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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I have reached a crunch point

11 replies

Needsomehelp123 · 08/03/2016 06:26

I am a regular but have changed my name for this post.
I will try to be as brief as I can. I had a childhood where I was an audience to my parents screaming matches. I was always very complient. This changed when I met my DH who made me realise that I did have a choice as to whether or not to do certain things e.g it was ok to spend Christmas in our own home. This has led to a number of rows over the years which have really upset me and caused anxiety. We now have a DS and until now he has not been witness. I have been more concerned recently about my parents drinking and every evening when we see them both get very drunk. Roll on to recently and a row erupted when I stood up for my son as I felt he was being picked on. I feel terrible that my son saw a row and I did play some part in it. What has upset me is that he is now witness to this and in fact the row was blamed on him as being manipulative. There is a special event my family and due to me worrying about a reoccurrence I have asked them to come the next day rather than on the day as planned. They are now refusing to come and laying the guilt on me. We were all in the wrong and I haven't acknowledged this just blamed them. Should I explain further my reasons for changing the arrangements?? Feeling very confused.

OP posts:

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Caprinihahahaha · 08/03/2016 06:29

No. You shouldn't explain further.

Decide what is best for your son and do that. Everything else is secondary and justifying yourself to your pissed parents about their picking on your son is not important.

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Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2016 06:36

It depends. Are they, at heart, reasonable people who are likely to fall in line if you explain it better, or is it going to carry on being difficult unless you comply with what they want? From your description it sounds worryingly like the latter.

I don't think being involved in a row necessarily makes you responsible for it, if you were standing up for your DS. (Manipulative? Is that likely? How old is he?) Most of us would be quite triumphantly protective of our children, not apologetic. Be proud of your tigress credentials and celebrate how far you've come from the meek child you were.

Lastly, if seeing them drunk in the evenings upsets you, there is a solution which is going to sound really radical at this point, but which I'm sure your DH would be fully on board with: don't visit them in the evenings! Make sure you go home by the time they've reached for the third glass. You can't spend your entire adult life, and the life of your child, sitting around waiting for your parents to start a row with you when they're drunk enough. There's stuff at home you'd be better off doing instead like watching some paint dry.

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Needsomehelp123 · 08/03/2016 08:19

I think if I don't comply then it will just carry on and they won't see 'my' side. I feel awful and have been awake much of the night. My sensible head knows I have been programmed to feel like this but it doesn't make it any easier. Hence venting here. The last message said they weren't coming that weekend at all. The ball is now in my court. If I don't reply Indon't think they will ever contact me again. You only get one set of parents. Makes it so hard!

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Owllady · 08/03/2016 08:30

Have you considered that they don't ever see your side? :(

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Anniegetyourgun · 08/03/2016 08:36

Gosh, would they really cut you out for that? So uncompromising to their own child? You may be better off if they do, to be devastatingly honest (and DS may also be better off without that sort of grandparent). But if you do reply, and I can see why you feel you need to, something neutral but uncompromising like "I understand. You are entitled to your decision" might keep the door open whilst not allowing them to trample all over you. Then they still won't come on this weekend and will blame you for it, but they will probably forgive you enough to keep shouting at you, if that's what you consider a result

True we only get one set of parents, but sadly some of them are seriously under-qualified for the job. Mind you I can't speak from experience as I had The Right Sort of Mother, and sort-of mostly The Right Sort of Father. I'd have had to do something truly heinous like mass murder for them to have stopped speaking to me. People who would drop their own daughter and grandson over a spat involving a weekend's activity (even an important one) have so many of their own issues that it's a pity they got around to breeding. You deserve to have been born to somebody nice.

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antimatter · 08/03/2016 08:40

You also have one ds who was being called manipulative by the people who are trying to manipulate you.
The botyom line is that yhey are most likely alcoholocs and will blame the whole world for their bad decisions. You can't change them.
It must be painful having to make decisions like that but your own family has to come ahead of your parents.

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pocketsaviour · 08/03/2016 08:41

They are not going to see your side, no matter what you do.

If you don't apologise to them for protecting your son and stopping them using him as an emotional punchbag, they will decide you're a faithless, ungrateful child.

If you do apologise for protecting your son, they will continue to see you, and your son, as an acceptable target to take out their own negative emotions on.

What they won't do, ever, is see you and your son as human beings with rights.

Having a read of If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth might be helpful for you.

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iseenodust · 08/03/2016 08:44

Reply with 'sorry you feel like that. the invitation to come on following day stands'. Ball in their court.

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bakeoffcake · 08/03/2016 08:47

So you stood up for your son and they are refusing to visit?
Your parents are bullying and alcoholics. Good for you for putting your son first. I know it makes you feel bad BUT you are a mum and you need to do that for your son.

I have been in your position, mum and her second H were alcoholics, their behaviour was atrocious in the evenings. I simply stopped seeming them past about 4 o'clock. I wasn't letting my dds see that.

Please have the confidence to stick to your instincts and protect your son

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chipmonkey · 08/03/2016 09:34

If being involved in the row means that you stood up for your son, then it's a good thing that he saw that. Now he knows that Mum is always in his corner.
THEY are being manipulative. I would be tempted to message back "Fine by me".

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Needsomehelp123 · 08/03/2016 17:47

I think I am really challenging them as they have completely over stepped the mark this time involving my son. This is why I feel so sick as it is not something I have done for a few years and it makes me feel really odd. I need to have confidence in my own thoughts and decisions. This pattern can't continue into his childhood too. He is 14 by the way and was being a sulky teenage about a day out! My husband wants to explain more as at least we are then clear. Unsure at the moment. Thank you for all your thoughts - it really helps!