H called me a cunt

[BrokenVag]

Backstory is that husband and I aren't in a good place. We have a 5 year old and I am struggling to get problems caused by her birth resolved (physically as I haven't healed). This means we have no sex life. We have been in relationship counselling (his request) since December. He's attended 1 session alone, which focussed on lack of intimacy between us. We've had 2 or 3 sessions together, during which he clammed up and then said he didn't really get anything from the sessions afterwards. And I've had about 6 sessions on my own, which I've found fairly helpful. Biggest issue is communication, and my reaction when I think something isn't fair.

I was tidying and cleaning the kitchen when husband came in for a drink. He asked where the glass was that he'd left on the side and I pointed to the dishwasher. He told me that was his glass, that he was using it for water and that I shouldn't have touched it. I said it was a dirty glass on the worktop so I put it in the machine that cleans dirty glasses. He got angry, threw the other glass that he was holding into the sink (breaking it) and stormed off, shouting that I was a cunt and the counselling was a complete waste of money at the top of his voice. A month or so back he threw a pint of beer over me during an argument. He never apologises for his behaviour, because it was "how he really felt at the time".

It's a waste of time trying to save this, isn't it?

[CaptainCrunch]

Feel really sorry for you op. I think you answered your own question.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

sorry..i try not to say this in haste but yes, its him who is one.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Oh dear :(

Yes, it does sound like it.

[MartinaJ]

TBH, trying to save it just makes you open for more abuse. For your own and your child sake, get out of it ASAP. Fingers crossed.

[foolssilver]

Please leave him, he is abusive and no amount of couples counselling will change that.

It's a horrible situation and I have been in an abusive relationship so know how hard it is but please leave. You will be so much happier on your own with your ds and can focus your energy on healing your physical issues. Don't waste anymore energy on this man.

[BrokenVag]

I have an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow. Perhaps it will be the last.

Sigh.

[Finola1step]

You know this isn't right and not salvageable. I'm really sorry.

[Finola1step]

Use the appts from now on to work on what you want and how to move on.

[Scarydinosaurs]

You don't deserve that.

[creativevoid]

I was called a cunt and had food and drink poured over me. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. This is domestic abuse and it won't get better. If you feel your resolve wavering, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

[ollieplimsoles]

He throws glasses and poured something over you?! What unbelievable disrespect!

Did you mention that at the counselling?

[BrokenVag]

I don't think he is abusive. We're both quick to anger. He wants to do his job and then do what he wants to (computer games). It's my fault he's putting on weight when we have gym equipment in the house he doesn't use and he's constantly looking for biscuits and crisps. It's my fault the house is messy and I don't want to have people over/to stay. It's my fault that he works and I don't, but he also wants me around to look after DD when he's working. He thinks he contributes to the household enough by working and taking the bins out. He doesn't cook, doesn't clean, and can't even get DD's clothes together in the morning. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of feeling like his mother. I'm tired of feeling pressure to sort out our sex life when I can't bear to look at him.

[BrokenVag]

I told the counsellor about the beer, yes.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

what else is throwing beer over someone and calling them a cunt for moving your glass, if it isn't abuse?

[BrokenVag]

I don't know. I once punched him in the face (we were away and he disappeared - drunk - without his phone after saying he'd be better off dead). He eventually came back to the hotel and I was so fucking angry with him not listening to me that I punched him. I'm not proud of that.

[BrokenVag]

I used to be so sparkly. I feel like a shell of myself.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Yes it is a waste of time trying to save it. You can only flog a dead horse for so long. It's clearly not working.
You and your child deserve better and you know that

[XanderHarris]

To be fair, you could have said 'Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were still using it. I put it in the dishwasher'. But that obviously doesnt excuse breaking the glass or calling you a cunt. Tipping the drink over you does sound abusive to me.

[ouryve]

Oh gosh, there's really nothing you would want to save, is there? You most definitely have answered your own question. :(

[tipsytrifle]

He attacks you with stuff. You're being twisted well out of your natural self, turned into a being that really isn't the true sparkly YOU. Any situation or relationship that does that is in the wrong. Just my opinion.

I think you know already that his attacks will escalate; your state of mind will also become more broken and brutal. Hopefully the counsellor will shed some much needed light on this destructive marriage and you'll be able to do some clear thinking about the future and who you want to be, how you want to live.

[specialsubject]

biggest issue is that he hates and abuses you. Nothing will change that.

I know it isn't easy - but get out. I wish you the best.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Msy I suggest you report your post and ask MN to move this thread to the Relationships board, OP?

[Branleuse]

OP, im sorry but your relationship is toxic. You really are not good for each other.

[acasualobserver]

Not good that you punched him but the things you've described seem only a few clicks short of him punching you. Add to that the failure of your relationship counselling, his inability to take any personal responsibility and the fact you can't bear to look at him then, yes, it's probably time to call it a day. I hope you get your sparkle back.

[creativevoid]

I didn't think it was abuse either. There was lots more - emotional abuse, control, some of which your later post reminds me of. Please read the book - if it's not abuse you will know as it covers all the different kinds. I also did things I was ashamed of - shouted, screamed, because I was so angry, frustrated and disempowered by it all. But the other posters are right, it doesn't need to be abuse for you to leave. You do not need to stay in a marriage where you are not happy. Knowing it was abuse did make it easier for me to leave and to know that leaving was the best thing for me to do for my children. Your child deserves better than to see what is, at best, an extremely dysfunctional relationship as how to treat/be treated in marriage.