Mother doesn't like me

[shinynewusername]

I'm finally going through some stuff inherited from my DF, who died several years ago. It includes family photos, all of which were taken by my DM. There are loads of my siblings, but almost none of me. At family times like Christmas, you wouldn't even know I was there from the photos - the cat features more prominently than me and my DM hated her!

In the year I turned 15, there is a single photo of me and she has written on the back 'Madam's birthday'. Of course, any 15 year old girl can be a little madam at times and I wouldn't have thought twice about it if my DF had written that - I would know that it had been meant affectionately. But it doesn't read as affectionate at all - more as an expression of how she really felt. I might think I was reading too much into it, if it wasn't for the lack of pictures as well: there must be at least 10 of each of my siblings for every 1 of me and there are loads of photos of my siblings together without me in. She must have preferred to take group shots when I wasn't around (I wasn't at boarding school or unavailable for any reason).

I have always known that I am her least favourite, but this has really brought it home. I know it is daft to be upset so many years later and I also know that many many people have far worse childhoods than a mother who is a bit distant and sarcastic. But I can't help feeling and - even though I know this is completely irrational - blaming myself.

Not sure why I'm posting really, except to hear if anyone else has had a similar experience?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

My mum and (half) brother had a joint 'big' birthday party a few years back, which I organised. Last thing to do, after getting a 6am flight and running about all flipping day, was to bring down two huge sheets of card to the venue, where they'd glued loads and loads of photos taken through the years. There was only one of me in the whole lot of at least a hundred pictures, and actually I was halfway out of the frame. When I said 'oh that's a bit hurtful' my DM said 'don't blame me, you weren't in any of the photos, how typical of you'

because you were the one taking the photos mother...

So yes. Stuff like that hurts a lot. And most of the time it is minimised, but then something happens and it's a fresh pain every time.

But it's not your fault though.

[shinynewusername]

Thanks Lonny - at least she isn't blaming me for not being in the photos (though she probably would if I asked her about it)!

[MyMoneyIsAllSpent]

Oh bless you. I feel much the same :(

I spent my childhood from about the age of 5 treading on eggshells with my mother. I cannot ever remember her telling me she loved me, or remember being hugged :( Strangely I have fleeting memories of laughing and playing games prior to that. I guess something happened and I was the scapegoat!

I remember the disapproving silences, the huffs and the sniffs, and being afraid to ask what I had done wrong. My self esteem, after an entire lifetime is only just beginning to recover. And her complete and total disinterest and disapproval of my children. Dear God, why? It really fucks you up doesn't it?

[MyMoneyIsAllSpent]

Sorry, but your post is just bringing it all back. I tell my kids, they're adults now, that I love them, and I do, of course I do. How can it be so hard to tell your child you love them? Unless you don't?

I know I didn't deserve that. I'm not a bad person. God I am over 60 now, and it still hurts. :(

[shinynewusername]

Strangely I have fleeting memories of laughing and playing games prior to that. I guess something happened and I was the scapegoat

MyMoney. Sorry if I have triggered difficult memories for you.

Your comment about things being OK when you were very little struck a chord. There are baby photos of me and even some of my DM holding me and looking affectionate but that stops at about 18 months. I have clear memories from about the age of 4 but I have no recollection of her ever hugging or touching me, though she was physically affectionate to my siblings. So - like you - something must have happened to change her attitude.

When I was 5 or 6, I had a fixation that she was going to kill me by poisoning me like Snow White. She wasn't violent at all and she wasn't verbally abusive - just very cold - so this must have been my childish attempt to interpret the emotions that she was expressing.

[Vonnie2016]

Yes, same for me. No memories of affection just being made to feel I was a burden.
I once asked her if she felt I was a burden and she just stayed quiet. Erm, so yes then? Always preferred my brother still does today, so I make a massive effort in making my kids feel equally loved which they are.
I love them so yell them so, like PP have said of you love your kids you say so.