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Don't Know what to do

40 replies

Sonicgirl · 08/03/2016 13:08

Really sorry if this is a rambling message but I'm at my wits end. I have a son who is nearly two and my relationship with my dh is driving me insane and its very difficult to put it all down. In essence - our son was planned. However apart from 2 scans and booking appt i went to all other appts and scans alone - i had a complicated pregnancy. He drive me to work in the mornings but public transport took over an hour and there was no parking for me. I brought all the baby kit and organised everything for our arrival.
As for the birth - i had in induction, hyperstim and shoulder dystocia - he brought a coffee on the way when i called him even though i was 7cm and vomiting whilst on the phone. My ds when to the neonatal unit after but he only stayed with me one night as he moaned that he was tired and the reclining chair was uncomfortable. After I couldn't breast feed but he couldn't understand why this upset me so much. He got annoyed when I had to get him to run me to the docs to get antibiotics for a UTI.
During mat leave he worked late every night, I paid for practically everything for my ds and he gave me no money. I often got asked what I had done all day. He would shout at me if I was grumpy about the lack of support (he has never got up in the night for my son), he would shout and wake my ds up so i tried really hard to just put up with it.
We had decided when I was pregnant that he would be a SAH dad was i earn more and i've nearly finished my training as a junior doc. However the lack of support and lack of sleep (I was only getting 3-4 hours a night when my ds was 14 months old despite help from sleep consultants) meant i took a period of sick leave. A psych diagnosed me with depression - mainly secondary to my domestic situation. My dh said I was skiving and did more freelance work. When I eventually went back to work his work took precedence and I took days off if my ds was sick. My DH refuses relationship counselling.
I have no social life apart from play dates. I did go out for a soft drink for an hour when my ds was 6 wks old and I came back to find him secretly drinking in the connecting garage drinking and fixing his bike whilst my ds was left in a hot room without any monitor on. I have been to the gym once and he drank whilst i was there and shouted because i got back late because i walked home slowly with my friend and chatted and forgot to let him know.
He works mainly from home. Drinks over 10 unit of alcohol a night and I often have to come and fetch him because he was fallen asleep at his deal watching a film. He hasn't touched me since our ds was born.
He shouts if i get grumpy and has smashed by belongings in the past when cross.
I stay because I think of our wedding day and how things used to be, because like today he is doing the washing for once and got my son dressed and to nursery whilst I am writing reports because i was ill in the night. He cooks - albeit what he wants and really late. My ds adores him and he adores my son. Plus really stupidly I want another baby - desperately but realise the situation is not right at the moment. Plus I feel guilty because many years ago when I used to get back from work in dangerous places he couldn't care less - he gave me little attention. I used to find gay porn on our computer if I got back early. so I did have a few minor dalliances years before my DS was conceived (kisses with colleagues). this probably makes little sense and really is a snippet of what's going on and of course I know there are two sides to every story.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2016 13:31

Sonic

re your comment:-

"I stay because I think of our wedding day and how things used to be, because like today he is doing the washing for once and got my son dressed and to nursery whilst I am writing reports because i was ill in the night. He cooks - albeit what he wants and really late. My ds adores him and he adores my son".

Your wedding day was just that; one day. Such men like yours also do not change; are you waiting for change, for him to somehow morph back into Mr Nice All the Time Person. That was an act he put on for you. He is no decent example of a father figure either to his son, you really want him potentially growing up like his dad?.

Look properly at your marriage now. There is no intimacy or relationship to speak of. Problems also include his previous use of gay porn and his current drinking level. Not to mention his financial and emotional abuse as well. He has also smashed your belongings (I note not his); that is actually classed as domestic violence.

How can he be capable of looking after his son?. He is not above having a shout at you for being late because you walked home with a friend and you forgot to tell him. You do realise that such behaviour from him is rooted in power and control and thus abusive. He seems more like your jailer than your husband. He won't be "happy" until he has completely destroyed your life.

He is now doing the barest of bare minimums (to really keep you in line and unquestioning) and you seem sadly grateful he is even doing that.

He gets what he wants out of this but what is the attraction for you now, what do you get out of this relationship?.

None of what you write including the above are any reason at all for staying within this; you're just going to end up teaching your son really bad life lessons about relationships as well.

Why is your relationship bar so low; staying with this man will lead only to more misery for you and in turn your son. I would also state that your guilt from years ago is completely misplaced (I think that was you actually trying to get out of this bad relationship but you did not make that leap). He should be the one feeling guilty here and he does not.

Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you.