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Can't get over his infidelity and it's turning me into a bitch

(19 Posts)
WasabiNell Wed 09-Mar-16 15:18:56

I don't know what to do sad. In December I found 2 years worth of messages on DPs phone to a woman who he had met on a lads weekend away abroad. I messaged her (without his knowledge so he couldn't prewarn her) and said I was his girlfriend and had seen all the messages and could she please tell me what had gone on the night they met. She was mortified, said she had no idea he had a girlfriend and said they had kissed. One of the messages refers to 'the long deep chat' they had by the pool until the early hours of the morning. And all his subsequent messages pretending to be single and being flirty just make me feel sick still. She is abroad so I know they haven't met since.

I lost my shit at DP, we split up for a few weeks but got back together. He is really trying, his moody behaviour has improved and his overall treatment of me is better. He said he didn't consider our relationship that serious before and acknowledges he treated me like shit before but now wants to move in with me etc (which he never wanted to do previously). He has deleted the woman off Facebook. But now I'm stuck in this cycle of feeling like I'm over it and being happy again and then I'll suddenly remember and get upset and cry or get fucking furious and shout at him and ask why I wasn't good enough. I never really got answers as to why he did it when we split but we had another talk a few weeks ago and he admits he messaged her to stroke his ego and enjoyed the attention.

I go through periods where I'm really affectionate towards him and others (like today) where I'm off and short with him and just hate him for what he's done and what kind of person he's made me. But I know if we were to split again I would be upset and want him back sad. Whenever we argue I bring it up and he's asking me when I'll get over it and if I'm going to bring it up forever.

Can I get over this and move past it or will I always harbour this resentment?

TheNaze73 Wed 09-Mar-16 16:21:40

I think you may be able to forgive but, not forget. I'm zero tolerance on cheating, so would have to end it. There is never an acceptable excuse for it. I think it'll always be there, in your head, by the way you're talking

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 09-Mar-16 16:27:51

How long have you been with DP? Do you believe his excuse? Do you think you know everything?

For some people, it is possible to forgive this kind of thing. For others, it's not. Only time will tell, really.

If it was me, I think the deceit of knowing he had a secret relationship and was pretending to be single for two years would be difficult, as well as him meeting her. His excuse seems weak and doesn't really take responsibility. That would bother me. His lack of understanding and caring about how his stupid behaviour has hurt you would bother me, too. He caused this.

Do you think if she was accessible to him, he'd be continuing the affair?

Anomaly Wed 09-Mar-16 16:31:45

You don't live together, I presume that you don't have children together I would tell him where to go. Don't what ever you do let him move in now.

Itsallaswizz Wed 09-Mar-16 16:36:21

So he stopped because you found out? Not because he chose to? I think that would be it for me. If he had been honest then yes,maybe I could forgive but not if I caught him out. I couldn't forgive the dishonesty. I would be a bitch too, not who i am (honest!) and not the kind of person I want to be. No, don't move in together, you'll regret it.

littleleftie Wed 09-Mar-16 16:40:11


He flirted with this woman for two whole years whilst you were together?

How long have you been together? Why does he suddenly want to move in with you now? Not to sound snide but does it suit him now?

Assuming you have no DC together,and bearing in mind that you don't really have any other ties, I would ditch him and move on.

Emmiy Wed 09-Mar-16 16:52:51

Do you really think there was no sex involved? If you are boyfriend and girlfriend and he hasn't made a commitment to you by now then it shows that what he is saying is his truth. He didn't think he was serious about you so was keeping his options open. If he had been serious about you he would have talked of engagement or moving in together before now. Sounds like he is talking about moving in together now in panic.

Couples can of course get over this sort of thing and move on. But in choosing to move on you have to let go of the past and start a new relationship that is better than the old one. Until people have been through infidelity they do not know how they will react. We all say that we would never tolerate cheating but until it actually happens to us, we just don't know how we would feel. If you decide to move on then you really have to let go of the past and not mention it again. Otherwise it will be the undoing to your new relationship and eat away at it. I wouldn't let him move in with you though. I would give yourself a period of time, say 6 months to see how you feel before committing any further to this man.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Wed 09-Mar-16 16:57:02

He's the one who was unfaithful yet the problem is yours and you need to get over it?

I think he rules this relationship and will do the same again.

Also, not forgiving infidelity isn't a character flaw - he is making you the guilty one when he is the one who cheated.

