Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of the line

(10 Posts)
skittycat Tue 08-Mar-16 20:01:27

I'm almost using this as somewhere to channel all of my thoughts at once, to finally get them all out.

My partner of 4 years broke up with me in January. Now i'm not going to claim it was a happy relationship, because on my part it hasn't been for at least 2 years. He was a regular weed smoker - usually up to £500 per month spent on cigarettes/drugs, and he would probably smoke a joint every 1.5 hours. This naturally altered his behaviour and led to him seriously neglecting both myself and the relationship... he could never be bothered to do anything with me (and freely admitted this) and yet still thought it appropriate to grope my bum in a morning when he thought I was asleep.

He expected me to do a full day at work and then come home and clean up the many sweet wrappers and dirty pots that he had used when he had been sat playing xbox everyday (worked away, 4 weeks on 4 weeks off), and said many times that there was nothing wrong with the fact that he wanted to act like he was single.

I'm also not going to sit here and say that I was perfect in our relationship, there's things I could have done more, there's things I could have been more understanding of but I found it very difficult to do those things I could have done more of whilst feeling so neglected and unwanted.

When we broke up the majority of the blame for everything that had gone wrong in our relationship was placed firmly at my door (as usual). That I should have done more around the house, that I shouldn't have stopped him from seeing his mates (which I never did, all I ever asked was that he stopped cancelling plans with me whenever his mates/parents offered him something else to do), that I spent all of his money etc (when I don't actually spend a single penny of his money). We decided at the time that the break up would be amicable, and that we would be friends etc.

About a week after me and him broke up, I found out that he had been messaging another woman. Both in a romantic way and also taking the opportunity to slag me off. He has said a number of derogatory things about me, all of which have been relayed to myself by a third party who had read all the messages.

He works away, so the majority of the break up was done by text - he apologised for what he had said about me etc, but confirmed that he no longer wanted to be with me, that this new woman was who he wanted etc. When he returned home, we had a bit of a talk on the first night he was home, agreed again that we wanted to be friends, especially since we own a property together that we both live in.

2 weeks after he started dating the new woman properly, they have got engaged. 4 weeks after they've started dating, she's announced that she's pregnant (positive pregnancy test posted on his Facebook page by her with the intention to upset me). He's going around treating her like he could never be bothered to treat me and taking her places I used to have to practically beg to go to.

Now I know the relationship was shit, I know that being with him was some of the most miserable years of my life and yet I can't help but sit here feeling bruised and fragile over the whole event. I've done nothing wrong at the end of the relationship and yet it is me that is getting all the hurt and the upset (some of it intentionally done by the new woman) whilst he's going around happy as larry, having found a new woman that will let him walk all over her.

It's been 2 months, and I still can't put everything to the back of my mind, I still can't get through a day without mulling something over in my mind and trying to make sense of everything that's happened. I am trying to be strong and I know that this will be the best thing that he has ever done for me, but at the same time I just feel so... deflated.

I guess... I just want to know that it gets easier, that you spend less time dwelling on everything, that you stop wishing that life would get better and that there are genuine men out there that don't spend a relationship bullshitting and biding their time until something 'better' comes along.

Well done if you got to the end by the way - I don't expect many to!

pocketsaviour Tue 08-Mar-16 20:10:04

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Nobody likes to me dumped, and it really stings when your ex then leaps straight into bed/marriage with someone else. He sounds a thorough cunt.

But why has it taken you til now to see how shit this "relationship" was? How is it that you thought that's all you were worth? What did you learn about relationships from your parents?

RandomMess Tue 08-Mar-16 20:14:31

Geez you've had a lucky escape, that other woman could be you, no help, no support and a child to bring up.

Yes it hurts when a relationship ends and you fill up with those thoughts that you aren't good enough but it's not true.

flowers

skittycat Tue 08-Mar-16 20:28:48

Reading it back, I think he sounds like that too!

To be honest, I think i've known for some time it was shit, but very much thought that I deserved no better so put up with it. I think it all stems from a long history of self esteem issues going right back to being a teenager rather than what I learnt from my parents about relationships (and just in case, parents aren't together, both remarried since and both in happy relationships)

Thank you for the flowers smile

RandomMess Tue 08-Mar-16 21:08:21

Why don't you invest some time and money in yourself now? Womans Aid Freedom programme so you don't get into another emotionally abusive relationship and/or some therapy to improve your self-esteem.

TheNaze73 Wed 09-Mar-16 08:18:14

You are so much better out of it. They've rushed everything & I actually feel sorry for the child to be. What sort of foundation for a relationship is that???! I think you've had a very lucky escape. There's a bloke out there for you, who will treat with respect, put you at the centre of his universe & make you see, just what a mess this was.

antimatter Wed 09-Mar-16 08:22:47

Unfortunately owning house together will make it harder for you to move on.
Have you made plans what to do about buying him off, selling or renting it?

tigerdog Wed 09-Mar-16 08:30:15

It's only a matter of time before he reverts to type in this new relationship! I'm presuming in the first two months of your relationship he at least made some sort of effort to make you think it was worth sticking around?! As others have said, a lucky escape and I'm sure their relationship will not be a thing of envy.

Focus on yourself for a bit - what would make you happy? Make some small changes to put yourself in a better place, whatever that may be - take up a new activity or see friends, get away somewhere.

Break ups are hard, and it's only been two months, so give yourself some time. Block them on facebook and just concentrate on your own happiness, and things that you can control.

tigerdog Wed 09-Mar-16 08:36:54

Oh, I missed the inference that you are both still living in the house you own together. That would be the first thing on my list to sort out as it will make it so difficult to move on.

skittycat Wed 09-Mar-16 18:18:54

Thank you all.

Yeah, he made a lot of effort when we were first getting together, unfortunately his attitude changed when we moved in together and it was almost like a switch had flicked in his head so that he didn't need to bother any more.

I certainly hope that there is someone out there that will treat me with respect etc. My current aim is to try and concentrate on myself and work on loving myself first and foremost.. make changes so that i'm happy with myself I guess.

We currently have a joint mortgage etc so it's a bit tricky really. I currently can't afford to live somewhere on my own, whilst I expect that he will (naturally) be wanting to move the new woman, her kids and future baby in ASAP. He has said he will be moving in with the woman until I am sorted, and the eventual plan is for him to buy me out and for me to move to a parent's house, but I don't exactly trust that it will work out like that.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now