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Getting shoved out of a friendship group by bloke who admitted to cheating. Annoying!

(97 Posts)
nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:24:40

I feel a bit weird about this so please don't have a go at me. I've not posted my own thread before and am a bit nervous!

About three years ago, my DH and I met up with a couple that we were friendly with - let's call them Paul and Sarah. I've always got on better with the Paul than with Sarah, I don't know why - similar senses of humour and from a similar area. Sarah and my DH have similar jobs, so rather than it being the boys talking and the girls talking it tended to be me and Paul gabbing and my DH talking to Sarah.

After a few drinks the Paul told me - blurted out - that he had kissed one of his friend's girlfriend and that Sarah didn't know about it. This was a few months ahead of their wedding. I was a bit confused and didn't know what to say. But I said that as long as it hadn't gone any further, I didn't think he should necessarily tell Sarah unless he was madly in love with this other woman or intended to leave (this is the bit I'm worried you'll all tell me off about - but like I say, it was a shock and I was very on-the-spot). He said that he hugely regretted it and felt stupid and guilty etc. At the time, I felt quite sorry for him. And her, obviously.

Later on I told my DH - who thought he was really inappropriate telling me this - especially when Sarah was so close by. It also caused a weird conversation about what he/I would do if WE had kissed someone else. Which could have all been avoided if it wasn't for this bloody Paul and his generally inappropriate behaviour.

Anyway, we agreed we would just leave it as it wasn't our business and we weren't really close friends/hadn't known them very long. I ended up feeling really resentful that Paul had over shared and as though now I couldn't really look the woman in the face. I certainly didn't want to shit-stir by telling her. In hindsight, I wish I had encouraged her to tell her, and think - based on what comes next - that this is what happened.

The wedding was about six months later. We didn't/couldn't attend as we were on holiday. I was a bit relieved about that - booked .

This is the bit where I am stupid and out of order. But - I was really cross with this bloke - and really confused... Anyway, here we go.
So, there is another couple in the mix - who weren't there at the original event - let's call them Mark and Emma. I used to get on with Emma well, she was the kind of missing link between me and Sarah and when the six of us met up she made it much less awkward and conversation flowed better.

There was talk of getting together and Paul was really taking over and after this 'confession' was being very friendly and enthusiastic about meeting up/being friendly, probably out of embarrassment. I felt a distinct chill from Sarah and wondered if Paul had told her about this bloody kiss and as a result she was angry with me ??? because I knew about it? And had told Paul not to tell her?

Anyway he was being really pushy about meeting up and I snapped and told Emma what Paul had told me. I said that it had made me feel really uncomfortable and that we were generally trying to distance ourselves a bit. I'm not very good at confrontation - or lying - and just told the truth.
DH was annoyed with me saying I had pretty much done to Emma was Paul did to me - if that makes sense. Emma seemed quite shocked and didn't particularly comment on it. I did profusely apologise afterwards if I had made her feel uncomfortable and she had said that she understood why I would feel awkward.
It sounds selfish, but I did feel better.

Anyway - skip forward over a year and we've had a couple more meetings. We've felt a bit left out of conversation and I can only presume that Sarah knew about this kiss and perhaps had told Emma and now they think I'm some kind of shit-stirrer. Which I'm really not.
We ended up with Mark on our own at one point who was lovely and presumably knew what I had told Emma and didn't comment on it and neither did we.

About a month ago we saw that they had got together without us and while my DH is relieved that we are out of the loop, I feel like Paul has kind of sabotaged our friendship - we always had a good laugh. I also feel like Sarah is mad with me rather than with Paul! Although perhaps he told her that I had confessed something and has twisted it around??

I don't know.

It probably sounds really petty but it does hurt that all this crap got dumped on me and I feel like my only real crime was telling Emma. And I only did that because I was getting frustrated over Paul being a bit bossy about meeting up.

I want to call Paul on the phone and say that I'm mad with him but it will probably sound ridiculous after all this time. And even if he did say that Sarah knows about it now AND that I told Emma - what then? - we are hardly all going to sit around and laugh about it are we?

Me and DH do have friends but not necessarily couples that we socialise with together so this has made a bit of a dent in our social life. I know that probably sounds a bit pathetic! Again I've never had anything against Sarah - we just never particularly hit it off.

I feel a bit resentful looking at photos of them all laughing and joking when he's a weirdo who snogs his mate's girlfriend and then to top it all - gets drunk and tells people a few feet away from his fiance, and then shoves us/me out!

