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Lonely affectionless marriage

(24 Posts)
Nicolebelle Thu 10-Mar-16 15:45:29

Iv been with my husband for 6 years married for 4. I'm 31 he's 46. At the start things where good. But for the past 2.5 years he has showed me no affection. I know what you're thinking he's showed you some but believe me honestly I mean none. If I want a hug I have to go to him and he will reluctantly give me one. He never ever makes the first move.he will never kiss me first or touch me I mean like place his hand on mine touch the small of my back my hair nothing he doesn't touch me. Intimacy does not happen unless I make the first move. I will go and kiss him and I get a Half hearted response there is zero passion or want or need. In bed I will hug him he lets me do this for a few mins (I get nothing back) and he will say you're making me to hot p off.

He never asks how my day has been. I ask him everyday when he gets in from work because I'm genuinely interested. I honestly can't remember the last time he said I looked pretty or paid me a compliment years ago. I'll say things like that shirt colour looks good on you or you butt looks great in those trousers but I get nothing back from him. I feel really unattractive but I know I'm alright looking.

I have spoke to hubby several times about this and he always brings it back to the fact my kids are Lazy. My kids are 8 and 14 yes they could do more but they help a bit and he is constantly on their backs he's so negitive. And he says that is why I don't get affection because my kids are lazy. I just don't get it.

We live abroad and my son is in the last 18 mo this of secondary school so I don't want to upend him at a critical part of his education but I don't know what to do I'm crying typing this because I'm so starved of affection from the one person I want it from most. I'm so sad I hug myself so tight in bed and imagine it's my husband. I don't know what to do . Please someone just help me

OP’s posts: |
Zaphodsotherhead Thu 10-Mar-16 16:00:06

No advice that I can offer, since my relationship sounds pretty much the same, so all I can offer is sympathy. It's a lonely place, isn't it? I think you'll find that you aren't alone in this situation - men not wanting to touch their partners seems to be surprisingly common.

Nicolebelle Thu 10-Mar-16 16:48:31

I just don't understand. I'm very affectionate I always have been its part of me and I feel starved. Iv never totally understood why woman cheat but honestly just to have someone anyone desire me sounds good right about now

OP’s posts: |
mrscee Sun 13-Mar-16 16:36:08

I too can totally understand how you feel. It's a lonely old place, I feel like my husband is my housemate rather than my partner. When he holds my hand on the very rare occasion it shocks me! I shouldn't feel like this. I'm an affectionate person so I'm always hugging my children. I just need to feel loved and touched by him. It's the hardest thing ever. I hope someone can offer you some advice but I just wanted you to know that there are people out there that understand x

WhoWasMaryJane Sun 13-Mar-16 18:06:28

I think it's a personality type issue.

Some people are naturally affectionate, often raised in a house of cuddles and touch and warmth. Affection to them is natural and a display of love.

Other people hate (yes hate) non-sexual physical touch. They don't like hugs, cuddles or warmth. It makes them feel "yeugh!!". They have no interest in non-sexual affection because it does nothing for them and therefore they don't reciprocate.

I think it's a compatability issue OP in terms of the affection. Add to that that he isn't interested in you (how was your day) - why are you with him?

QuiteLikely5 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:18:08

What an unpleasant man! Deflecting his own shortcomings on to your children!

Don't be too hard on your dc as most teens are lazy!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 13-Mar-16 18:45:14

Why are you and he still together at all now?. What do you get from this relationship?. Did you leave the UK anyway due to his job?.

I think your H and you now need to be apart. He blames his children (and in turn you as their mother) for his own shortcomings. This is clearly a person who never apologises nor accepts any responsibility for their actions.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here?. They are learning a lot of damaging lessons.

Apart from their dad's lack of relationship with them your children are likely also all too aware that there are problems between mum and dad. Do not keep on doing your bit to show them that an affectionless and loveless marriage will be their "norm" too. Think about what lessons you want to teach them about relationships.

There is never a "good time" to leave and you will always find some reason to put off leaving; this time you cite your eldest child's education. He still has 18 months of secondary school to go so exams are not imminent; its not too late to start to make an exit plan from this marriage.

Have you as yet sought legal advice re separation and your situation as it stands; would you be able readily to return to the UK with your children?.

redannie118 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:53:28

Hes punishing you op. He knows how miserable it makes you and carries it on because he gets a kick out of hurting you, its his way of controlling you. He has absolutely no right to do this to you because he is angry at something else, this is his issue not yours. I think you need to sit him down and say to him that you know he is doing this deliberately to hurt you and you will not accept it any longer. It will never get better op, tell him you are leaving as you and you children deserve much more, and mean it

Chicago73 Sun 13-Mar-16 18:53:33

Completely sympathise my husband is exactly the same. I think his stems from his mum not showing any affection. WhoWasMaryJane is right it's a personality type issue and very deep rooted. I have tried over the years to talk about it but he doesn't do talking either. I literally married my opposite. Should have listened to my mum who hated him on first sight. 27 years later stuck in loveless marriage with several enormous underlying issues. Just joined mums net today hope to get the motivation to finally take the bully the horns and sort it all out one way or another! Sorry I couldn't help apart from to say it would be easier to jump to the moon than get someone to be someone they are not. Take care x

magpie17 Sun 13-Mar-16 20:20:06

My first marriage was like this, it was a major reason why we divorced. I'm not massively tactile but I couldn't live with no affection. Do you know why he behaves like this?

Nicolebelle Mon 14-Mar-16 13:57:00

Thanks everyone. The kids are my kids not his. we moved to Germany because of his job. Financially I have nothing my my English bank account as my wages are paid into our joint German account it would make moving back on my own near impossible. We are due to move back to the UK June 2017.
My sons started already studying for his GCSEs finding a school that does the same subjects and topics within those subjects would be unlikely. He's at a good English school with small classes here I feel it would be selfish of me to move him away just for my own happiness. Even though I know if I was living in the UK this relationship would be over.

