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he doesn't want our friends to know we are seeing each other

(27 Posts)
spoonbutdontknife Mon 07-Mar-16 20:59:22

he started out as a friend but turned into something more a few months ago. We're part of a small village community and we have lots of mutual friends.

We go to the pub and out in a group all the time and pretend nothings going on, at his request. Now we are seeing each other one-on-one in secret very frequently and I would say behind the scenes we have a full blown relationship and are sneaking round to each other's houses to stay the night.

I have told him that I want our mutual friends to know, that it'll be fine, but he says he's had bad experiences in the past with people getting involved and everybody thinking it's their business, so we don't have to make anything public.

I really like him and I am sure he likes me, but I am so confused. He is a very emotional and spiritual person who has been hurt in the past and says he just needs time to consider whether a full blown relationship is the right thing for him.

Do I just have to wait?

pocketsaviour Mon 07-Mar-16 21:02:28

I would be suspecting another relationship or something else that isn't kosher, sorry. "Keeping it a secret because I don't want people talking" is just childish really - and also a vital tip-off that he doesn't see any long-term relationship with you.

LuluJakey1 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:03:39

Nope. He is either proud of being with you and wants everyone to know or he can fuck off.

spoonbutdontknife Mon 07-Mar-16 21:07:07

we're a big group of friends, so I don't know all of them well, and he hangs out with one of the other women in the group quite a lot. I did ask him very early on when we started seeing each other, if he was seeing her too. He says they are more like "best friends."

I feel like I should tell our mutual friends we are together and see how he reacts. But I feel like he would end the relationship anyway if I did that because I broke his trust by telling people.

TurnipCake Mon 07-Mar-16 21:12:22

I smell bullshit, I'm afraid OP. You shouldn't be kept hidden away like some sordid little secret. Sounds like his 'best friend' may also be having these secret get togethers

DarrenHardysDrongo Mon 07-Mar-16 21:15:58

Oh dear.

Choceclair123 Mon 07-Mar-16 21:18:23

How many other ladies do you think are keeping the same secret?

JellyWellyKelly Mon 07-Mar-16 22:04:31

Nope that's BS... Probably something more going on 😬

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 07-Mar-16 22:09:38

Don't wait. Tell him you don't do secret relationships so if he wants to be with you then you start telling people. There are no good reasons for sneaking in and out of each others' houses. Either he is hiding something or he's controlling or he gets off on the thrill of a secret relationship - none of them are sustainable. Sorry.

willconcern Mon 07-Mar-16 22:19:00

Nope. You are either with him, openly, or not at all. Why be a dirty little secret?

Thisisnotausername Mon 07-Mar-16 22:21:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Mon 07-Mar-16 22:27:12

No you don't. You say, "I am not a dirty secret and I'll be fucked if I'm going to stick around to be treated as one Sort yourself out or fuck off." or words to that effect.

Resilience16 Tue 08-Mar-16 15:25:32

Hi Spoon, think you know there is something dodgy afoot here. He is manipulating you in a way you obviously don't feel comfortable with, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.
I'd try talking to him about it again,but if he still refuses to acknowledge your relationship in public I would see that a a huge red flag and walk away.
Good luck x

wannaBe Tue 08-Mar-16 15:38:36

He's in multiple "secret" relationships.

How often do you see each other? How contactable is he when you don't?

OhShutUpThomas Tue 08-Mar-16 15:41:24

He's either doing this with to more than one women, or he's not sure about you and is trying you out until he is.

Either way, he needs to shape up or fuck off.

DrMorbius Tue 08-Mar-16 15:44:27

he just needs time to consider whether a full blown relationship is the right thing for him.

So while he decides if he wants a full blown relationship with you, he gets to have a behind the scenes, full blown relationship Aka a shag I will not do the obvious reference to being blown.

Sounds like a switched on guy to me, why wouldn't you just wait

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate Tue 08-Mar-16 16:05:21

He wants to keep your relationship a secret. The big question is WHY?

I think he's shagging his "best friend"

His reason about people talking is bullshit. Nobody will give a crap. He sounds very narcissistic.

Sorry. Tell him to Fuck off. You're not fecking 15 years old.

BolshierAryaStark Tue 08-Mar-16 16:35:43

You tell him it's a relationship or he can fuck off. There's a reason he wants to keep it a secret, what a fuckwit.

AnyFucker Tue 08-Mar-16 16:42:58

don't be a mug, love

missybct Tue 08-Mar-16 16:44:24

You can still be "trying out" a relationship and introducing friends into the mix. I've never understood the logic in that - surely for the first couple of months, unless you've known each other for a while, any relationship is "trying each other out" for size. Adding friends isn't introducing a child, or even a parent - it's a friend, it's no big deal.

In fact, introducing friends into the mix is usually a really good step in figuring out whether this person works for you - seeing how they are outside of a relationship context, i.e; how they interact with people they've known and how they treat that person back is a good indicator of how the person conducts themselves outside of the romantic, early heady days of a relationship.

The sneaking around aspect of it all, and the requests to not be overt with your relationship suggests he's either trying to hide YOU, or your relationship. Could be because he's involved with someone else, could be because he doesn't want to offend an ex. Neither of those things are good and strongly indicate he is, in at least one way, unavailable - emotionally, physically, etc.

I've never subscribed to the overly obvious "this is my new girlfriend" introductions (like FB, or in groups of friends) but if someone was deliberately stalling on introducing me as a girlfriend or "date", red flags would be screaming at me.

Jan45 Tue 08-Mar-16 16:44:39

FGS, wise up, he wants you hidden - are you happy to be unknown, no, didn't think so, he's playing around and using you.

IrianofWay Tue 08-Mar-16 16:48:52

Tell him you don't like secrets and don't want any in your new relationship.

BuggersMuddle Wed 09-Mar-16 20:43:25

This is a huge red flag for me. Yes, there's always a risk when friends get involved - particularly if you're both part of the same social group - but IMO that happened when you started dating. They don't need to get involved in your relationship and shouldn't as long as neither of you are massive drama-llamas.

Corygal1 Wed 09-Mar-16 20:47:58

Even if he was a particularly special snowflake and what he says is true, he's had long enough to decide. Some time ago.

Something is afoot, and it's probably not good for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 09-Mar-16 20:50:10

If it wasn't obvious enough that you're not his only special friend, he's let you know that you're not even his favourite special friend by saying he isn't sure. Dick. Kick him to the kerb. Publicly, so all the other women that he's hiding this from get an idea of what he's doing, too.

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