethat Fri 11-Mar-16 08:58:40

It seems odd that he confessed to a kiss that happened two years previously and waited till you were about to give birth. Are you sure it was just a drunken snog? I would be worried that was all it was tbh.

If that's all it genuinely was and you have been together ten years you should think about putting it to rest. I suppose the question is do you actually trust him?

Only1scoop Fri 11-Mar-16 09:02:44

Find it odd how it came out when you were heavily pregnant and you spoke to her?

Do you think it was just a kiss why do you think it came out. What bought it up?

whatdoIget Fri 11-Mar-16 09:11:04

Eww at 'needs attention every couple of days'
Do your needs matter to him, op?

whatdoIget Fri 11-Mar-16 09:12:27

Your husband is the trollop in this situation anyway. He was the married one.

Suddenlyseymour Fri 11-Mar-16 09:39:48

It sounds like you feel he needs to be "serviced" by you "every couple of days" which, if you aren't 100% up for, is basically coercion?

PatriciaHolm Fri 11-Mar-16 09:56:43

So he pressures you for sex when you don't want it?

He doesn't sound like a very nice man at all.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 11-Mar-16 13:50:22

He sounds just delightful, 'needs attention in some way every couple of days', really?! You're relationship sounds very one sided with him calling the shots & you just going along with whatever for a quiet life. This isn't good & you can't possibly be happy. If he wont entertain counselling have you thought about going alone, just for you?

BolshierAryaStark Fri 11-Mar-16 13:50:53

Your not you're, ffs

BitOutOfPractice Fri 11-Mar-16 13:59:28

Is he sorry. Had he shown remorse? Has he done everything he can to make you feel loved, respected, secure? Is he respectful of your feelings? If the answer is no to any of those then you are flogging a dead horse.

Also, save your anger and distain for your Dh. Slagging off the ow like that achieves nothing.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now