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To feel utterly betrayed (get a brew, this is going to be a long one).

(22 Posts)
NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 16:05:15

Right. I'll begin at the beginning..
I started talking to someone (again) on facebook four years ago, someone I went out with in my teens. They had left me for someone else (in fact they had repeatedly had sex with others behind my back - was even fired from her first job for shagging someone in the office - while they were dating me!),
But, I still had feelings for them. They said they were 'just a child, being childish' and I believed them.

It started perfectly innocently, just that it had been (a lot of) years since we had dated - a quick message to say 'how had it been so long?'

We quickly got talking and it was so easy, I had forgotten how...perceptive they were and I soon spilled everything to them. I was in the middle of a break up, my kids were in bits - and she was there on messenger in moments, helping me pick up the pieces. They said they were going through exactly the same.

Like a fool, I believed everything they told me and fell for them - completely - all over again.

After 18 months or so, we moved in together. Up to this point it had felt like a dream. I'd missed her so much over the years and now, they were back and they were mine. I was so lucky!

Then, a year or so after I moved in, the stories they had told me changed. They let slip that their ex, who had been "living in the spare room", who knew all about me... had not in fact known a thing and was still sharing a bed with her, right up to a few days before I moved in (If I had known that this was the case - I would have broken things off. I still feel guilty, I feel that I'm responsible for their break-up, even though I simply didn't know the truth).
Eventually she told me that what had started for me as a proper relationship, was in fact just an affair to her.

I stayed.. Well to be honest, I stayed because I felt really stupid. I should have known this was how it was, should have been smart enough to realise... I hadn't and this was my penance.

While we were living together she told me about a previous ex who was abusive. She told me about how she needed to keep the house, so she slowly nagged at him, picked and picked until he couldn't take it anymore and left. She said it broke her to have sex with him, that it made her feel like a prostitute. It made me feel physically sick when she told me this - How could she have done it, not once but over and over for a year or more?..

Fast forward to new year. I have known about a lot of this for a long time (drawn out by inches), but the worse she treated me, the more I wanted to prove that I was worth keeping.. I tried so hard. I spent all of the money I had left from the sale of my old home.

I got nothing back. Instead, she left me at home and took her daughter shopping in New York in January.

She's kept in touch with the ex, the one that was there just before me. He's in serious trouble with the police, but she doesn't believe anything could possibly be true - 'he's not like that'. He even sent a Christmas card thanking her for "all the support she's given him through such a difficult time".
I find out that when she went to New York, He met them at the airport and spent the day (night?) with them, before they flew out.

I had no idea how she actually felt about me right now and although I had pushed and pleaded with her to open up, she never did.
So, I resolved to move out. I was going to take the money I was putting into the household, the pots I washed and the clothes I cleaned... all that stuff out of the equation. She would know what she wanted - a lodger or a partner.

But we wouldn't break up, I would just give her space to see if she cared about me at all.

As soon as I was out, she 'pretended' that she'd misunderstood me. That she thought that I was saying it was all over. She's said its all my fault - that I should accept responsibility for the failed relationship.

This really hurt - how can her misunderstanding be my fault?
She said that She couldn't take me constantly demanding answers and that I've got what I deserved.

I've lost everything. She has (completely obviously now, done what she has done to everyone else).
I literally have nothing left but a few things and a bitter taste.

irlouise13 Tue 08-Mar-16 16:10:24

ehhhhh, what's your question exactly? DO you really need to be reassured that feeling betrayed is appropriate?

ElderlyKoreanLady Tue 08-Mar-16 16:19:29

You probably want this moving to relationships...plenty of posters there will be better placed to work through your feelings after a breakup and a one sided relationship.

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 16:37:11

Agreed.. It started as a rant when i started, by the time I'd finished it was more of a 'let it out' kind of thing.
I cant see a move button - I've asked for it to be moved by reporting the post?

ElderlyKoreanLady Tue 08-Mar-16 16:41:47

Yep, that's how it's done.

Good luck. Fwiw, she sounds fucking awful. flowers

VocationalGoat Tue 08-Mar-16 16:56:21

Used and manipulated to the nth degree.
It's just a shame you couldn't see it coming.
You never quite 'had' her. Maybe you continued to chase after this elusive, 'now you have me, now you don't' emotional tease, believing, with such good intentions, in a lie. Poor you. You've been played. Haven't we all?
This person is nothing but a hot mess.
All you can do is start again, put one foot in front of the other without looking back.
But get therapy... You must get support because this is the stuff that destroys people for years.
Try to regain your life. You just have to forget what you lost, embittered as you feel now- and rightly so! But try to keep moving forward and away from this 'experience' (to put it kindly). You have Now and that's what you need to work on making right.
Hugs and flowers

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 16:58:13

ElderlyKoreanLady: She's manipulative, controlling, judgemental, snobbish, argumentative, accusatory and completely Teflon.

but she's also funny, caring (odd, but true), intelligent and keeps a level head when everyone else loses theirs. She has the most strikingly beautiful eyes and I still...... I'm not going there. lets say I care. deeply. Even after all this... hangs head

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 17:03:32

NB: In case there is some kind of Suicide filter, I meant that I was looking shamefully downwards... not literally hanging.