In the grand scheme of things I'm probably being over sensitive and was stupid to have repeated what I heard to anyone other than Sarah. But it's really pissing me off!

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:27:29

Paragraph 5: Wish I had encouraged Him to tell her.

Bloody hell, didn't realise how long this was. Sorry!

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:28:31

Paragraph 6: booked holiday before we were invited to wedding!

expatinscotland Tue 08-Mar-16 18:30:40

Just cut these people loose and find new friends.

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:32:34

Thanks for replying expat - I know you're right and I do have other friends. This has made me and DH make more effort to socialise with our individual friends and their partners, which is good.
It just left a bad taste in my mouth and I needed to rant. x

MatrixReloaded Tue 08-Mar-16 18:33:34

He was testing the water when he told you this. I'd have had nothing to do with them after that.

FelicityGubbins Tue 08-Mar-16 18:35:41

Tbh it's probably more that you didn't attend their wedding that has put you out of the loop than mentioning the kiss to mutual friends, that being said I would follow your DH's lead and be glad to be a distance away from them.

AyeAmarok Tue 08-Mar-16 18:39:15

It may be a case of "shoot the messenger" if Sarah now knows because it's easier for her to be mad at you, than to face the reality that she's married to a cheating prick. It's sad for her, but it's her issue, not yours.

I understand that it's unfair that you've been pushedyout, bit would you really want to be friends with someone you never hugely got along with anyway (Sarah) and someone who is an unfaithful arse, who drags you into it?

There will be better friends out there for you. Just let them go.

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:50:52

Hi Felicity - no Emma & Mark weren't at the wedding either. And not really a decent excuse either. In fact they decided not to go once me and DH said we were already away that weekend.

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:52:09

Yep Aye - you are right. I know. I think I just feel a bit annoyed that he has done something so stupid and then told someone and now I'm the one feeling in the wrong, which I know I partially am!

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 18:52:57

Matrix what do you mean? Do you think more went on?

MatrixReloaded Tue 08-Mar-16 19:05:40

It's just off Op.

Confessions of cheating are often a put the feelers out sort of thing. It achieves several things.

It creates intimacy between you and him.
It creates distance between you and his partner. (Or you and your partner )
It's a test about your views of cheating.

Personally I think it was a come on.

AnyFucker Tue 08-Mar-16 19:12:10

Yes, I think it was a coke on too

And then he realised he might be rumbled so he told Sarah you came on to him

AnyFucker Tue 08-Mar-16 19:12:30

*come not coke

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks Tue 08-Mar-16 19:33:35

I agree. I think it was a come on. Sounds like you are well rid of them.

You did actually tell Emma that you are trying to avoid Paul, right? So it's hardly surprising that she didn't invite you to their next meet up? If you'd still like to be friends with Emma and husband there is no reason not to ask them to something. No need to mention Paul and Sarah again.

BitchPeas Tue 08-Mar-16 19:38:17

Agree with AnyFucker had exactly the same thing happen to me, except I was single so easily accepted I had been the one to come on to him.

She'll wake up one day don't worry. You're probably not the first and won't be the last.

gamerchick Tue 08-Mar-16 19:48:03

I thought that he's told her you've tried it on with him.

That actually happened to me once and although gutted because I really got on with the lass I thought she wasn't much of a pal for believing him.

Let it go and find new mates. It's not worth the aggro.

AlexPKeaton Tue 08-Mar-16 19:55:19

How do you know this is all about what Paul told you? Friendships change for lots of reasons. It always hurts to feel left out but really these don't sound like particularly great people. Use this as an excuse for you and DH to make an effort to meet new friends or start a hobby you both enjoy (which will probably lead to new friends as a bonus).

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 20:43:43

Thanks for being so nice to me everyone! Was really worried I'd get a bollocking for not having a go at him about the kiss or for not encouraging him for coming clean.

Didn't occur to me about it being a come on! Blimey. He had been very kind to me in the run up to the meeting where he made this strange confession. Me and DH had had a problem to do with buying our house and because of Paul's job and me being a bit better at picking the phone up id rung him for some advice. He was really helpful about it. I'd say we spoke about half a dozen times in two weeks. DH was usually with me/in the house or car at the time. It was one of the times that I was on my own that he said him and Sarah weren't getting on and at this rate the wedding wouldn't be happening - this was when we had invited them out for a meal to say thanks for Paul's help. After the meal and when we had all had a few glasses of prosecco was when I said 'glad you and Sarah are back on track' and that's when he said this about his mate's girlfriend. He said that him and Sarah had always had a zero tolerance/deal breaker agreement about cheating etc. So that's why I said not to tell her then - but to be honest I just wanted him to stop talking about it!

