Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If your marriage broke down was there a final straw or a creeping realisation it would have to end?

(20 Posts)
cochlear Wed 03-Jan-07 13:43:20

It is such a big deal to get divorced especially with children involved.

Many people soldier on in unsatisfactory marriages.

What made those of you who got divorced actually go for it and stop putting up with things?

Are you glad you did?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 03-Jan-07 14:05:05

When he told my children that I was leaving them to go and live in Sweden with a younger man, that was a fairly thick straw tbh. The youngest is only nine and it made him cry.

(For the record: no, I'm not going to live in Sweden and I do not have a young man lined up, more's the pity. I was in fact playing an online computer game at the time and was talking with four gamepals about the dungeon we were exploring.)

maycontainstress Wed 03-Jan-07 14:21:15

Well, I kept telling myself that it shouldn't be normal to be lonely in a marriage and desperately unhappy. I soldiered on for 3 years after he had first cheated on me, until he decided I wasn't 'enough' for him.

We have 2 DTS. Our lives are a gazillion times better without him. I managed and millions do.

After 2 years apart with bleeding heart, I now have a fantabulous DP. He is my dream man. Don't put up with misery for the sake of anything. I wish I'd ended it the first time he cheated. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

eidsvold Thu 04-Jan-07 06:25:14

i guess when my ex-dh walked out on me to be with my best friend that he had been having an affair with the whole time we were married.

I was left with lots of debts etc and he applied for divorce - she was pregnant and lots of pressure form his family for them to be 'respectable' and get married.

At the time I was in shock and upset - as you can imagine BUT now - best thing that ever happened to me - funnily I can't imagine being married to him now iyswim.

zippitippitoes Thu 04-Jan-07 07:22:15

I was lonely, couldn't see things getting better vis a vis years of trying to get exh to have less of a short fuse and actually appear to love/like me and want to spend time with me and the children without losing his temper being stressed and creating a horrible atmosphere.

tried every which way to make things better and find things for us to be a family together a good friend and partner to him etc but his aggressive/angry/impatient nature was in the end too hard to bear.

yes final straw was repeated times when he didn't come home until following day, realisation that I was shouting at the children because they would otherwise be shouted at by him and the dread and fear we all felt when he came home and we heard the key in the lock as we never knew what mood he would be in.

His drinking too much and then losing his temper.

Final straw i had a serious mental health breakdown which was directly related to trying so hard to make things ok.

He kicked dd2 when she was sitting on the floor one day and had made us late all leaving to have a nice day out together. I said if he ever did it again i would divorce him.

Before the end of the worst year of my life i had left him and moved in with my new partner and whenever I wonder if I could have turned things around done differently it's not usually very long before exh somehow reminds me of his true colours.

We were together for 23 years. Apart now 7 years.

persephonesnape Thu 04-Jan-07 08:17:56

i felt a bit lonely due to exp being withdrawn and not seeking help for what turned out to be depression. we all moved from my dream house ina beautiful village backinto Glasgow because he missed his friends. then it turned out teh friend he missed most was a friend i idn't know at all, who he had been nailing for the last six months or so. we broke up. he's now a hopeless jobless alcoholic and I'm happy, working full time with three gorgeous children that i bring up virtually single handed and that i take the credit for. financially it's tough. it's getting a lot easier now that they're older and i can grab some me time (ds2 was u/1 when he left) I don't have any family living nearby and it can be constricting to put other people first, but i was doing that with xp when we were together anyway, and thats what having a family is about IMHO.

cochlear Thu 04-Jan-07 18:58:15

you women are amazing.
I have tears in my eyes reading your stories.

Judy1234 Thu 04-Jan-07 19:14:15

Gradual over the whole 19 year marriage, just getting worse and worse particularly his behaviour, criticism, negativity. When each of the 3 older children individually had been exhorting me to divorce him and I was staying with him for the sake of the children I realised it was silly to stay married. He very much wanted to stay together.

suzycreamcheese Thu 04-Jan-07 19:24:33

some tales ladies, you are credit to yourselves ..coming over all religious here !
inner strength best food forward n'all that!

charliecat Thu 04-Jan-07 19:31:39

Tear here too. Well done for not putting up with misery.

Judy1234 Thu 04-Jan-07 19:39:53

I expect we're all being very one sided and the other halves would have just as much criticism of us.

suzycreamcheese Thu 04-Jan-07 21:15:20

xenia probably, but you only have your own truth of the matter ever..

cochlear Thu 04-Jan-07 21:45:56

xenia and zippit you describe the creeping realisation very well. WWhat made you actually think " enough"?

I think you describe a common pattern.Why do you think some men are so negative towards their wives ?( my ex bil was like this to my sister)

It is almost as if they want to stamp them down in case the women get above themselves by being cleverer, nicer, richer, more popular, whatever, than the men.

Xenia interesting point but what other side of the story could such a man have to tell? That his wife was not grumpy or negative enough?

Or am I being simplistic?

