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I need a female perspective

(21 Posts)
HeroToNero Tue 08-Mar-16 08:38:07

Hello all, long time male lurker, looking for some female help?

Been in a relationship now, for 22 months. We get on great, have lots of laughs but, some little things are bugging me. Just want to check its normal as I've never experienced them in my 46 years on the planet.

We see each other about 5 times a week, one of us will only stay over once per week, which feels a bit odd. When I see her midweek, she very rarely makes an effort, falls asleep or is preoccupied. I wouldn't mind that if we were say, living together but, it feels like we're no longer dating, so long down the line yet, not in a relationship as we're not doing the living together bit either. If I ever mention it, I'm told I'm pressuring her & that it hasn't even been two years yet. However, she has a 25 year old daughter, who's boyfriend stays over 7 days a week and she sees this as acceptable & normal and they've only been together 5 months.

By and large, things are great but, am I being needy here? She's slightly older than me & we're both divorced.

Can I ask, am I being needy here, wanting more after nearly 2 years in a relationship? If I'm not getting exactly what I want, should i end it? My gut feel is she's complacent to it all.

doesitevermakesense Tue 08-Mar-16 08:41:07

So her daughter's bf stays there (lives there?), but you are only staying there once a week? Do you have children? Do you ask to stay over? Eg if you are there midweek and sitting on the sofa could you suggest you just stay rather than get up and go home?

antimatter Tue 08-Mar-16 08:49:20

Not enough details!
I have bf anf if I was seeing him 5 times a week but we weren't living together I wouldn't have enough time for the usual housework/admin/keeping in touch with friends and fsmily activities. I work ft. Does she?
Falling asleep after meals may be a sign of diabetes ir her staying up late after you left to catch up with her chores smile

I think you would like to carry on a romance of a new couple whilst she moved onbto the next stage of relationship.

HeroToNero Tue 08-Mar-16 08:54:34

I would love to move the relationship to the next stage. At the moment as I was saying I just don't feel like in either dating (and the good bits that go with it) or in an established relationship (and all the good bits that go with that) I have 3 boys that live with their Mum. My gf has 2 adult children, 1 that lives with her. Whenever I ask her, she declines my offer to stay at mine

TheNaze73 Tue 08-Mar-16 08:57:29

She sounds like she's not that into you. Either that or she's got you exactly where she wants you. If you're not happy, end it. I wouldn't put up with that

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Tue 08-Mar-16 08:57:39


antimatter Tue 08-Mar-16 09:01:26

What is the reason she gives for not staying at your place?

doesitevermakesense Tue 08-Mar-16 09:03:24

have you tried talking to her about this?

HeroToNero Tue 08-Mar-16 09:04:11

Asked her BlueEyes said it was too soon. When I asked when isn't too soon, I got I don't know, stop pressuring me

ALaughAMinute Tue 08-Mar-16 09:05:38

When I see her midweek, she very rarely makes an effort, falls asleep or is preoccupied. I wouldn't mind that if we were say, living together but, it feels like we're no longer dating

My gut feel is she's complacent to it all.

Are you sure you want to take the relationship to the next stage? It doesn't sound very exciting and by the sound of it she's making no effort at all!

Perhaps she's not the woman for you?

Keeptrudging Tue 08-Mar-16 09:10:46

It sounds like she'd rather just be 'dating', maybe just seeing you a few times a week but not all the time. If you're looking for a partnership/commitment, I don't think she's the one for you.

ohforfoxsake Tue 08-Mar-16 09:11:41

Have a conversation.

Tell her you need to talk to her, ask her how she sees her future and if you are in it.

Decide what you want and tell her.

Then either you both work at it because you want the same things and make a bit of effort, or you say goodbye.

If she fobs you off with a 'too soon to have that conversation' tell her the time is right for you to have it and be prepared to walk away or go with her timescales, frustrating as they may be.

OzzieFem Tue 08-Mar-16 14:24:17

OP I think it's time to move on. You have become the occasional male/female date that unattached older female/males find useful as a companion. flowers

HeroToNero Tue 08-Mar-16 15:05:22

Thank you all for your kind words. I have text her saying I'd like to talk later & got "here we go again" back from her. Decision made I think.

TheNaze73 Tue 08-Mar-16 15:08:55

I think so too. How disrespectful? You'll get the inevitable, I'll change bs from her when she realises you're serious or good riddance, as she's not been prepared to do the dirty work herself. Either way block her & move on. Good luck Hero, you deserve better than that.

April229 Tue 08-Mar-16 15:35:50

Sounds a bit complacent. Perhaps you are not on the same page about what you want? Sounds like she wants a male friend / companion and you want a 'proper' relationship.

I think perhaps you should suggest that if she is falling alseep so much on the nights you see each other she takes some time out to catch up on sleep and gives you a call when it's a better time to catch up when she will feel more awake able to make it quality time. Perhaps out of the house somewhere. In the meantime perhaps you should both feel that you can see others in the meantime - with all disrespect no one is getting any younger. If she is not in a place where she can make this a priority after two years, no hard feelings, but you want to move on to look for someone who feels more like you do about relationships. If this doesn't make her stop in her tracks I'd be amazed.

However the conversation goes I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to have a break - it could do you both some good to step back and have a think....I imagine that there are a lot of ladies who would be looking for the same thing as you outside this relationship.

SanityClause Tue 08-Mar-16 15:46:49

I agree with others that she doesn't want the same things that you want.

If a relationship isn't working for you, it's fine to leave it for any reason.

SanityClause Tue 08-Mar-16 15:50:08

As for the "put a ring on it" comment. Uuurgh!

And j have to say, if I were in your partner's position, I wouldn't want to get married, and potentially dilute my DC's inheritance. (This doesn't apply to living together, though, which she is also not seeming to want to do.)

ohforfoxsake Tue 08-Mar-16 16:14:55

Sadly she sounds as though she has no respect for you or consideration for your feelings - based on her response alone.

Life is too short.

Jan45 Tue 08-Mar-16 16:43:02

What a horrible reply to a perfectly ok request - move on OP, that's plain nasty.

HeroToNero Tue 08-Mar-16 17:19:55

Thank you everyone. It's nice to get some clarity on this, she was making me feel like I was being unreasonable for wanting to discuss our future or lack of it. I've told her if she's not prepared to talk, I'm not prepared to come around and cook for them all this evening

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