annoying niggle

[LizKeen]

I have been trying to silence this. But I can't.

There's nothing I can do or want to do about the situation but it makes me uncomfortable.

I split up with my ex when DD1 was less than a year old. He was emotionally, financially and physically abusive. He was also a total waste of space.

That was almost 7 years ago and now he seems to have got himself together. He has a partner and they have a nice house. He has steady employment. He pays maintenance, and is reliable with contact.

He still tries to bully me. Its like a cycle. We could go maybe 6 months with everything ticking along nicely and then he will have a go at me over very trivial things. He always turns it personal. I have had counselling and can deal with this much better.

I am married. Very happily. And DH and I have DD2 together. It is very clear that I have moved on.

But I don't think he has. He has been with his partner for 6 years and they don't seem to be moving towards marriage or children. I know she wants children. He has told me she does.

Recently we had lunch, just me him and DD1. It was for DD1s benefit and was a one off. He spent the lunch mentioning things that had happened when we were together, and his partner is hardly ever mentioned these days. My DH is always a part of the conversation. I don't mention him consciously but when I think about it I realise I do mention him a lot.

After the lunch, that evening, he started picking an argument again. And then swung wildly from that to saying things like he will always support me and he will always look out for me.

I know this all sounds a bit wishy washy written here. And believe me, I am nothing special so please don't think me big headed. But I feel like he isn't moving forward with his life and if it is because he is "waiting" for me, that makes me really uncomfortable. It will never ever happen.

DH has expressed similar thoughts in the past, but I haven't spoken to him about it lately as tbh the thoughts are only becoming coherent in my head. I will though.

Any thoughts? I just have to ignore it don't I. It makes me sad to think that we can't go for lunch without him starting talking about our relationship and then picking arguments (for attention?) and then professing support.

Eugh. It makes my skin crawl.

[Marchate]

I'm guessing his relationship isn't going well. Instead of trying to put things right he is using you as a crutch

Maybe he is 'waiting' for you to let him back into his life. Maybe he's trying to sabotage your marriage. Either way, it's all about him and his ego

[FaithAscending]

Honestly? I don't think you can carry on like this. Going out for dinner etc. You're not friends, you're exes and he is still trying to bully you! I would advise stepping back. Just have contact for handover. I think that would be better for your DD than seeing you together with him being unkind!

[LizKeen]

It wasn't dinner. It was lunch in a greasy spoon after a hospital appointment for DD1.

Other than that I am completely stepped back. We are civil for handovers. Lately we have been talking more because of DDs assessments etc.

[FaithAscending]

Apologies for saying dinner and making it out to be something it's not.

[LizKeen]

Thanks. I just know that I have done nothing to encourage him. I have had another child and married someone else. I keep him at arms length.

But as Marchate says, it is more to do with him than me probably. He is incredibly self centred.

Its just the way he treats me with contempt on one hand, at times he is completely vile, and on the other seems to be so attached. I don't want this in my life. But we are forever linked through DD.

I wish he would marry and have kids and just move on.

[FaithAscending]

All you can do is continue to keep your distance. It definitely sounds like it's his personality issues. The cruel/kind switch sounds like he's still trying to assert control over you. It's great that the counselling helped you.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I'm impressed you made extra effort for DD's sake. The time must have dragged by. He knows it's for her benefit and you might have squirmed but wouldn't want a scene in front of her. Of course you don't need or want his support and he understands that so it's easy to gabble on and know there's not a chance in hell he will have to offer real help. To go back over this, make a debate and engage further would be a mistake imo. I hope it's a rare occurrence and you can keep any such events short in future.