VocationalGoat I've had counselling before. (Perhaps unsurprisingly) a couple of years ago, when I moved in and it wasn't quite what I expected.

It didn't suit me.
Sadly, neither do drugs.

I get through it with friends.. But having just moved - they are a in a bit of short supply.

Fairenuff Tue 08-Mar-16 17:21:06

What's your AIBU?

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 17:55:31

Fairenuff It started out as:
AIBU to feel betrayed - That she got me out under false pretences..
AIBU to feel angry - because I thought we were taking a step back, not breaking up.
AIBU to be utterly devastated, this wasn't what I wanted.

Like ElderlyKoreanLady said - it turned into more of a relationship post along the way...

springydaffs Tue 08-Mar-16 19:00:23

Blimey. You have been SERIOUSLY played sad

We're talking disaster zone here - her that is. More and more and more of the same if you hang around.

I knew someone like this - terribly clever, beautiful, accomplished.. but oh my goodness absolutely treacherous emotionally. Teflon? That about suns her up. She is no doubt still trawling through the population touching everyone with her kiss of death.

Stay away. Move back to your friends.

Arfarfanarf Tue 08-Mar-16 19:12:57

she is not caring.

She is not caring.

A caring person does not treat people as you describe. They simply do not.

What she does is act. That's how people like her sucker people like you. They wouldn't be successful if they didn't know how to play the nice person. Do not fool yourself that there is any part of her that cares for anyone other than her. (except maybe her child)

If all you experienced was the awful side of her, would you have sunk so deep? No. But by giving you 'funny' and 'caring' - she really screwed you over.

You are ascribing characteristics to her that are wholly incompatible with your description of her treatment of you and others. It's like saying that she's dedicated to animal welfare and she kicks dogs.

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 20:05:53

If someone kicked a dog, she'd be in bits.

Honestly though.. Act or not. She felt caring and she's the only person I've ever met who made me feel... Safe?...

I know that's a strange thing for a bloke to say. I never felt it before, but it's true.

Arfarfanarf Tue 08-Mar-16 20:14:37

how safe do you feel right now?

Fairenuff Tue 08-Mar-16 20:25:26

I think you have made some very poor decisions. She cheated on you and others. She admits lying and taking advantage of people. It's over now, never mind what she says, you don't have to do anything.

Block and delete her number. It's time to move on.

NoLongerMe Tue 08-Mar-16 21:49:12

I don't feel safe. Not at all.
I've never felt so exposed or alone.

And yes, I've made some horrific decisions, especially around sweeping things under the carpet.

Elllicam Tue 08-Mar-16 21:58:09

She sounds like a horrible woman. There are definitely nicer people out there. I'm sorry you had such a rough time sad

Arfarfanarf Tue 08-Mar-16 23:15:37

thanks men are people too! With emotions. Naturally they can get hurt just the same as women.

Yes you have made poor choices but learn from them. Its only a waste if you learn nothing.

TheNaze73 Wed 09-Mar-16 07:39:39

Feel for you, with any relationship you have to take a huge leap of faith & sadly she's doing a proper job on you. She sounds so self centered and only out for herself. I think you know your answers here but, good luck

NoLongerMe Wed 09-Mar-16 15:48:55

I know my answers, she's made her position very clear...

I'm just so hurt that she could lie for so long, so angry she couldn't be bothered to have an actual conversation with me and faked problems to mask that she just wanted me out..
I don't understand why she wasn't just honest - the house was hers, not joint in any way

I just feel like she was using me for the money coming in and the help around the house.

Fairenuff Wed 09-Mar-16 16:44:43

Yes, it sounds like she was. But there is no point being angry over it because you only upset yourself. The best revenge is to live a happy life. Get out and meet new people, spend some time on your own and maybe think about some counselling to talk over why you accepted this treatment.

You will be ok. It's hard now but the sooner you cut all ties with her and move on the better.

BMW6 Wed 09-Mar-16 17:37:48

Vile person. You deserve so much better flowers Thank God you are no longer with such a piss poor waste of air.

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