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Don't Know what to do(41 Posts)
Really sorry if this is a rambling message but I'm at my wits end. I have a son who is nearly two and my relationship with my dh is driving me insane and its very difficult to put it all down. In essence - our son was planned. However apart from 2 scans and booking appt i went to all other appts and scans alone - i had a complicated pregnancy. He drive me to work in the mornings but public transport took over an hour and there was no parking for me. I brought all the baby kit and organised everything for our arrival.
As for the birth - i had in induction, hyperstim and shoulder dystocia - he brought a coffee on the way when i called him even though i was 7cm and vomiting whilst on the phone. My ds when to the neonatal unit after but he only stayed with me one night as he moaned that he was tired and the reclining chair was uncomfortable. After I couldn't breast feed but he couldn't understand why this upset me so much. He got annoyed when I had to get him to run me to the docs to get antibiotics for a UTI.
During mat leave he worked late every night, I paid for practically everything for my ds and he gave me no money. I often got asked what I had done all day. He would shout at me if I was grumpy about the lack of support (he has never got up in the night for my son), he would shout and wake my ds up so i tried really hard to just put up with it.
We had decided when I was pregnant that he would be a SAH dad was i earn more and i've nearly finished my training as a junior doc. However the lack of support and lack of sleep (I was only getting 3-4 hours a night when my ds was 14 months old despite help from sleep consultants) meant i took a period of sick leave. A psych diagnosed me with depression - mainly secondary to my domestic situation. My dh said I was skiving and did more freelance work. When I eventually went back to work his work took precedence and I took days off if my ds was sick. My DH refuses relationship counselling.
I have no social life apart from play dates. I did go out for a soft drink for an hour when my ds was 6 wks old and I came back to find him secretly drinking in the connecting garage drinking and fixing his bike whilst my ds was left in a hot room without any monitor on. I have been to the gym once and he drank whilst i was there and shouted because i got back late because i walked home slowly with my friend and chatted and forgot to let him know.
He works mainly from home. Drinks over 10 unit of alcohol a night and I often have to come and fetch him because he was fallen asleep at his deal watching a film. He hasn't touched me since our ds was born.
He shouts if i get grumpy and has smashed by belongings in the past when cross.
I stay because I think of our wedding day and how things used to be, because like today he is doing the washing for once and got my son dressed and to nursery whilst I am writing reports because i was ill in the night. He cooks - albeit what he wants and really late. My ds adores him and he adores my son. Plus really stupidly I want another baby - desperately but realise the situation is not right at the moment. Plus I feel guilty because many years ago when I used to get back from work in dangerous places he couldn't care less - he gave me little attention. I used to find gay porn on our computer if I got back early. so I did have a few minor dalliances years before my DS was conceived (kisses with colleagues). this probably makes little sense and really is a snippet of what's going on and of course I know there are two sides to every story.
re your comment:-
"I stay because I think of our wedding day and how things used to be, because like today he is doing the washing for once and got my son dressed and to nursery whilst I am writing reports because i was ill in the night. He cooks - albeit what he wants and really late. My ds adores him and he adores my son".
Your wedding day was just that; one day. Such men like yours also do not change; are you waiting for change, for him to somehow morph back into Mr Nice All the Time Person. That was an act he put on for you. He is no decent example of a father figure either to his son, you really want him potentially growing up like his dad?.
Look properly at your marriage now. There is no intimacy or relationship to speak of. Problems also include his previous use of gay porn and his current drinking level. Not to mention his financial and emotional abuse as well. He has also smashed your belongings (I note not his); that is actually classed as domestic violence.
How can he be capable of looking after his son?. He is not above having a shout at you for being late because you walked home with a friend and you forgot to tell him. You do realise that such behaviour from him is rooted in power and control and thus abusive. He seems more like your jailer than your husband. He won't be "happy" until he has completely destroyed your life.
He is now doing the barest of bare minimums (to really keep you in line and unquestioning) and you seem sadly grateful he is even doing that.
He gets what he wants out of this but what is the attraction for you now, what do you get out of this relationship?.
None of what you write including the above are any reason at all for staying within this; you're just going to end up teaching your son really bad life lessons about relationships as well.
Why is your relationship bar so low; staying with this man will lead only to more misery for you and in turn your son. I would also state that your guilt from years ago is completely misplaced (I think that was you actually trying to get out of this bad relationship but you did not make that leap). He should be the one feeling guilty here and he does not.
Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you.
So from your OP he is likely an alcoholic, he is financially abusive (giving no money for baby things ), physically abusive smashed your belongings, emotionally abusive, controlling- why you have no social life and I bet you don't want the fallout of going to the gym again.
You're in a domestic abuse situation right now. You're a doctor - surely you can see this is not healthy and you need to get out of this relationship? <not snarky>
Thank-you Attila - I appreciate your reply. I see your point of view, I guess i can't help but think it is my fault. Am I too grumpy? do I moan too much about the lack of support. I did kick his arm once when I was really depressed and he told me to get back to work and out of my sons life. I just lost it as my son is my world. He is sarcastic in my face and winds me up by asking if I have taken my medication and tells me I am like my dad who was abusive when I was young. I have also grabbed him before when he was in my face shouting. I also shouted at him when I was at my parents and felt safe doing so. but all they see is me losing control and think its six of one half a dozen of the other. My MIL said it was fault he drink when I asked her to speak to him and then cried saying I was horrible for putting my troubles on to her and not taking her parenting advice in the past. (one of which being I should have bounced him in his baby chair with one foot whilst i got on with the ironing - dangerous???).