Judy1234 Thu 04-Jan-07 22:56:40

I am afraid I find the anti male stuff on mumsnet almost unbearable at times on all kinds of topics from sex to who should be allowed contact with children after divorce to criticism of husbands. I think men and women are equally as objectionable on this planet and a lot of marriages break up because of women's behaviour as much as men's. Thsi is one reason in real life I don't often socialise with women at all - I can't stand the man bashing. Having got that off my chest.....

The final straw? I saw a lawyer to see where I'd stand but still decided to stay married. Then his slight physical violence was worse, depression, suicidal, just being very aggressive etc, children fed up with shouting, we had one last holiday in teh Caribbean as a family and the children and I felt we needed to be with him in shifts because it was so awful. It felt like taking someone away who is impossible to be with, that you felt like you needed respite care away from just to keep your sanity. That's when I decided. Told him as soon as we got home but he would have known things weren't right before then.

I just got to the point of did I want to spend the next 40 years with this person. He may be perfectly okay with someone else however and he has lots of good points. I hope he finds someone.

hiddentreasure Fri 05-Jan-07 19:38:00

I can see Xenia's point about being anti-male, of course lots of marriages break up through incompatability of two relatively normal people, rather than one of the partners being awful and the other having to put up with them. Although when you're in it it may look like he's being outrageously unreasonable and you are being a saint!

In my case it wasn't an event that made me go for it, it was more a moment when my strength and resolution were strong, coming at the end of a long period of consideration and thinking about the logsitics including solo counselling. There was a tiny insignificant event that triggered the moment, but it wasn't the event that made the difference it was the mental place I was in.

ChristyC Thu 21-Jun-07 12:07:57

Three weeks ago, after my husband getting too drunk in the pub on Bank Holiday Monday (had started as a lovely family day, bouncy castle, BBQ, great company)and I had been waiting to leave for 2 hours and he was so steaming(again) that I had to guide him out of the door, I realised I had had enough. It was the next morning, I opened the curtains and looked up into the beautiful clear blue sky that seemed to go on forever and this realisation hit me right in the forehead - I can't do this anymore. He hadn't behaved particually badly the previous day, although he had done so plenty in the past, but his lack of considoration for me and the kids, and his lack of respect for us had shamed me. After all, he is my choice, this is the man I have chosen and so how does that reflect on me? It was the straw that broke the camels back, the one drip too many that made the glass overflow and I think it had been creeping up on me for quite some time. Once the thought is in your head that you can't carry on, then its pretty hard to supress. I'm still in turmoil, am I doing the right thing? I don't have the answers unfortunately.

choosyfloosy Thu 21-Jun-07 12:13:42

Before children so less relevant. More of a creeping realisation I suppose that I had been extremely naive to marry him with a major issue unresolved (by the time we actually married he had stated to me that he would never want children). I thought I loved him enough for this not to matter. I had no idea how hard the desire for children would hit me once I was happy and settled.

I do blame myself for virtually frogmarching him into marriage and for knowing myself so little, so that I ended up hurting him badly. It took me four years of thinking about it every single day to decide to end it. There were other problems but none of them as important as this one.

Listmaker Thu 21-Jun-07 12:31:26

My ex-dp had been having an affair but I stuck it out for 6 months after finding out as I thought maybe we should stick it out for the dcs and also I had a baby and no certain job prospects.

One day I found out he had been in touch with some new woman on the internet and I monitored the e-mails for a bit and then e-mailed her to tell her we existed. I then saw a message where he was apologising to her when he had NEVER apologised to me for all he'd done to wreck our relationship. And that was it. I rang him at work and said he could move out now as I'd had enough!

I kind of knew I'd come out better off than him as he had all kinds of issues etc. I was on my own for 4.5 years but then met the most wonderful man and got married 2 months ago. He is a raging alcoholic with no job and no home!

It was really tough - I was lucky having a good job and lots of support from parents etc. But I was so much happier once he had gone as he was always so miserable and I just knew I deserved more. Now I feel the luckiest woman alive!

I was almost glad really though that he had the affairs and stuff because it meant I had justification in calling it quits. Otherwise maybe I'd still be with him and struggling on for the sake of the dds which would have been hell.

They have had no contact with him for 6 years and that has been tough for my older dd. She is sensitive and hates being different from the other kids. She seems happier now she has a step-dad. Dd2 didn't know her Dad at all (she's 7) and is a different character anyway and seems completely unbothered (is that a word?!).

I think if you're really unhappy then you should split as you could have a chance of real happiness in the future.

Good luck anyway.

Listmaker Thu 21-Jun-07 12:32:52

I mean that my ex-p is an alcoholic not my dh . Must read posts better!

lemonstartree Thu 21-Jun-07 18:39:04

i think i am having a creeping realisation that i am married to a man i neither like nor respect any longer. i do not know if there is any point at all in continuing to try.

i guess its when a 'bad patch' becomes normality and there is no where else to go having been at marriage guidance for a year

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now