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The old 'I want another baby...he doesn't' problem and how can I get over this?

(11 Posts)
MrsF2016 Tue 08-Mar-16 08:55:33

I am 35, my husband is 37. We have been together for 15 years, we have a good marriage, a happy home and 2 beautiful children age 8 and 5. We are moving to a bigger home later this year and we are financially stable...not well off but no worries as such. I really want another baby, it's like a craving that won't go away. We agreed on just 2 and dh is happy with that. Every now and then (...like when a friend or relative has a baby or announces a pregnancy) although I am delighted for them I get really sad that I will never have that again. I love being pregnant, I love having a newborn and watching them grow. I love all of it. It's like a grieving process every time I remember I'm not allowed another child and sometimes it hits me quite hard. I realise grieving for something I haven't had is quite ridiculous. Dh has sensible reasons for not having more and I agree with him on most and it's not like I'm actually asking for another. What I want to know is, will this feeling (craving) ever go away? I am extremely grateful for the babies I already have but can't push away this feeling of wanting more!

iamtotallyserious Tue 08-Mar-16 09:01:59

I have nothing really helpful to add I'm afraid, I have just had number three and immediately knew I wanted another confused I felt the same after number two.

I have also therefore been wondering if that feeling ever goes away... A friend I was talking to said she assumed that if one is of childbearing age, it would be normal to feel like you always want one more. I had never really considered this as I have spoken to lots of people who said 'when I had number 1/2/3/whatever, I knew I was done / my family was complete'.

I guess focusing on your children and their next stages is a positive, and also the freedom you get with having older children.

I really feel for you though as I really want another, but I worry I may always want one more and at some point one has to stop I guess, for whatever reason (age/money/sanity).

MrsF2016 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:12:29

Ah thank you for your lovely reply. And congratulations on baby number 3 xx. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. Having children is tough and my husband asks me why I would want to start all over again. I guess it could just be a biological thing, a strong maternal pull. I adore my children, they are my world and I long for another. Common sense (...and my husband) tells me it's and silly idea but the feeling gets me down and I know it shouldn't. I don't even talk about it anymore as I'm sure it irritates the crap out of him even though he tries to be supportive. And you're right, if by some miracle I was 'allowed' another I would probably just want one after that. Where does it end?! I don't feel 'done' even though I know I am.

pocketsaviour Tue 08-Mar-16 09:19:29

We all feel biological urges that we have to recognise as hormonally-driven, and be ruled by our heads instead.

Otherwise we'd spend our lives popping out kids, eating doughnuts until we weigh 30 stone, and banging hot strangers.

MrsF2016 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:27:34

That's what I mean, I know it's all emotional and I just wanted to know if other people feel this way and will it ever bloody end?

Not sure any hot strangers would want to bang us if we had 20 kids and weighed 30 stone anyway ha ha grin

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo Tue 08-Mar-16 09:44:30

Do you feel resentful of your dh for making this choice?
I'm in a similar boat and I know I have those feelings and I wonder sometimes what damage they do to our marriage.

Jw35 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:47:44

It's completely natural to want more children and get broody. I'm 36 and for 11 years had an only child. Now I have a (12 year old), 14 month old and another on the way and I still don't know if I'm done.
It's very personal how many children you have, no amount of sensible reasoning stops the broodiness. Having children isn't sensible mostly!
I'd talk frankly to your oh about how you really feel, you never know he might be willing to have one more. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, it's just not the same as your oh.

MrsF2016 Tue 08-Mar-16 09:49:35

I don't like to admit it but yes, deep down I do feel a little bit resentful. I sometimes wonder why the person who does not want something takes priority over the person who does if that makes sense. But this is a marriage and a baby is a huge deal and I would never bring a child in to the world if it isn't something we don't both want. But yes, the feeling of resentment is there although I try so hard not to allow it to consume me.

ChilliMum Tue 08-Mar-16 09:57:33

I don't think it ever goes away but I do think the intensity gets less and the rational part gets stronger.
I had a difficult birth with my second and was ill for a while after. I felt as though I had missed out so much and I was desperate to have another. The feelings were quite intense. Dh felt as strongly against it.
No w my youngest is 5 and I am over 40 and the chance of having another much less likely. I am OK with it, I have the odd pang of jelousy when someone announces their pregnancy or I see a new born but mostly I love the freedom we have and the variety of things we can do as a family now a lot of which would not be possible with a new born.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo Tue 08-Mar-16 10:09:04

I feel resentful for exactly those reasons, that the person who doesn't want it always 'wins ' but my dh is just an ultra cautious person. He won't move house either even though we could easily afford it.

ordinaryman Tue 08-Mar-16 11:07:46

Would adopting be a mutually agreeable option?

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