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BF chronic illness, relationship changed, what can I do?

(9 Posts)
ThisIsme2 Tue 08-Mar-16 04:46:43

We've been together for seven months, but the first four months we only saw each other at alternate weekends, until I moved closer to my bf. During that time and for the next month or so it was very loving and passionate, although he's always been quiet and very shy, easily embarrassed. We spoke every day whilst I lived further away, we've seen each other every day since I moved closer. I adored him, thought he was the man of my dreams, I'd never felt love like this before.

He has a chronic illness that means he often feels unwell and very tired. I knew this from the start and the effect it has on him, but it's worse than I expected, more often than I expected ..

Now we rarely sleep together and don't kiss much either. The love letters have stopped, the declarations of love too, except for a quick Love you at bedtime. We don't spend the night together, because I have a daughter and he doesn't sleep well at mine anyway - and because he's not well he needs his sleep. I understand that.

He assures me he still loves me when I raise the subject. That it's just that he feels unwell. I don't know to cope with it and not feel terrible. I feel like I don't turn him on anymore, that he doesn't love me the way he used to. I miss the way it was. It's knocked my self confidence - which isn't great at the best of times.

When we do have sex it isn't satisfying for me. He's quickly exhausted, even oral sex is too much for him, so I feel under pressure to climax quickly, which of course doesn't help.

I don't know how to behave. I don't want to put too much pressure on him, he has enough to deal with. But on the other hand I want to save our relationship ... If I can.

It probably sounds pathetic, please don't have a go. It's just, I thought I'd found the love of my life, he's gorgeous and smells lovely, he's a lovely kind, interesting person and I want to kiss him all the time!

Anyone been in a similar situation or have any thoughts? I can't let this die without a fight.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Tue 08-Mar-16 06:40:31

You moved your daughter to live near a man you'd only been seeing alternate weekends for 4 months? (What, 8 times?)

And you've never felt love like it?

Sex is shit but he's gorgeous and he smells nice?

The reason you have asked people not to have a go is that you know this is a ridiculous situation. It's dead in the water.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 08-Mar-16 06:42:56

What changed when you moved closer?

niceupthedance Tue 08-Mar-16 06:49:03

Maybe he only wants someone who'd be happy with a once a fortnight relationship? Have you talked to him about it? What does he say?

Baconyum Tue 08-Mar-16 06:54:56

Love is about wanting the best for the person you love, not what you can get out of it. You knew he had a chronic illness. This is an incredibly hard thing to live with and few people know what its like. You've also involved your daughter in all this I agree with still awake...far too soon. (How old is she?).

Take a step back, help and support him to get every medical and supportive help he needs to cope. His health comes before your sexual frustration.

SummerHouse Tue 08-Mar-16 07:07:01


Some time and space might help.

Life is not fair sometimes. Who knows how easy your relationship might be if he did not have a chronic illness. You write like it is worth trying so just be patient and see where it goes. I think the more you want at the moment the less he will want to give.

Previous posters incredibly harsh this morning to someone in a tough situation asking for help. Poor show!

ThisIsme2 Tue 08-Mar-16 07:26:36

I know his health comes before my sexual frustration.

I'm not asking for advice about my dd, she's fine. And it's not just about me. I just am finding it difficult and was looking for some advice.

ThisIsme2 Tue 08-Mar-16 07:31:45

And I am trying to support him, I've never done anything else.

Morasssassafras Tue 08-Mar-16 07:47:49

You say as part of the chronic illness that he feels very tired. Is it possible that seeing you every day means that is getting worse. Can you perhaps cut down how often you see each other and see if that helps at all.

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