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should I stay or should I go??(3 Posts)
New to mn although been lurking for a while and would really appreciate anyone's thoughts, views and experiences of the same please?!
Bit of background. .. I'm 35, husband is 43, been married for nearly 10 years,together for 14rs with 2 dc (7 & 2)
Last August I reached the end of my tether and told dh that I was no longer happy and could see no way of things changing. When we first got together I was at uni I was very sure of who I was, confident and knew where I wanted to go in life. I got together with dh after meeting at work, moved in together, married, new house and kids. Over the years I have felt as though I have gradually lost more of me bit by bit and now have no self confidence or direction in life. I don't blame dh for this as I understand this is all my doing but he does not help or inspire me to be a better person. Dh is a very passive person, has his job with no aspiration to further himself. He is happy with me and the kids and feels life is pretty much set. I on the other hand feel there has to be more to life than this. I now no longer feel I know who I am or what I want in life. I am just a wife and mother, sorting out everyone's social calender and life in general. When I first raised the issues with him his statement was "we've done the most important things now. I suppose the next big thing will be dc leaving school'!! That's at least 10 years away.. nothing to look forward to for 10 years??! Dh is a good man. He is an amazing father and when we have spoken about possibly separating he said he could not bear to be apart from the kids. The problem is that I just don't feel it anymore. I love him as a person I have spent almost half my life with and the father he has become to our children, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with him makes me sad. We get on well together but surely there should be more than that? All I keep thinking is that when the kids are old enough it will just be me and him and that makes me feel uneasy. There is no passion or anything between us anymore. We parent well together and run our home but surely you should look forward to time together? At the moment I dread time together just the 2 of us. We are polite but no real affection anymore.
We have been through a real emotional roller coaster the last 6 months or so. I have explained what I am unhappy about, he has tried, he has left for a night, I pretty much had a breakdown but we still can't come to a resolution. Despite him being a nice guy, I just don't feel I am in love with him anymore. On paper he is the 'perfect' husband, just not perfect for me anymore. It's a 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' situation. I can slap on the happy face for the sake of the kids but is that not lying to to us both to be in a relationship like that?
I have been reading up lots on ten Internet on reasons to stay/ leave and still no clear decision. At the end of the day it boils down to my happiness or his and kids happiness. How can you truly make that decision? Am I just expecting too much after nearly 15 years together? Is this just what life ends up like? I'm just tired of being everything to everyone. I have tried telling him I want us to have more of a life.. not just me and him, but with friends too. He has made no attempt to keep up with friends over the years and now blames me for moving away from them and not keeping up, whilst on the other hand makes digs about me making the effort with my friends and going to see them etc when they don't live locally. Any local friends of 'ours' are actually mine. I have attempted over the years to get him to make friends with my friends husbands and like, and although he is OK to chat on a night out he doesn't make the effort to make any friends of his own. His view is that he has me and the kids and that is enough, but to me you need more than that in life. You need to have your own life outside of each other yet he doesn't see that? I'm just tired of organising everyone's lives. . The kids I do unconditionally but for once I would like him to say we're going out this weekend, I've organised it all. Maybe I'm expecting too much? It's got to the point where I'm ready just to say enough is enough. I just feel like he has sucked out every ounce of drive and ambition I once had in me over the years until I got to where I am now.. an empty shell who no longer knows what they even like let alone want from life.
Sorry for the disjointedness, more of a rambling of my own mind at t he moment although any advise would be much appreciated!!
Why did you have a breakdown when he left for a night? What did that breakdown entail by way of revelation about the state of your relationship? If you want to stay there are options. If you want to leave there are options. "The Routine" stuff gets all of us down at times - even those of us with cats rather than people - but are you thinking well beyond this point?
Kids will adapt if things can be done amicably. Heck, they adapt even when major trauma is involved. Miracle beings, they are. If you are not happy then you should change things - not you - til you are happy. If you cannot find happiness other than routine indifference then I think you're on the this-is-not-love scale of life events. Maybe he will get on board your train of thought/heart if you ask, maybe he won't. What do you feel like doing next?
I had a bit of a crisis too in that I wasn't happy with my lot, fed up of facilitating everyone else's lives but no life of my own.
Instead of blaming DH for the decisions we made together and both wanted at the time, I decided to change the things I wasn't happy with.
I've retrained, have more friendships, took over tasks tgat traditionally were his to prove I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm setting up my own business and am returning to a hobby.
I look up myself for my own happiness, so if I'm not its up to me to make the changes needed. He's been nothing but supportive and happy I'm happier again. The issues were mine and I made him out to be an ogre when I wasn't happy. I feel dreadful for that now
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