We talked about the lack of affection issue on Wednesday it all blew up as it would but since Wednesday I'm determined not to go to him for affection. I'm not making the first move again I don't care how long it takes. It almost feels like something has shifted since last week....nearly that we are just friends now rather than partners.

OP’s posts: |
Nicolebelle Mon 14-Mar-16 14:00:50

When we talked about it on Wednesday he said he's like this because my kids don't do anything around the house they are lazy etc etc. And he's sick of nagging sick of not being listened to. He nags like no one I know. The kids do help out a bit but when they do he shoots them down saying they have done a rubbish job so now they are reluctant to help. Iv told him this and he just says well they did do a rubbish job. He never gives positive reinforcement. So apparently that's why there's no affection

OP’s posts: |
Jan45 Mon 14-Mar-16 14:04:27

You do realise that he's having a negative and toxic affect on your kids - the way he treats them is disgusting and you allow it!

You have two issues here: you are married to an unpleasant and unkind partner and two: he's taking his shit personality out on your kids.

There is only one thing you should be doing and that's to tell him to FO.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 14-Mar-16 14:18:30

You and he and not even friends; he is really your enemy.

He is a rubbish example of a stepfather to these children and your children are being profoundly affected by his behaviour towards them.

You're seeing this happen right in front of your eyes and you seem powerless to act. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships; your own inertia and fear here when it comes to your H is simply hurting you as well as them. A loveless marriage for them should not become their "norm" either. Do you really want your children to ask you longer term why you put him first instead of them?. They are looking to you to help them.

Is it not possible for you to have a sole name bank account into which your wages are paid?.

I would seek legal advice re separation asap along with a return to the UK far sooner than June 2017; exams can be retaken and they are not the be all and end all anyway. Its not frankly a good enough reason to stay within this at all, there is no good reason at all to stay within this.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 14-Mar-16 14:20:40

Open yourself a bank account in the UK and get your wages put in there.
Start making moves now to get back.
He is having a massive negative impact on the household, you and your DC.
That is NOT OK.
Do you have people in the UK who would help you out to start with?
It seems like a huge ask but you need to get away.
Talk to your son and see what he says about moving back this close to exams.
He probably wants away more than you do!

Or could you rent somewhere in Germany and just get yourself and your kids away from this unpleasant human?

Poppydo1 Sun 05-Jan-20 12:08:42

My husband is the same I'm 66 now and its worse than ever silly to think it will ever change it wont
Worried abought money and breakdown if marriage kept me
Now I hate myself for not haveing courage

MymbleClement Sun 05-Jan-20 12:58:06

You aren't alone OP. Previous posters are right. My own DH came from a background of neglect/abuse. He doesn't ever remember his mother cuddling him or comforting him. In contrast, my own upbringing wasn't perfect but there was a lot of warmth and physical affection. My whole family is very tactile and huggy. For me it's as natural and essential as breathing. I think it's easier to overlook this in the first flush/when you first have a baby etc. Further down the line it has certainly become a major issue for me. I practically have to beg for a cuddle. Usually he will jokingly push me away. If I'm upset, if anything he withdraws even more. Then he doesn't understand why I don't want sex. I need the other stuff to want sex. The flipside is that he can't be calmed or comforted with physical contact. I have told him this many many times and we can't get round it so I'm making plans to separate/divorce. I'm scared and wonder how I will manage three kids on my own but I already feel very lonely so I might as well be actually on my own.

MymbleClement Sun 05-Jan-20 13:02:20

Just realised this is an old thread. I wonder if the OP left...

RebelWithVerySharpClaws Sun 05-Jan-20 16:55:51

He is abusive, punishing you and your kids with his coldness and negativity. He does it on purpose OP, this is what abusers do - they fucking like it. It is so hard for non-abusers to understand because we could not hurt someone like that. He does it because it makes him feel powerful and great. Its not about your kids at all. Its about the abuser enjoying himself.

threesecrets Sun 05-Jan-20 17:14:53

Such an interesting thread. OP I share the same problem as you. I just keep putting up with it. Regularly cry myself to sleep though. So sad

rosabug Sun 05-Jan-20 22:00:33

Christ - you are 31 - so young - get out now. I'm 58, my marriage ended 3 years ago - I wish I had known that I would survive a breakup - I would have left at 40. But I too was caught in that cycle of being neglected (no where near as bad as you though). Don't be me. You have your whole life ahead of you - take control. You won't regret it but you WILL regret staying.

Cactusmum Sat 11-Jan-20 04:16:28

I can entirely empathise. :-( Im 18 yrs married to 53 yr old man, im 42. We haven't had sex in 4 yrs, he is pretty much entirely unaffectionate physically or emotionally. Very emotionally disconnected....But i suspect he is undiagnosed Aspergers. Hes a nice, generous and trusting person otherwise but i feel so alone and bereft and the prospect of the rest of my life without sex or affection is gut wrenching. Part of his problem is physical, he had a spinal tumour about 4 yrs ago that affected his nerves from upper chest down but its also low testosterone and i dont think he really understands what i lack and how i feel about it because hes not good at talking about emotions, he wont make eye contact and changes the topic to something random. I dont know what you need to do but like others have said you are so young you need to work out what you want now. I feel stuck, two teenage kids and no real options for me so im just living each year as I go.. making it work.

ArthurMorgan Thu 20-Aug-20 23:15:20

I wonder what happened with the op. My relationship sounds just the same

bakedoff Fri 21-Aug-20 04:12:57

I wonder if the OP is ok?

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