No it is not your fault. You are not responsible for the actions of another person and he has actively chosen to treat you so badly.
If your own father was abusive when you were growing up it is not altogether surprising that you went on to choose a man just like he; you were given a warped template of relationships and that has continued to the present day. You learnt a lot of damaging stuff from your own parents about relationships when growing up.
His mother unsurprisingly as well has taken her darling boy's side; she was always going to do that and thinks that he can never do any wrong. Her opinion counts for nothing, do not tell her anything from now on because she really cannot be relied upon either. She also, like your current H, needs to be gone from your life.
Womens Aid can and will help you move forward with your own life and that of your son. He deserves better from family life too.
He is a depressed alcoholic, who doesn't want sex with his wife. I suspect this stems from the fact that he is Gay, but for some reason, he is living a lie. Perhaps he got married and had a child, to try to paper over the cracks, because he is afraid to come out to his family? Either way, I don't think you can create a truly happy life with this man. Separate asap would be my advice.
I really do see what everybody is saying and believe me I'm humbled by people taking the time to reply. I just don't want to seem like i'm an angel, I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with. I worry too much, can be grumpy, and maybe play the martyr. And my son truly adores his father. The thought of him not being able to run up to him and kiss him when he gets home from nursery like his does not breaks my heart into a million pieces.
This man has broken your heart into a million pieces. Intentionally
My advice for starters. Write Abuser Profiles in the search box above. Read all the types and let us know if you recognise your husband
He is full scale abusive
What would your counsel be to another woman in a relationship like yours?.
Many women in abusive situations usually say that they are not perfect either and also blame themselves for their man's abuses of them.
I am not surprised you worry given your situation at home which is really akin to a warzone. Your H is conducting his own private war against you.
How can you state that your son adores his father?. Children are programmed to love their parents no matter how awful they are; I bet you still love your dad on some level. He will learn over time just how awful his dad acts towards you as his mum and will learn that this is how men behave in relationships. Its no legacy to leave your son.
Do you not think that yes you are actually worth more?.
Re this part of your comment:-
"The thought of him not being able to run up to him and kiss him when he gets home from nursery"
Your son will grow up and he will be rejected as surely as you have been by this man you are currently shackled to. Its still no reason to stay within this, your H only cares about his own sorry self here. Certainly not you or his child.
Your son adores his father because he's 2 and so has no idea he is a (probably) gay alcaholic abuser who treats his Mum like crap.
As your son gets older he will start to see the damage this relationship is doing and he will end up messed up so please leave now while it's not too late.
As a Doctor imagine a patient had told you this - what would you say?
Your husband is an abusive alcoholic.
Please read the abuser profiles thread and the book that's quoted: Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
You mentioned being diagnosed with depression - did you tell your GP or psychologist about your relationship issues? And did you get any therapy? I think it would be really helpful to you at this time.
Whatever you do, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will help you to understand that the problem is him, not you, and can advise on what to do next.
PS I forgot to say also that the Freedom Programme could be helpful.
I just went to ask him what he means when he says I'm an evil f-ing witch - apparently it was when I asked him to close the door again because I was concentrating on a report I was writing. Ultimately I know what I need to do. AnotherEmma - I had a couple of sessions of counselling but that was it. My psych knew about my relationship issues - at that point my h was threatening to try and take my son if I left. They said my mental health wouldn't really improves until my domestic issues changed
Did your psych refer you to Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse support service?
No he suggested I went to relate. I suggest this to my h who said he was too busy and if I organised it after Christmas - this was in late October - he might attend
I'm really sorry to go on and on but I just feel at the end of my tether. I just happened to mop the kitchen floor as I had been sitting writing on my computer all day. My husband had a go at me for procrastinating and started shouting at me. Then told me well done for causing arguments today. I'm so angry yet so sad.
Just leave - I can't see there is any salvaging of this relationship. He isn't going to change and you don't want your DS to model this behaviour in his future do you?
How is the housing situation?
For gods sake leave... you are an obviously intelligent woman why would you put yourself through this existence.....
We rent these days - it's in my name and I pay all the rent and all the childcare. I pointed that out rather horribly today
Would not bother with Relate as it would be a waste of time. I would suggest you use the services of Womens Aid instead.
All that you write are words of someone in an abusive relationship (right down to when he threatens to take your child away; that is a common tactic used by abusive men as well).
Fine he can go then....at the very least it will be a wake up call.
Guess I am extremely fortunate that although it will be tight (he pays for food generally) I am financially independent
Unfortunately it will be a police involvement issue - as he has refused to leave many times before
Sonicgirl, if you are on doctors.net.UK you will also get good advice on The Couch forum there. I agree with what has been said. Good luck with everything.
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