It may well they just aren't very keen on me/DH - or we've put our foot in it some at, I know politically we are quite different and I think the girls were a bit sneering about something I put on Facebook around the time of the election. Maybe it's just run its course.

MatrixReloaded Tue 08-Mar-16 20:45:32

Look at it this way.

You said you'd never really hit it off with Sarah and mostly chatted to her partner. She likely noticed this. You say you detected a chill from her after this confession.She might have been frosty because she was annoyed at you having intimate chats with her partner just a few feet away. She wouldn't need to know the content of that conversation , just that it was intimate and likely hushed. I would be frosty with someone in those circumstances.

You also said Paul was very keen to meet up. Again this was probably noticed by Sarah. Paul was not keen to meet up with you because he was embarrassed. Paul was keen to meet up because it appeared to him that you agreed with his morals about cheating , that as long as he wasn't going to leave , or was in love with her , Sarah didn't need to know.

It's not your fault that Paul told you what he did , but if I was Sarah I wouldn't be keen to continue a friendship where someone wasn't very keen on me .

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 20:57:08

It's not that I'm not keen on her and I wasn't having an intimate chat with him - and when I first needed to ask paul about our house I went to her to mention in (didn't want to start randomly messaging a married friend without her being in the loop) at she was v nice about it and said she would give my number to him.

And as for having similar views on cheating - I had told him he was an idiot. I certainly wasn't patting him on the back or anything. I think I might have been guilty of telling him what he wanted to hear so that he would change the subject.

They actually once had a bit of a barney in front of us (and the other couple) - and I had stood up for Sarah/stood up to Paul and was a bit annoyed with him (he was being an idiot when he was a bit tiddly - a bit of a theme). I'm very much a girl's girl it just happens to be in this circumstance that me and Paul find similar things funny and are from the same town.

I hope she doesn't think I'm sniffing around him because that would be ridiculous! I don't mean to sound cruel but my DH is definitely a nicer - in all senses of the word - bloke than Paul.

MatrixReloaded Tue 08-Mar-16 21:12:04

I'm not accusing you of anything Op. It's just how it reads and how it would honestly look to me if I was Sarah.

In her shoes I would be aware that you were much more friendlier with my partner than me. The conversation about cheating absolutely was intimate. It was about her relationship and it happened just feet away from her.

Confiding in you about their relationship problems is an absolutely massive come on and very inappropriate. Nearly all affairs start this way.(I'm not saying you've had an affair ) but it does seem he's been trying to start something.

If my partner was confiding like this in a female friend (who I had never hit it off with ) I really wouldn't be happy. While she probably doesn't know what he's said , something probably feels off to her.

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 21:24:31

Yeah - sorry didn't mean to be defensive.

I suppose from my point of view it feels like she was always more interested in DH than me. I only really ended up chatting with Paul because we kind of got left on our own on occasion (not literally - just conversation wise). A couple of times DH and her would be talking about something to do with their jobs and when I asked about it DH would start to explain and she would be a bit dismissive like "oh we'll be here all night - it's a [industry DH works in] thing".
Also she once referred to someone (luckily not to their face) as the P word which I pulled her up on immediately. That seemed to piss her off but I given the circumstances (there were children in ear shot) I wasn't about to back track. Apart from that I've always tried and felt a bit like I wasn't getting anywhere. After a while I figured I'd have more fun talking to Mark and Paul which was usually telling stupid stories or talking about/quoting a stupid programme we liked as students. I grew up with four brothers (I'm the only girl) so am pretty comfortable chatting to blokes.

The content of the conversation (on his part) was intimate - but we were in a busy bar and there was a table seperating me and Paul and DH and Sarah so it wasn't like we were whispering in a corner or anything - if anything he was kind of shouting over the music/other people. I was terrified she would hear what he was saying! It sounds awful but I wish she had. They were staying at our house so - again I know I sound like a coward - but I kind of just wanted to brush it off and not say much.
DH was/is really cross with Paul for overstating but because he didn't witness the conversation didn't pull him up on it. Plus I dont really want DH speaking for me.

I'm so wound up!

nowyoucmo Tue 08-Mar-16 21:28:41

PS genuinely didn't see the whole come on angle. I mentioned this to DH a few minutes ago and he says that what HE thought and said at the time but I don't remember that. Think he just wants to sound clever grin

workedoutforthebest Tue 08-Mar-16 21:39:49

It wasn't Emma that Paul snogged, was it?

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