As he appears to have zero respect for you and clearly doesn't think your feelings are worth anything compared to his, you need to ditch him and find someone who treats you with respect.

While you live with him you will be this person you don't like because you know he's a git.

Summerlovinf Wed 09-Mar-16 16:57:34

2 years is a long time to keep a flirtation there any part of you that feels your BF is a bit pathetic and needy? He is really trying? Trying what? To not to be a dickhead? Can you really be bothered?

magoria Wed 09-Mar-16 16:57:40

He pretended you didn't exist for 2 years when it suited him to flirt/get close with at least one other woman.

How are you meant to be over 2 years worth of deceit in 2/3 months.

He has since told you that for those 2 years he didn't consider your relationship serious. Plus he treated you like shit.

You deserve way better.

WasabiNell Wed 09-Mar-16 17:43:24

Thank you for your responses, I've just got in and am rushing out to a family do but will try answer briefly.

We had been together a year or so before this happened. It's the pretending to be single that hit me like a punch. I'd been asking him to go on holiday for months and one of the messages said 'hate being single, I've no one to go on holiday with would it be really sad to go on my own'. Really?? And I don't know when he would have stopped messaging her. The lazy prick didn't even bother deleting the 2 years worth of messages. He panicked so much when I confronted him, never seen anything like it.

I do believe her when she said there was no sex, perhaps naive of me. But I don't know how many other times he's cheated on these 'lads holidays'. He swears never. I want to sit him down and tell him to be honest and frank with me.

And no, there is no DC. He practically lives at mine anyway, is here 6 days a week just hasn't made the official 'transition'. I kind of want to live alone for a bit and have some headspace but don't know how to word this. I just don't think he makes me feel like I'm the best version of me that I can be, if that makes sense? I'm snipey and mean when I'm with him. But miserable when I'm not with him. Writing this post has made me realise how unhappy I am sad

namechangingagainagain Wed 09-Mar-16 17:59:03

you don't need to get over it though.
There is no need for you to settle for him.
I'd cool things off and see how things go ( and I say this as someone who is married with children and has forgiven an affair- It was the hardest thing I've had to do and if our lives weren't so entwined with children there's no way I would have bothered).

Even without the dishonesty you sound miserable. You only live once

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard Wed 09-Mar-16 18:21:45

I'm not sure there's a at back really. For two years he's denied your existence and lied other ease.

Will you ever trust him again? I doubt it.

Sorry you're going through this OP

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard Wed 09-Mar-16 18:22:37

Way back not at back... Damn phone and fat fingers

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard Wed 09-Mar-16 18:23:24

Lied WITH ease... Ffs


hereiamagain22 Wed 09-Mar-16 18:28:13

So you've been together for three years and he has messed about for two of those (that you know of) because your relationship 'wasn't serious' for him.

You have no ties, no children, don't live together. Really, why can you be bothered with this?

I'm sorry but I think you've been in a casual relationship without realising. He's panicking now because it suits him to be with you for now - but you've never been 'the one' as far as he is concerned. I don't believe his feelings changed overnight on this. Don't believe you are 'the one' now either.

I'm so sorry.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 09-Mar-16 18:28:24

It's done, I think.

You'd been together for a year. His excuse for not believing it was serious was therefore bullocks. Maybe he didn't sleep with her, but he led a separate life with her for two whole years, that's two thirds of the time that you've been together.

If you move him in, you'll notice your personality slip more. You'll be anxious and on edge and you won't be able to trust him. You've already noticed that he makes you mean and snipey.

If you leave him, you'll be sad for a while, of course you will. You'll probably miss him and wonder if you've made the right decision for a while. But eventually you'll feel happy and like you, and then you'll meet someone who makes you feel like you're a better you. Someone who makes you happy and values your relationship and isn't spending all his time creating a fantasy life with someone else.

Destinysdaughter Wed 09-Mar-16 18:30:22

He's not someone to have a long term future with as he's dishonest, unreliable and lacks integrity at a core level. No way would I be planning a future with a man like this. You've found out now who he really is, you'd be a fool to stay with him as he'll let you down again and if you've got kids it becomes much harder. I'd tell him to go personally and not waste any more of my precious time on him. Your choice.

Choceclair123 Wed 09-Mar-16 18:34:33

He suddenly wants to move in with you... Lucky you?!!

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