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Where can I get the strength to end it?

(191 Posts)
confusion77 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:45:19

I think my marriage is over. Realistically shouldn't have got married. Husband is like two different people. But the bad is getting worse. And the good rarely appears. We have a 7 Month Old baby. It breaks my heart.

The reason I am in this position is because I haven't found the strength or courage to finish it before. It should have happened after a couple of years yet here I am 14 years on.

How do I do it?

peggy29 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:53:42

I'm not going to be any help as I'm in the same boat after 20 years. But it's just to let you know you're not alone and I totally understand how difficult it is. I too need that switch to flick.

confusion77 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:58:32

Thank you Peggy. We don't make each other happy. We seem to be so at odds and things flare up so easily and quickly. He's quite controlling, people would class him as ea with his moods and behaviour. Not a good role model for a child to grow up with. I think it would be 'for the best' but my God it's hard. I feel sick.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel Mon 07-Mar-16 22:01:08

I wish I knew.

Been together since 2002, got married in 2004. Should have split a long long time ago. Its just been easier to carry on with it and just plod along. Before you know it, its been too long and much more complicated to leave or split. DC's, housing, financial things.

Not having the money for legal advice and stuff.

confusion77 Mon 07-Mar-16 22:08:49

Stupid thing is, we have been together 14years. But didn't properly commit (buy a house) til 6yes ago. Married 3. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It's a bloody awful cycle we get stuck in. I feel sure he has some Mh issues. If he hasn't then he's a total arse. But I honestly think he has. But I can't help him with it.

peggy29 Mon 07-Mar-16 22:34:06

confusion he sounds very like my H. Controlling, moody etc. We too married late into our relationship. God knows why. I think the controlling element does make it harder though. I would give anything to sit down and have a reasonable conversation but I know that will never happen.

amysmummy12345 Mon 07-Mar-16 22:39:14

Snap sad

confusion77 Tue 08-Mar-16 15:06:20

Yes Peggy this is the trouble. We can't talk. He does the 'oh yes I'm such an arsehole I don't know why you are with me blah blah blah' twists words and is generally horrid. He pushes me to say things in a way I would never normally (through anger and exasperation) and then takes offence.

He does have a good side. I don't know if it's our relationship that is making him so difficult. But I don't think so. I think he is deeply unhappy in himself. He's so negative and critical of everything, it's a drain.

peggy29 Tue 08-Mar-16 15:42:54

I think my H is that unhappy too. I don't understand why he wants to keep it this way either. I've read everything I can, I know life's to short but I still haven't found the courage to do it. The drain you describe him as is just awful. They suck all the life and joy out of you. It's an awful existence, because it certainly doesn't feel like a life.

Princessjonsie Tue 08-Mar-16 20:30:03

Same boat after 12. Wish we could build Abigail boat all get in and sail away into the sunset with a huge bottle of white wine . Here to you girls and your not alone

confusion77 Tue 08-Mar-16 21:49:18

What will you do Peggy? I feel like I have wasted my carefree young years.i was 24 when we got together. Not past it now by any means but older, a bit tubby and no confidence.

confusion77 Tue 08-Mar-16 21:51:44

Yes please to the wine princess!I used to drink lots of wine. Probably too much.pregnancy and breastfeeding put a stop to that. I could happily drink a bottle.

peggy29 Wed 09-Mar-16 18:53:53

+1 here for a wine and a cruise!
confusion I'm working in getting out. I have all the financial info etc. It's the conversation I need to have. I'm worried about the dc. They don't like him but he's still their dad and they are sensitive kids.

Pinkcadillac Thu 10-Mar-16 20:57:38

Hi all

I have been reading mnet for years and I have just joined to post in this thread. It all sounds so familiar and it's such a relief to see that I am not the only one trapped in a sad marriage

Can I please join your boat? I'll bring some wine

jellybean2000 Thu 10-Mar-16 21:01:55

I asked my Mum how I would know when it was time.
She said I'd just know.
Seven years on and indeed I did.
I don't regret those years, though that might be because I am bang in the middle of horrible divorce and haven't seen what it's like on the other side yet.
But I just know when it was 1) irretrievable and 2) that I had the courage and strength to do it ie my life is at a stage where I can cope (just) with it.

peggy29 Thu 10-Mar-16 21:24:03

pink I'm sorry you are in the same situation. You are absolutely not alone. You could start your own thread if you need to. What is your H like?

jellybean I feel like I know but I'm just scared to do it. I want to I really do. Did you have a defining moment?

Pinkcadillac Thu 10-Mar-16 21:40:14

Thanks Peggy. My H is a good person but very detached. He is happy living an isolated life as long as he has his iPad and his hobby (which he does at home). When I'm feeling lonely or sad he just ignores me. Often I'll go for a drive on my own at night just to escape from the tedium and he couldn't care less. Has never asked me why I do it or where I go to.

jellybean2000 Thu 10-Mar-16 21:43:58

peggy yes I did. It was actually him who came barging in to my home office yelling that it was over etc.

Of course he did nothing about it, but it spurred me on (albeit 2 months later) to bite the bullet, accept the situation (emotional abuse), and gain the courage to see a solicitor.

Over a year later we are still in the home together and it's dragging on and on (him delaying) but I know it was the right thing.

imisssleepandwine Thu 10-Mar-16 21:46:29

confusion77 - I could have written that post myself. We are together almost 9 years. I reached my tipping point a few weeks ago. I thought about leaving many times before but was always too scared to be on my own. I kept thinking of all the hard parts about a separation, money, 2 children, shame, my career etc. But DH is moving out at the end of the month. I'm still scared, I'm so sad and it's like grief but I know I'm doing the right thing and so does he.

I think if you know it's over, if you are both unhappy find a way to leave. In 5 years time I'll thank myself for finally taking the leap.

8FencingWire Thu 10-Mar-16 21:52:18

Well hello, may I join the boat party?

Dextyboo Thu 10-Mar-16 21:53:15

Wow. Scary reading this thread. Today is the first day i thought to myself that i really need to talk to someone irl about this sort of scenario however for me luckily it has only been 4 years albeit 4 years with lots of heartache.

I would be the first person to say if youre not happy leave life is too short you will meet someone who you can be happy with but it just doesnt seem that simple when you think of doing it yourself.

There, im kind of on the boat. God i feel awful i really love my dp more than i ever knew i could but i dont think its working.

8FencingWire Thu 10-Mar-16 22:03:39

Nah, I well and trully married the wrong person. But I am at that stage where I don't even want to think about a new relationship or stuff like that. I am a bit hell bent on getting out.

Dextyboo Thu 10-Mar-16 22:11:14

How longs it been 8, do you have any plans?

8FencingWire Thu 10-Mar-16 22:46:46

Together 19 years. Two years ago I checked out. Officially called it a day this Jan. The thing is: it took me THAT long!

confusion77 Fri 11-Mar-16 10:49:55

Gosh it's awful isn't it? My husband is also detached. I think we bring out the worst in each other. I know I have certainly changed my behaviour to try and prevent the moods/bad reactions. Looking at it, the things I have changed weren't even bad. Just normal things that normal people do. I also think I married the wrong person. He seems determined to be miserable, find fault, sulk, etc.

I was hospitalised briefly this week. He didn't even ask how I was.

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