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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Red flag or not?

28 replies

VIX1307 · 09/03/2016 14:49

I'm currently dating a man who rarely ever asks about my day or how I am.
Is this more typical of the male species and how they communicate or could this be a sign of selfishness/ narcissism. Would it put you off?

For example today I have asked him how he was this morning, his response was just 'fine thank you', then proceeded to tell me about his plans for the day.
Later on I ask how his day was going and I get 'awful!!' This is very typical of him a lot of the time. If I do tell him that I've had a bad day I just get 'oh no :(' or something to that effect. I find it odd that he doesn't care what I'm doing or how I am. Is this a red flag?

OP posts:

Report

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 14:54

Sounds annoying. Maybe tell him how you feel about how he acts, see what his reaction is.

Bree85 · 09/03/2016 14:59

I think so. Maybe he is not paying the kind of attention you deserve. I think you both are disconnected in the relationship you have.

ALaughAMinute · 09/03/2016 15:09

He's either very ignorant or has poor communication skills by the sound of it, so yes, I'd say it was a red flag. How long have you been seeing him?

Malefriendproblem · 09/03/2016 15:12

Not a good sign in my experience. XP was the same and when I pulled him up on it he asked for the next few days and then stopped.

Turned out he couldn't care less how I was as long as his ego/needs were met.

MadHattersWineParty · 09/03/2016 15:21

I dated someone like this so I would say yes. He did start to ask me in a token-like way but then we would get on to the subject that really mattered- him!

He was very pompous though in hindsight. I think he regarded his job as far more important than mine so he didn't care for hearing about my day.

There were a hell of a lot of red flags in his case but I would say this was one of them, definitely. But it in your case it might depend on the overall picture and how he interacts other than this.

VIX1307 · 09/03/2016 15:22

Dating for 4 months. Though this is making me wonder if I'm just wasting my time. It really came to light the other day when we were supposed to meet for lunch and he refused to travel to meet me in the middle as he was tired and didn't want to get the bus (a 15 minute journey) or drive as he wanted to drink. When I protested he said well how about we just do another day? I ended up driving to meet him in his town as I wanted to see him I'm thinking maybe he's just a selfish ?

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 09/03/2016 15:43

I think you should dump him without a moments hesitation, the guy sounds a twat!

Slowdecrease · 09/03/2016 15:48

Normally I can see both sides of dating stuff but no, he has no natural interest in you or what matters to you, this won't change, I'd let this one go.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/03/2016 16:01

he refused to travel to meet me in the middle as he was tired and didn't want to get the bus (a 15 minute journey) or drive as he wanted to drink

At only 4 months in the thought of spending time with you should be sufficient to overcome tiredness and he shouldn't need alcohol to feel drunk on happiness when he's with you.

It's all about him and as there's no room for you, or anyone else, in his head you're best advised to get out of his life and leave him to it.

wonderingsoul · 09/03/2016 16:10

The first bit I would see as a amber flag.

The second bit.. he should be so excited to see you that should over ride he's tiredness.

Put together it doesn't seem great. Maybe see how he is next few weeks? Has there been any other things? Does he talk over you sound bored when you talk?

MoominPie22 · 09/03/2016 16:32

Sounds like all the effort and enthusiasm is coming from you. Maybe he´s not as into you as you are him?

Personally I would cut my losses and get rid. It doesn´t bode well if this is meant to be ¨The Honeymoon Period¨ does it?

LeaLeander · 09/03/2016 16:33

What are his good points?

VIX1307 · 09/03/2016 16:51

Well I've just asked him what his plans were for tonight and.... 'football'. Everything is all good when we are together. It just seems like he when we aren't he really couldn't give a damn!

OP posts:

Summerlovinf · 09/03/2016 17:01

He doesn't need to try if you keep doing all the work...

Joysmum · 09/03/2016 17:02

Think back, what has he ever asked you about yourself? Do you normally just tell him or does he ever ask any questions? If he just on send or do you every have a proper conversation?

suspiciousofgoldfish · 09/03/2016 22:07

He's selfish. And lazy. And he sounds dull. Dump!!

Resilience16 · 09/03/2016 22:09

Vix if he isn't interested in the facinating minutiae of you life right now in the "honeymoon" period, imagine what it will be like in a year or five years or (God forbid) ten years time.
If it is bothering you now you need to be realistic, he isn't going to change (and why should he when you are doing all the legwork!) Do yourself a favour and cut your losses early.
You deserve better x

Justaboy · 09/03/2016 22:16

Yes, save yourself a lot of future grief and Dump now!.

BigQueenBee · 09/03/2016 22:37

I have met a lot of men like this on OLD. This is the reason I gave up on it.
Oddballs ,single for that very reason.
Try to engage in conversation with men in RL, you never know..

MistressDeeCee · 09/03/2016 23:51

He sounds like hard work, and dull as ditchwater. Id struggle to maintain interest in a man like that so things would fizzle out. & he's not exactly interested anyway, is he? If he wouldn't do a 15 minute bus ride to meet you then we aren't talking soulmates here.

Phoenix69 · 10/03/2016 05:46

Does he have any good points? Anyone who cannot be bothered to travel 15 minutes for a date isn't worth keeping.
Red flag - yes. Dump - yes. Move on.

Secretlove · 10/03/2016 05:51

If he's acting not interested that's because he's not interested.

It's not a nice feeling when you are making the effort and the other person couldn't care less. He doesn't deserve you, move on.

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RubyChewsDay · 10/03/2016 05:52

Move on OP. Find someone that loves hearing about your day, will move heaven & earth to see you and when asked what he is doing tonight, his reply will be "hoping to take you out somewhere special if you woyld like"

Dont waste another second on him.

MoominPie22 · 10/03/2016 08:13

Just end it. Then his reaction, or lack thereof, will tell u all u need to know.

Summerlovinf · 10/03/2016 10:44

It sounds like he's not that interested. However, I also think that you could work on being less accommodating to men generally. If he can't be bothered travelling to see you then he doesn't get to see you, no big deal. If there's sport on he prefers to see, leave him to it and go find something else to do. If you're always accommodating and fitting around a man, he will take advantage of that. He needs to put in a bit of work to see you...you have always have options, whether that's finding another bloke or just doing something else you enjoy.

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