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Fed up with my passive aggressive ex - talks down to me all the time!(11 Posts)
I have a 4 yo DD with my ex, whom I split with when I was pregnant. So single mum since the start.
He was very against the pregnancy, really wanted me not to continue with it.
Although he has always been in regular contact, this has never really resulted in him being particularly proactive in parenting. In the grand scheme of things he actually does fuck all. He has her every other weekend from late Friday evening after she has had dinner until Monday morning before school. I work part time shift work so he sometimes has for the night during weekdays and drops her off at school but really all he has to do is put her to bed and then wake her up in the morning.
Anyway, I love my DD and can manage all this. However what I really struggle with is his arrogance and hostility towards me. He is very passive aggressive, rolling his eyes, making snidey comments. When he discusses something about our DD, he talks to me like an employee who he has to reprimand. He will for example sit on my kitchen counters while talking to me which I find extremely irritating and make comments about my home which he thinks needs improving (btw I am quite house proud so always have a nice tidy home, but he always manages to find something that needs 'amending'). He gives me 'advice' about what he thinks my DD needs whilst doing absolutely nothing about it. He has mentioned a few times that he would like DD to do some extracurricular activities, which I would like too, and he mentioned it again asking what I had done to look into it. Essentially in the end he wants me to research it, fund it (apparently I can take it out of the £180 he pays me a month in maintenance as surely I would have enough left over for at least half it to go on classes for something), work out how to get her there etc. Why the fuck can't he do it? Oh, that's right, he is too busy and he 'never wanted this in the first place, remember?' (a line he says quite a lot).
I find it frustrating and it angers me... If he chooses to only do what he is currently doing I could live with that but what I struggle with is his almost delusional belief that he actually does so much more than he does. He cannot possibly know what goes into raising a child because he has never done it - the endless rounds of chores, shopping, food preparations, school runs, studying (I'm doing quite a full on course at the mo), dealing with a 4 yo full of beans etc. He truly believes that he contributes the same if not more than me and that he knows best. I do believe sometimes he has delusions of grandeur, thinking himself above his station. He is very arrogant, talks himself up despite being 37, working in a shitty call centre as a claims handler who failed his uni degree.
Arguing with him, or raising to the bait just doesn't work so I just tend to ignore him, try to detach and just smile and nod when he speaks. But I still end up getting really annoyed with him. Sometimes it gets to me and we end up having an argument. I wish I knew how to shut him down or make him see how he treats me.
Why does he need to be in your house? Why do you need to listen to him talking? All he needs to do us pick up and drop off your dd, no need for him to come in. Or are you worried he won't see her anymore if you don't listen to him moaning?
He doesn't always come into my house but sometimes he does for whatever reason. But it would be the same even if it was on the doorstep or on the phone or even email.
From my point of view, I couldn't give a shit if he didn't see her anymore, in fact it would be great if he would just fuck off and leave us alone but he sees her because fundamentally I think it is best for my DD to have a relationship with her father.
Well you can get his entitled superior arse off your counters for a start. Don't let him in the house. If he lectures you on the doorstep say you're busy and tell him to stick it in an email. Ignore the email. Twat
Exactly what tall has said.
You're facilitating his relationship with his dd and there's no need for you to have anything other than the most cursory dealings with him.
If he wants dd to take up extracurricular activities tell him to research, organise, and pay for them as you haven't got the time or the money to do so.
Do handover at the doorstep. Keep conversation as minimal as possible. Literally, hi, anything you need to tell me. Say gooodbye to Daddy, DD. Shut the door.
ANything he 'suggests' just say "that would be great. Let me know what you arrange,"
I bet you don't even go to his place, let alone sit on the countertops (which he's doing to effectively mark his territory and make you smaller than him) and tell him how to run his life.
Obviously I don't know him but I do wonder whether it is really better for a child to have a relationship with a parent who's abusive to the other parent and generally a bit of a nasty controlling twat?
If it was me is be tempted to stop facilitating their relationship. He's and adult and he should be facilitating his own relationship with his own child. I really wouldn't go out of my way if I was you. I don't mean be obstructive, but he should be able to organise seeing her without you holding his hand.
I agree with other posters about not letting him into your home.
In terms of the treating you like an employee, dh does this to me sometimes (he's lovely in all other ways which is why I haven't killed him yet) and I just blandly giving the same stock reply 'yeah if you want to do that/fix that/arrange that, feel free'
I never wanted this, remember? - you shouldn't have had sex with me then. End of. Repeat.
And DO NOT let him into your house. It's your sanctuary, and you shouldn't have anyone in it who is not on your side.
As long as your home is habitable for DD, anything else to do with it is none of his damned business. What he thinks is not your problem. If he goes around looking down on other people to avoid having to notice he's no great shakes himself, that too is his problem, not yours.
Don't let him into your hous. Do handover at the doorstep. Take back control he doesn't need to come into your territory.
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