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Lack of intimacy.

(11 Posts)
Easyasabc123 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:11:19

I know it's a problem that comes up time and time again on here.

Me and DH have been married for 8 years and been together 15. We have a 6 year old DD and DH has an older child from his first marriage. He is 8 years older than me.

We started out as friends really but got together after a few years when both of us were single. Things started out ok (although never prolific) but have drifted over the years.

We have only had sex around 15 times since DD was born so you can work out from that how often things are. The last time was in July last year!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who has a high libido but I feel like we should really be more intimate than this as husband and wife and that we have become friends who parent a child together.

We have had a discussion about it and he thinks that I just never seem to want him and have only been concerned with being a mum since the little one was born. I suppose there is an element of truth in the early years especially when I found the role of being a mum all consuming. He also said our sex life was a bit dull and that he has tried to liven things up a bit but I just never seem to either buy into what he brings to the table or am too tired. When we were first together, we talked about past loves etc and he knows that I have done things that in his eyes were much more adventurous than what I will do now and can't understand why. Of course I was much younger then and a bit clueless so often went along with what BF's suggested and as I/they lived with parents some of the "adventurous' venues for intimacy were more a case of finding privacy more than need to have sex in different places if you know what I mean!

I accept some of what he is saying but I have always found discussing sex difficult as my parents were very strict Catholics and thought sex was for producing children! I could never talk to my mum about anything growing up.

He accepts his part in this and says that as things have drifted, he has lost the desire and that he does think l, like I do that we have settled into this parent role and become friends who live together.

It's all becoming a bit awkward now it's been that long. It's like the elephant in the room that nobody wants to address.

Has anybody been in this situation and come out the other side or is anyone living like this now? Are some people just not sexually compatible? I don't think there is a great deal of lust for each other nowadays. I don't fancy him like i did in the early days and I don't think he fancies me either. We do both love each other though and there have never been any signs of affairs as far as I can tell.

We are in our 40's by the way.


TheNaze73 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:26:06

I had a similar problem with my ex wife & we reached a compromise. She wanted it every day & I would be happy twice a week. We kind of informally settled on every other day & it felt better & more intimate fit talking about it. Hope you can get a resolution here, I have no idea how you've coped, thus far

Lilybensmum1 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:27:13

Hi OP yes I have been through this and we came out the other side, it coincided with having our 2 dcs also we rubbed along together for their sake. I honestly thought we would never be intimate again and almost didn't care, I convinced myself I didn't fancy him so put no effort in whatsoever.

Sometime last year things came to a head (so to speak!) and we decided to sort our relationship out or split, it was really hard work lots of tears and honesty but I can tell you it's worth it, I have never been happier and I honestly thought we were a lost cause so, what did we do?

We spoke honestly,
We introduced date night,
I made more of an effort to feel/look good and he did to,
We kissed and cuddled more,
Gave compliments and texted during the day,
I saw my DH as the man I got together with over 20 years ago not just my dcs father and realised I did still fancy him.
We got stuck in a rut but worked to see the good things in each other not just as parents. I'm Not saying we don't still have problems we do but we try to talk before it becomes too difficult.
Good luck I hope it works it is possible, If you believe you have something worth saving.

gottachangethename1 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:33:47

Watching this thread with interest. Me and dh in same situation. Still fancy him, but really bad anxiety problems and our mismatched work timetables mean that we dtd about once every six months! Now got to a stage where there's a definite change in our closeness. We're in our 40s and too young to be like this, but I don't know how to rectify things.

Easyasabc123 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:36:36

Thanks LBM.

It's reassuring to know i am not alone and that it can be resolved.

I really don't want to split up but I think we are heading that way if things continue the way they are. I just find it so difficult to talk about and also so difficult to let my deep rooted inhibitions go, hence the dullness of the act when it actually happens at all!

Thanks for your reply too TN73. I don't think it is compromise with us as I think we have got to the stage where it is on neither agenda!

Easyasabc123 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:39:34

gotta- there is in ours too. I feel like it's a mountain to climb but don't know the route!

Lilybensmum1 Thu 10-Mar-16 13:53:11

To rectify the situation you need to have 'the talk' which is really really hard. I confess I had a wine or too and my DH felt the same. Without doing this things really won't change, we were in the same situation months without dtd and I hated being touched or cuddled. I think I just felt like a mum I had lost my purpose and pushed DH away so eventually he gave in initiating and stopped trying.

Initially I felt relieved but then realised I didn't want to live like this forever, things have definatley improved we have some sort or physical contact at least 3 times per week, this has brought us so close I had no idea that sex had such an impact on a relationship. It was initially boring but then I let my guard down and things have improved dramatically. It's such a lovely connection to have with someone. I hope it never changes, but it is continuous work.

AgathaF Thu 10-Mar-16 14:07:58

Are you physically close in other ways - kiss, hold hands when out or watching tv, hugs? If you had a bad back would he give you a massage and vice versa? Do you spend time together being 'grown-ups' - evenings out, cinema, fun times together?

Easyasabc123 Thu 10-Mar-16 14:36:36

We will got out for meals etc but tend to just chat about day to day stuff etc. We are not hugely physically close. We do hug and kiss etc but more of a peck than a full blown snog! Can't think of the last time we did that!

We are like two really good friends who met as friends and have continued in this way over the years. Even at the start it we were never rampant but I would say we have gone from once a week, to once a fortnight, to once a month, to once every 6 months over the time we have been together.

I'm not sure that it's a simple case of getting back to what we had because we never had much in the first place.

I am just starting to feel that this isn't usual and there is definitely the case of the less you have the less you miss it generally, or certainly in my case.

There is an element of "have we both missed out on a passionate relationship somewhere else and settled for a co-parenting friendship type relationship" in the way I am thinking currently. My friends all think that our relationship and lack of intimacy is a bit unusual Which has made me question it more!

AgathaF Thu 10-Mar-16 15:49:14

Do you both want to change your relationship? Do you think he would be committed to doing that? If you're both happy as you are then it's not a problem. Obviously if one of you wants something more or different, then you could be storing up a problem for the future.

Do you see both of you together in the same way in ten years time, or do you think that if nothing changes then it is inevitable that you will split?

You said upthread that you had a discussion about it - it sounds like he was fairly negative, and blaming of you for the problem. Although you mention that he accepts his part in it, it seems as though he is saying that his part in the problem was as a result of you.

Easyasabc123 Thu 10-Mar-16 16:01:32

Yes, we have talked and I do feel that he was quick to pin the blame and although I accept I am less than perfect in this, I don't think it is all down to me. I think we have both just given up a bit in this area leading to the current apathy. When I say current it clearly has gone on for a while!

Problem with this is I have stopped fancying him as much now and I think him me too. He never compliments me and I suppose I don't him either. I have never been that bothered by the lack of sex but as I have got older I seem to be thinking about it more. I can't understand why.

As for the adventurous side, he associates past escapades with me being really adventurous yet it wasn't like that at all. I didn't instigate much of that and just went along with it because I didn't know any better.

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