Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need a female perspective

20 replies

HeroToNero · 08/03/2016 08:38

Hello all, long time male lurker, looking for some female help?

Been in a relationship now, for 22 months. We get on great, have lots of laughs but, some little things are bugging me. Just want to check its normal as I've never experienced them in my 46 years on the planet.

We see each other about 5 times a week, one of us will only stay over once per week, which feels a bit odd. When I see her midweek, she very rarely makes an effort, falls asleep or is preoccupied. I wouldn't mind that if we were say, living together but, it feels like we're no longer dating, so long down the line yet, not in a relationship as we're not doing the living together bit either. If I ever mention it, I'm told I'm pressuring her & that it hasn't even been two years yet. However, she has a 25 year old daughter, who's boyfriend stays over 7 days a week and she sees this as acceptable & normal and they've only been together 5 months.

By and large, things are great but, am I being needy here? She's slightly older than me & we're both divorced.

Can I ask, am I being needy here, wanting more after nearly 2 years in a relationship? If I'm not getting exactly what I want, should i end it? My gut feel is she's complacent to it all.

OP posts:

Report

doesitevermakesense · 08/03/2016 08:41

So her daughter's bf stays there (lives there?), but you are only staying there once a week? Do you have children? Do you ask to stay over? Eg if you are there midweek and sitting on the sofa could you suggest you just stay rather than get up and go home?

antimatter · 08/03/2016 08:49

Not enough details!
I have bf anf if I was seeing him 5 times a week but we weren't living together I wouldn't have enough time for the usual housework/admin/keeping in touch with friends and fsmily activities. I work ft. Does she?
Falling asleep after meals may be a sign of diabetes ir her staying up late after you left to catch up with her chores

I think you would like to carry on a romance of a new couple whilst she moved onbto the next stage of relationship.

HeroToNero · 08/03/2016 08:54

I would love to move the relationship to the next stage. At the moment as I was saying I just don't feel like in either dating (and the good bits that go with it) or in an established relationship (and all the good bits that go with that) I have 3 boys that live with their Mum. My gf has 2 adult children, 1 that lives with her. Whenever I ask her, she declines my offer to stay at mine

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 08/03/2016 08:57

She sounds like she's not that into you. Either that or she's got you exactly where she wants you. If you're not happy, end it. I wouldn't put up with that

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 08/03/2016 08:57

PUT A RING ON IT. SIMPLES.

antimatter · 08/03/2016 09:01

What is the reason she gives for not staying at your place?

doesitevermakesense · 08/03/2016 09:03

have you tried talking to her about this?

HeroToNero · 08/03/2016 09:04

Asked her BlueEyes said it was too soon. When I asked when isn't too soon, I got I don't know, stop pressuring me

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 08/03/2016 09:05

When I see her midweek, she very rarely makes an effort, falls asleep or is preoccupied. I wouldn't mind that if we were say, living together but, it feels like we're no longer dating

My gut feel is she's complacent to it all.

Are you sure you want to take the relationship to the next stage? It doesn't sound very exciting and by the sound of it she's making no effort at all!

Perhaps she's not the woman for you?

Keeptrudging · 08/03/2016 09:10

It sounds like she'd rather just be 'dating', maybe just seeing you a few times a week but not all the time. If you're looking for a partnership/commitment, I don't think she's the one for you.

ohforfoxsake · 08/03/2016 09:11

Have a conversation.

Tell her you need to talk to her, ask her how she sees her future and if you are in it.

Decide what you want and tell her.

Then either you both work at it because you want the same things and make a bit of effort, or you say goodbye.

If she fobs you off with a 'too soon to have that conversation' tell her the time is right for you to have it and be prepared to walk away or go with her timescales, frustrating as they may be.

OzzieFem · 08/03/2016 14:24

OP I think it's time to move on. You have become the occasional male/female date that unattached older female/males find useful as a companion.

HeroToNero · 08/03/2016 15:05

Thank you all for your kind words. I have text her saying I'd like to talk later & got "here we go again" back from her. Decision made I think.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 08/03/2016 15:08

I think so too. How disrespectful? You'll get the inevitable, I'll change bs from her when she realises you're serious or good riddance, as she's not been prepared to do the dirty work herself. Either way block her & move on. Good luck Hero, you deserve better than that.

April229 · 08/03/2016 15:35

Sounds a bit complacent. Perhaps you are not on the same page about what you want? Sounds like she wants a male friend / companion and you want a 'proper' relationship.

I think perhaps you should suggest that if she is falling alseep so much on the nights you see each other she takes some time out to catch up on sleep and gives you a call when it's a better time to catch up when she will feel more awake able to make it quality time. Perhaps out of the house somewhere. In the meantime perhaps you should both feel that you can see others in the meantime - with all disrespect no one is getting any younger. If she is not in a place where she can make this a priority after two years, no hard feelings, but you want to move on to look for someone who feels more like you do about relationships. If this doesn't make her stop in her tracks I'd be amazed.

However the conversation goes I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to have a break - it could do you both some good to step back and have a think....I imagine that there are a lot of ladies who would be looking for the same thing as you outside this relationship.

SanityClause · 08/03/2016 15:46

I agree with others that she doesn't want the same things that you want.

If a relationship isn't working for you, it's fine to leave it for any reason.

SanityClause · 08/03/2016 15:50

As for the "put a ring on it" comment. Uuurgh!

And j have to say, if I were in your partner's position, I wouldn't want to get married, and potentially dilute my DC's inheritance. (This doesn't apply to living together, though, which she is also not seeming to want to do.)

ohforfoxsake · 08/03/2016 16:14

Sadly she sounds as though she has no respect for you or consideration for your feelings - based on her response alone.

Life is too short.

Jan45 · 08/03/2016 16:43

What a horrible reply to a perfectly ok request - move on OP, that's plain nasty.

HeroToNero · 08/03/2016 17:19

Thank you everyone. It's nice to get some clarity on this, she was making me feel like I was being unreasonable for wanting to discuss our future or lack of it. I've told her if she's not prepared to talk, I'm not prepared to come around and cook for them all this evening

OP posts:

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.