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why do I do this to myself

(90 Posts)
imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 09:55:18

I'm such a horrible person. I just lied to my partner cause I knew he'd flip and he found out and flipped anyway. now he said he doesn't want nothing to do with me now and left me and our son in our room.

thing is the lie wasn't that big. Nothing like me cheating or having EA. and if anything I should be the one angry at him cause he keeps calling me stupid and thick and he doesn't want his son turning out like me.

I know I'll probably be flamed for lying I deserve it but I don't believe it deserved to be spiralled out of control.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 10:14:56

the reason I lie is I can't talk to him and if I do he goes off on one and then I'm made to feel like I'm in the wrong. another thing I'm made to feel bad if I don't ignore my son and come and give him attention and give him his sexually needs. how selfish am I for only recently having a baby and not wanting to engage in intamincy and always being tired. how very selfish of me.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe Wed 09-Mar-16 10:31:24

I think that being in a relationship with someone that you love and who loves you means having the freedom to say anything and to feel safe in the knowledge that you aren't going to be judged. A relationship should be a safe place.

You are describing a situation in which rather then feeling safe you are actively monitoring your behavior to avoid the risk of an argument. From what you say these arguments often occur when you don't instantly meet your partners needs.

This is not healthy. Why do you think you should put up with it?

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 10:35:20

because stupidly enough I love him, when we don't argue he's my best friend. we laugh, we talk, we do a lot together. also he's the dad to my son and our son deserves a family. I know that sounds so old fashioned and cliché. Moat of the time I can talk to him but on this one stupid little thing and I mean it's so little I knew he'd go ape so I kept the truth from him.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe Wed 09-Mar-16 10:52:13

So , in your head you make a bargain that along the lines of, 'well I get all these good times and the price I have to pay for that is that sometimes I'll get shouted out and abused but I can live with that.'

But you shouldn't be being treated like this AT ALL.

Yes, your son deserves a family but what of sort of family does he deserve? Is it one in which his mum is treated like this?

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:23:02

That's basically how I'm thinking it. I know I shouldn't but I'm not string enough to fight my own battles.

I might of forgotten to pick something up from shopping and then I get accused of neglecting him.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:26:39

dont get me wrong I'm not perfect either. 2 years ago I started to talk to other men (never turned into a physical affair or emotional affair) he found out and he still doesn't trust me fully so when I lie everything goes into his head. which I can understand fully. I brought that onto myself.

blindsider Wed 09-Mar-16 11:27:15

Very difficult to work out what you are talking about, but your DH/DP does sound a bit of a bully /controller.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:30:14

I'm just really putting my thoughts down as I have no one in rl to talk to. people can help me or not. if you need any more info just ask. I'd rather get it all out instead of going crazy smile

blindsider Wed 09-Mar-16 11:38:07

What did you lie to your DP about?

AnotherEmma Wed 09-Mar-16 11:40:28

Sounds like your partner is abusive. Read these signs of emotional abuse and see if anything sounds familiar.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:41:02

some photos we had done. he didn't want his mum to have a copy and I sent my mum them like he knew she was but he went on saying he doesn't want people to have them (I paid for them so I think I should choose who they should go to) and I said I ain't sent them my mum. he looked through my mums messages and saw that I had and he went mad.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Mar-16 11:42:59

It would help to know what lie you told and why you told it - you said he'd 'flip' but what do you mean by that? What does he do when he 'flips'?

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:44:18

he starts to get angry and shouts at me.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Mar-16 11:46:04


Why didn't he want his mum to have a copy and why should that mean that your mum shouldn't have one?

"He went mad" What does this mean? What exactly did he do?

goddessofsmallthings Wed 09-Mar-16 11:48:00

Does he swear at you when he's shouting? Does he shout for long? Will he continue to refer to your lies or shortcomings long after the dust should have settled on any argument?

blindsider Wed 09-Mar-16 11:50:38

If they are your photos it is entirely up to you what you do with them. You don't deserve to feel intimidated by him and shouldn't have to tiptoe round him on eggshells.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:51:12

the reason why he doesn't want his mum to have a copy is because she treats her grandson as her son. within the first week of him being born we told her we don't want no pictures printed till he's 4 weeks and we will have first pic but no she went out and got canvases and albums of him. my mum isn't like that at all. if I told her what we tod his mum she would have gone that's fine I'll print them off when you say so.

and yeah he shouts a lot and swears and then expects me to make up for it.

Cabrinha Wed 09-Mar-16 11:54:01

He won't let you send your photos to your mum.
He reads your messages - massive invasion of privacy.
You're scared to tell him the truth.
He expects you to be sexually available whenever he wants (grim - so, are you having sex that you don't want, that you're coerced into for fear of his moods? Cos there's a word for that lovey)
He calls you thick.
He calls you stupid.
He doesn't want his son to be like you.
You do a normal thing like forget some shopping and he accuses you of neglecting him.
He flips out at you.
He goes mad at you.
It's a bad enough relationship that you wanted to talk to other men - or worse, you were only talking to male friends and he stopped you.

Just remind me why you love him and why he's your best friend?

My boyfriend would do NONE of that. Any of the time.

Somewhere along the way you've bought this idea that it's OK to be a shit some of the time. Although, from your list on just tis thread, it's not occasional, is it? It's actually not. I have had good and bad relationships. In not one has a man ever insulted me verbally, tried to guilt me into sex when I don't want it, read my messages, accused me of neglect to for a simple mistake...

The big worry is not that your son will be like you, but like him. Because he's going to grow up learning that this is what men do: disrespect their partners.

I know it's easier to say leave than to do it, but will you at least talk to Women's Aid? Please? If you stay, you at least need to know that he is wrong, not you, to protect a little of yourself, your self esteem. sad

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:54:13

he said he has the right to online picture that is just for him/us. so I went well the one pic I wanted just for me (the one of his first smile) his mum has took and put it on her phone. I told him this (I wasn't that fussed till he brought that up about this one pic) and he went well it's my mum she always takes over. not saying oh I'll tell her to get rid of it for you.

Cabrinha Wed 09-Mar-16 11:56:06

Le me guess, after this shouting and swearing, one way he wants you to make up for your bad behaviour hmm is sex?

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:58:08

I think it's because my mum and dad are exactly the same son that's how I've been brought up.

I was thinking of talking to women's aid when he's not here and my HV. all my relationships have been bad. my last one sexually blackmailed me told the police and all they said to do was change my number even though I had proof on mu phone.

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:59:11

well some form of intamincy as I've only just gone on to contraception after giving birth and we don't want any more kids (well I don't not just yet)

imsuchafool12345 Wed 09-Mar-16 11:59:30

posted too we won't have sex just yet

Cabrinha Wed 09-Mar-16 12:00:15

Is that his decision or yours that no-one should have photos of your son for 4 weeks?
Because that's pretty weird.
If you posted that it was your idea, I'd be asking why and saying you were OTT.
Sounds to me like he's a nasty bit of work finding a way to be mean to his mum.
Fair enough as new parents you might want to be the ones to send photos to other people. Fair enough to say "here you go mum, but please don't sent to Auntie So and So as we want to". But just to ban her having photos sounds like him being nasty for the sake of it.

Still - his decision what his mum gets.

Your decision what your mum gets.

He can FUCK OFF checking your messages and telling you off, and swearing and shouting.

Please talk to your HV about how he is treating you flowers

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